I'm on a whisky diet. Last week I lost three days. Tommy Cooper
I'm on a whisky diet. Last week I lost three days. Tommy Cooper
She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say 'when'. P. G. Wodehouse
Rudyard Kipling
The silliest woman can manage a clever man; but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
It seems that when you have cancer you are a brave battler against the disease, but when you have Alzheimer's you are an old fart. That's how people see you. It makes you feel quite alone.
Late great Terry Pratchett my late partner's favourite
Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think.
Jalal al Udin Rumi, aka Maulana
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Orson Welles from the Third Man
Harry Lime on Wiener Prater ferris wheel says to Holly Martins
In Italy, for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, they had 500 years of democracy and peace - and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock
Sadly missed.
“The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money.
Take boots, for example. He earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles.
But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that'd still be keeping his feet dry in ten years' time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.
This was the Captain Samuel Vimes 'Boots' theory of socioeconomic unfairness.”
‘It is the responsibility of every man to be the great person that his dog thinks he is’.
Paolo Coelho Brazilian author of the Alchemist
You're always learning. The problem is, sometimes you stop and think you understand the world. This is not correct. The world is always moving. You never reach the point you can stop making an effort.
Great George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea.
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”
"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect,"
Ferenc Puskas: The greatest player in history was Di Stefano. I refuse to classify Pelé as a player. He was above that.
Erotica is using a feather; pornography is using the whole chicken.
- Isabel Allende
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- George Burns
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
- Woody Allen
My wife likes to talk to me during sex. In fact, the other day she called
me from a motel.
- Scotty Record
I asked my wife, “On a scale from one to ten, how do you rate me as a lover?”
She said, “You know I’m no good at fractions.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
Laurence of Alabia,
Impotence is nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings...”
It's not the men in my life that counts, it's the life in my men.
- Mae West
Get in good physical condition before submitting to bondage. You should be fit to be tied.
- Robert Byrne
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
- Joan Rivers
I once made love for an hour and five minutes. It was on the day they push the clock ahead.
- Garry Shandling
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.- Woody Allen
I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me.- Monica Lewinsky (on CNN discussing her weight-loss)
A transvestite is a guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.- Anonymous
I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
Mark Twain once told his parents he was a piano player in a brothel, because he was ashamed to admit that he was really a journalist.
The first hundred years are rough , after that you get used to it.
-My Mom
If you play grab ass, don't come crying to me when someone grabs your ass.
-My Dad
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. Fields
Militant feminists. I take my hat off to them. They don't like that.
Milton Jones
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