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  1. #26
    Thailand Expat tomcat's Avatar
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    ...a trained sphincter can modulate the bottom trumpet so it's less Hallelujah Chorus and more Four Seasons (Spring)...start clenching...

  2. #27
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    Watch and learn;


  3. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hugh Cow View Post
    Charcoal tablets?
    Which will leave black cement-like evidence that will make the other seat-warmers wonder if that's blood gone bad which, being evidence of cancer perhaps, will wind them up even further.
    Bring it on.

  4. #29
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    @topper - eat more local fruits & veggies. They're cheap & they're good for you. If you have some type of fruit/ veg with lunch & dinner, you're guranteed to have good bowel movement before you leave for the office.

    Bring your own toilet paper / baby wipes. PI restrooms usually don't provide them. You work in a mall, right? If you need to do #2, then malls have several loos. Go to the one which is far from your ofc. As the others have said, use your phone to mask undesirable sounds when on the throne. Good luck!

  5. #30
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    deleted

  6. #31
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    I'm speechless on this one....
    I'm sure they are used to hearing poo poo sounds if the walls are paper thin. Just bring spray to make it smell nice afterwards. What a gross thread!

  7. #32
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    This is a bit technical, but please read on...

    A massive Bogon Tip #732

    First thing first. Get a toilet roll and tear off about 40cm and overlap it 2 or 3 times so you have a padded piece of paper around 10-14cm long. place this padded paper lengthways at the back of the toilet so it is near to touching the water below. You have now created a soundproof barrier and guard against shit stains. A 2-in-1 failsafe if you will.

    Next up is to make sure you know exactly where the flush is. Trousers down, get in pooing position and find the flush, but DO NOT ACTIVATE, just keep your finger on it.

    This is where it all comes together. Once the first wave of poo comes. Let it out and press the flush at exactly the same time as the arse trumpets start. The flush will mask the sound (with the help of the padding) and continue to do so as the toilet basin fills itself up with water, getting itself ready for the next flush. This acton also takes some of the smell with it and the padding we discussed earlier eliminates the shit stain.

    The first wave is over but you still might have a little extra in your belly. Wait until the second flush is ready and let go of the second wave, hoping that the flush noise is enough to mask the arse trumpets on its own.

    You are on your own if you have a third wave.

    Hope this helps?
    Black diamonds? I shit 'em.

  8. #33
    Thailand Expat TheRealKW's Avatar
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    I prefer Katie's idea of using a toilet far away.... trumpet away!

  9. #34
    Hangin' Around cyrille's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bogon View Post
    The first wave is over but you still might have a little extra in your belly
    You need to see a gastroenterologist.

  10. #35
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    ^ Never been into stars and the universe TBH.

  11. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bogon View Post
    This is a bit technical, but please read on...

    A massive Bogon Tip #732

    First thing first. Get a toilet roll and tear off about 40cm and overlap it 2 or 3 times so you have a padded piece of paper around 10-14cm long. place this padded paper lengthways at the back of the toilet so it is near to touching the water below. You have now created a soundproof barrier and guard against shit stains. A 2-in-1 failsafe if you will.

    Next up is to make sure you know exactly where the flush is. Trousers down, get in pooing position and find the flush, but DO NOT ACTIVATE, just keep your finger on it.

    This is where it all comes together. Once the first wave of poo comes. Let it out and press the flush at exactly the same time as the arse trumpets start. The flush will mask the sound (with the help of the padding) and continue to do so as the toilet basin fills itself up with water, getting itself ready for the next flush. This acton also takes some of the smell with it and the padding we discussed earlier eliminates the shit stain.

    The first wave is over but you still might have a little extra in your belly. Wait until the second flush is ready and let go of the second wave, hoping that the flush noise is enough to mask the arse trumpets on its own.

    You are on your own if you have a third wave.

    Hope this helps?
    lol.. you really must have practiced that one to get it perfect, I'd imagine.
    TMI!

  12. #37
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Bogon has definitely been shitting in the womens toilets at work

    To be splattering the pan like Topper suggests is the sign of a poor diet.

    Just drink loads of coffee when you get up, works for me, regular as clockwork.. Mainly solid turds that just snap themselves off.

  13. #38
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tomcat View Post
    .a trained sphincter can modulate the bottom trumpet so it's less Hallelujah Chorus and more Four Seasons
    I'd have thought most of your turds would have had the taper smashed off them.

