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  1. #1
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    Wally Dorian Raffles's Avatar
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    True Love: Have you ever had it?

    I have.

    But through stupidity I let her go.

    Once you have it, nothing else can satisfy.

    I never got over her. I am quite sure I never will.

    It has been 20 years. I think of her just like it was yesterday. I constantly imagine what we would be doing if we were together.

    My blessing became my curse.

    I know it sounds pathetic. But I feel that if anybody out there has experienced true love they would understand.

    I have self abused for 20 years. I have moved from country to country, trying to fill the void, but have just left a trail of destruction wherever I went.

    I took heavy drugs for the first 3 years. Then I moved to Thailand for 4 years where I began my career as an alcoholic - smoking weed and taking benzos every night too. Since then, I have dissociated from reality and avoided facing things in all kinds of ways. I have kept myself insanely busy, never giving myself a minute to reflect, and have drank alcohol most nights for the past 17 years as I moved back and forth from Japan and Oz.

    I am sober and clean for the first time in 20 years. I cannot believe I let somebody go who I cared about so much. We were about to marry. I got mixed up with the wrong people. I broke it off with her when I was high on drugs. I didn't mean to do it. I was just high. An alledged friend had a strange fixation with my former fiance'. He hounded me for weeks leading up to my wedding date. Pleading with me not to marry her - saying I was making a big mistake. He brought all kinds of drugs to my home. Yes - I was weak. I was stupid. I was also unwell with extreme anxiety due to childhood trauma that I was yet to identify. The poison he put in my head mixed with the drugs led me to breaking up with her.

    I took drugs. I was confused. I pushed her away. I ended up getting high for 3 years. When I finally cleaned myself up, it was too late. She still loved me but she had given up on me, fallen pregnant to a work colleague, and being a traditional Japanese girl, the parents got together and organized a wedding.

    I flipped out - that was when I threw away my life and business in Japan and moved to Thailand where I did my best impression of Nicholas Cage in the movie Leaving Las Vegas.

    20 years later, I just cannot believe what I did. She was the only girl I have ever felt comfortable with -- I did not realise it then, but the childhood trauma linked to being kidnapped by a pedophile when I was 10 years old made it really hard for me to be close to anyone. I think I must be the only single white guy to ever live in BKK for 4 years and never wake up next to a Thai girl next to me. The women available in LOS to a guy like me frightened the shit out of me, to be honest. I have only just understood that in recent years.

    I just turned 53. I have spent 20 years in oblivion.

    Have no fucking idea what I will do with the rest of my life.

    FUCK.

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat TheRealKW's Avatar
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    Jeesus Kerist.

    Sorry, Wally, but stop wallowing in pity and sort yourself out.

    Forget about a girl of 20 years ago and look forward. You are dreaming about something that is not. there is no such thing as true love, just proper love which is making it work with a similarly minded person.

  3. #3
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    Wally Dorian Raffles's Avatar
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    ^ yeah, I am a sad case. I know. You have not experienced it I must conclude though KW. Not one argument in 6 years together. Telling each other we love each other 10 times a day - more. We were true soulmates.

  4. #4
    Thailand Expat TheRealKW's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wally Dorian Raffles View Post
    ^ yeah, I am a sad case.
    It's not about being sad or not sad.

    Just focus on moving passed it.

  5. #5
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    Wally
    I have experienced it, true love that is, anyway how do I know? Well I know becasue whenever we had to be separate I actually got sick and couldn't eat or sleep.
    I gave up 2 jobs (only lasted 1 day at each) to return to be with her.
    We got married after 18 months and had a daughter 2years after we married and then 2 years later (she was pregnant again) she got sick and died.
    So here I was with a 2 year daughter and totally devastated so I turned to drinking heavily (not that I didn't before but more so) and in the end it was give up my daughter and top myself of give up the drinking. The drinking stopped and I haven't drank since.

    That was 37 years ago and while it was almost impossible I carried on and some might say prospered but that would only be the external view as internally I still think about her.
    My daughter is now 40 with 2 beautiful kids of her own that unfortunately with me living in Thailand I don't get to see all that often.
    I eventually went back to high school and then University and graduated as an Engineer at 43 years old. I was able to do this because of the Australian Government providing me with a sole parent pension.

    I have now been with my Thai wife for almost 20 years and have what I consider to be a reasonably good life but I can't help but wonder (often) what might have been.

    All I can say, as you are probably aware, you never forget but it does get easier to remember.

    Stay safe, stay sober, stay clean and focus on the positives and you will come out the other side eventually.

  6. #6
    Thailand Expat tomcat's Avatar
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    ...Mods! Not the usual flippant nonsense on this thread...doghouse?...

  7. #7
    Hangin' Around cyrille's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tomcat View Post
    Not the usual flippant nonsense...
    ...he posted, hypocritically introducing some.

  8. #8
    Philippine Expat Davis Knowlton's Avatar
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    Once..many years ago. I thought it would last forever....but antibiotics finally cured it.

  9. #9
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    Wally Dorian Raffles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ootai View Post
    Wally
    I have experienced it, true love that is, anyway how do I know? Well I know becasue whenever we had to be separate I actually got sick and couldn't eat or sleep.
    I gave up 2 jobs (only lasted 1 day at each) to return to be with her.
    .
    Yep. You know what I am talking about. I became sick too - but I used a lot of drugs instead of getting her back. The cnut who hounded me day and night to break up with her brought 1000s of xanax and valium to my home - with a lot of heavy shit too. I took drugs and imagined being with her - thinking I would get her back when I cleaned myself up. I never did - I just went further into oblivion.
    Once I finally lost her for good I never stopped imagining being with her. I got drunk and took pills every night and imagined being with her. 20 years later those mental habits are hard to break. Everything I look at reminds me of her - and then I drift off and before I know it I am deep in thought about a scenario with her that exists purely in my mind.

    It made me sick alright. Sick in the head. Unable to stop obsessive thoughts. Only now that I am sober and clean and have clarity can I see how unwell it made me.

  10. #10
    Hangin' Around cyrille's Avatar
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    Both of these situations seem more like infatuation than love to me, and perhaps your partners of the time felt so too.

    Chances are you are both better off now than you would have been in these relationships.

    Of course I realise that could be way off.

    Just my tuppence ha'penny worth.

    All the best to both of you with your battles - I don't agree with KW that you are 'wallowing'.

  11. #11
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Jeez. You sound like Headhunter and his old dog.

    Move on and find a new bitch like he did

  12. #12
    Thailand Expat VocalNeal's Avatar
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    In any relationship there is one that loves the other more. Please Lord don't let it be me.

    I've had a couple of bouts of infatuation but not sure if it was ever true love.

    Love is a very selfish emotion. We believe it is about another but really it is feeling better/happier etc. when the other is around. Must be hormonal. If/when the other leaves we believe we cannot feel that good again so along come the chemical substitutes.
    Better to think inside the pub, than outside the box?
    I apologize if any offence was caused. unless it was intended.
    You people, you think I know feck nothing; I tell you: I know feck all
    Those who cannot change their mind, cannot change anything.

  13. #13
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    Edmond's Avatar
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    Stay clean, sober and healthy. Get up early and exercise outdoors. Some therapy would probably help with letting go of the past and enjoying the present and future.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Edmond View Post
    Stay clean, sober and healthy. Get up early and exercise outdoors. Some therapy would probably help with letting go of the past and enjoying the present and future.
    Except for the therapy this is exactly what I have done the last 2 years now. Each and every day. It has made a profound change in me. Always healthy both mentally and physically. Plus just looking on the good side of things always mate.

    Try to look at it like this simple saying, "Dont look back they might be gaining on you". Forward each day, a little more each day.

    Best of luck getting through this mate.

  15. #15
    Hangin' Around cyrille's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by VocalNeal View Post
    In any relationship there is one that loves the other more.
    I don't think that's true, but such an imbalance of need can frequently lead to beak ups.

    It's often possible, in my experience, to look at couples, decide which is the more attractive and yup...the other one's in for a difficult time.