  14. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger View Post
    Bogon has definitely been shitting in the womens toilets at work

    To be splattering the pan like Topper suggests is the sign of a poor diet.

    Just drink loads of coffee when you get up, works for me, regular as clockwork.. Mainly solid turds that just snap themselves off.
    Half dozen big leo's the night before has it dribbling out like A1 sauce.

  15. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger View Post
    I'd have thought most of your turds would have had the taper smashed off them.
    hehehehehe, I see what you did there.

  16. #41
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Makes you wonder why it's called a tom tit


    Quote Originally Posted by tomcat View Post
    so it's less Hallelujah Chorus and more Four Seasons (Spring)
    I'd imagine it would be more...



    90 minutes of it

  17. #42
    Thailand Expat VocalNeal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Topper View Post
    but after today's colon trumpetting
    Learn to relax. You are not giving birth, no one is telling you to push!

    If they still sell matches in Phil. buy some and leave in the toilet.

  18. #43
    Thailand Expat tomcat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MarilynMonroe View Post
    Just bring spray to make it smell nice afterwards.
    ...a little behind the ears and a spritz on the wrist should do it...

  19. #44
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    Topper, I must say,I've seen some threads asking for Bizarre advice, but asking how to have a shit,certainly tops the ridiculous

  20. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger View Post
    Bogon has definitely been shitting in the womens toilets at work
    Wrong again Dilly.

    I go in the next cubicle to hear the ladies have a dump whilst I have an angry wank.

    The girls have sussed me out now and are now using the technique I provided earlier.

    I confirmed this by using the peephole I drilled last February.

  21. #46
    In Uranus
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    What did I just walk into?

    It should be no surprise that Topper takes massive earth-shattering dumps after the hamburger lunch he has every day.

  22. #47
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    That video was a cracker,Crackerjack.

  23. #48
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    ^ thanks for understanding, Snubby. I'll take some pictures of the room arrangement here so everyone can understand my horrible issue with the office acoustics.

  24. #49
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Worst dump I had was at a motorway McDonalds somewhere in Rajasthan, on a 10-day tour from Delhi, got the rumbles as the big tits approached, yelled at driver to stop, dashed into the gents, no bog roll and whoever was there before must have disintegrated, out and into the ladies, lady says this is lady's toilet, I said get out and slammed the cubicle door, she started protesting as I raised my kaftan and let loose a split second too early so there goes the kaftan and my lower legs, next I heard was her moan oh no and something in hindi like Shiva save me, bowl filled up fast as I bunged in wads of chechu to ease the sandblast effect, stench wasn't too bad, never is when it's yours, tried to empty it by flushing but looked down and under as the bowl filled with no sign of letting up so had to get out and fast, no time for decorum, grabbed what I could of my drenched kaftan waist high and raced the sewage to the door, I won, barged in next door to complete the deed but no escape as the sewage was creeping under and into my new cubicle, kaftan had no future, grass is greener, decided the gents bog must be better than this so let's pay my respects to the guy that died there, grabbed a couple of bog rolls wondering how unfair it is that they store them in the ladies, barged out the ladies and smack into another lady, no time for apologies and hope she's a forgiving soul, into the gents for the difficult bit, holding your breath against someone else's remains while your insides pour out, actually did cross my mind this is it and couldn't think of a more undignified way to go, blast-chechu-blast-chechu and on it went, heaved a final volley hoping to hold what's backed up for an hour or so to get clear of this place, didn't feel like throwing up but out it came with no notice, wedged what was left of my second bog roll into the crack, wasn't about to race another flush to the door, that was for the next poor sod, lost a slipper on the way out, waddled with cheeks clenched nonchalantly toward the exit, Thai gf and driver grazing, I mouthed leave it and get out as I passed, she looks up and goes pale, I probably looked a state, no more pretence at the exit, mad dash for the car, driver looking very worried, she thoughtfully grabbed I don't know what to throw over my side of the seat, aircon on full and three heads out the windows to some roadside gaff about 10 miles away where we stopped to unload the rest at a more leisurely pace and damage control.

    Won't be going back there, that's for sure!
    Last edited by jabir; 27-06-2020 at 05:37 PM.

  25. #50
    ความรู้ลึกลับ HuangLao's Avatar
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    Nothing like a good dump.

    It's what we're about.
    Eases our soul.
    Life cleansing.


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