    We're frequently not as 'deep' as we like to believe.

    Not that I'm suggesting wally and oothai have faces only their mothers could love, of course.

  16. #16
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    I agree with Edmond.

    Get yourself a bicycle, dude. It's great exercise and doesn't stuff up your joints like running does. My whole BEING has picked up since I took it up again about 10 weeks ago. I had given it up for 5 years...just got out of the habit.

  17. #17
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    YourDaddy's Avatar
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    The only person qualified to post on this thread is Luigi

  18. #18
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by YourDaddy View Post
    The only person qualified to post on this thread is Luigi
    See here is your problem. Luigi is not a person he is a persona. Once you figure that out your life too might get into a higher gear.

    RIP lu.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by aging one View Post
    Plus just looking on the good side of things always mate.
    Plus giving your detractors red repo. Nothing like a bit of self-righteous hate, eh ?



    Send AO a red, Wally ! You'll like it !

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Latindancer View Post
    I agree with Edmond.

    Get yourself a bicycle, dude. It's great exercise and doesn't stuff up your joints like running does. My whole BEING has picked up since I took it up again about 10 weeks ago. I had given it up for 5 years...just got out of the habit.
    You’re right. With your short attention span and lack of emotional depth, a bicycle is the perfect partner for you.

  21. #21
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    Whoa ! Bitch is waxing lyrical today ! That's almost funny....

  22. #22
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    Wally Dorian Raffles's Avatar
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    Thanks for the advice.

    I ride my bicycle to work and back. It's getting hot here now, so plenty of "sweating it out".

    I have tried all kinds of things over the years. Stopped drinking several times, etc. But this is the first time l have been clean of meds, booze and weed = everything .

    Along with the clarity, I have remembered things that I had for the most part forgotten about for a very long time. I stay awake for 2 or 3 days at a time and then finally crash - sometimes just for a few hours. I have only been eating one meal a day for the past few months. I have lost about 15 kilos. Needless to say l don't have much energy or motivation to exercise as much as l should.

    I actually met her about 2 weeks ago for the first time in about 10 years. Last time l met her l was still messed up on booze and pills. This time I had the clarity to finally tell her what happened all of those years ago. We sat in the park and talked for 8 hours. It was like we had never been apart. Conversation flowed with us like with nobody else. We agreed we are soulmates. She told me she still loves me. But she has 3 kids and a life with her family that she is content with. She says she did not love her husband when they married but she has grown to love him after 17 years of life experiences together. She wants to be "best friends". I am not sure if l can meet her just periodically - as at the end of the day when it is time to say goodbye l just can't bear it. I am not interested in anybody else. Nobody will ever come close. I really have no idea what to do with the rest of my life ......
    Last edited by Wally Dorian Raffles; 15-06-2020 at 10:26 AM.

  23. #23
    Hangin' Around cyrille's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wally Dorian Raffles View Post
    l just can't bare it.
    Well no, public parks have their rules and regulations.

    Perhaps a more intimate setting is needed?

    Quote Originally Posted by Switch View Post
    With your short attention span and lack of emotional depth, a bicycle is the perfect partner for you.
    Didn't your avatar used to be you on a bike ride?

  24. #24
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    Wally Dorian Raffles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by VocalNeal View Post
    In any relationship there is one that loves the other more. Please Lord don't let it be me.
    I broke her heart. She went on antidepressants, albeit for a short time. She named her son the name that l picked for our own son (that never was). She went to the destination with her husband that l chose for our own honeymoon. She waited for 3 years. Being a very composed and elegant traditional Japanese girl she did not chase back after me anywhere near as much as she said she felt like. She says "good" Japanese girls don't do the chasing when they have been dumped. She always believed l would come back to her. And here am I, getting high and drunk everyday, waiting for her to come back to me .... l was a drug fucked dickhead ...

  25. #25
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    Wally Dorian Raffles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyrille View Post
    Well no, public parks have their rules and regulations.

    Perhaps a more intimate setting is needed?
    Noted. Edited. ... L

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