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  1. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wally Dorian Raffles View Post
    I actually met her about 2 weeks ago for the first time in about 10 years. Last time l met her l was still messed up on booze and pills. This time I had the clarity to finally tell her what happened all of those years ago. We sat in the park and talked for 8 hours. It was like we had never been apart. Conversation flowed with us like with nobody else. We agreed we are soulmates. She told me she still loves me. But she has 3 kids and a life with her family that she is content with. She says she did not love her husband when they married but she has grown to love him after 17 years of life experiences together. She wants to be "best friends". I am not sure if l can meet her just periodically - as at the end of the day when it is time to say goodbye l just can't bear it. I am not interested in anybody else. Nobody will ever come close. I really have no idea what to do with the rest of my life .
    This was no chance meeting. She agreed to meet you after you got in touch. It was orchestrated by you and she agreed to meet you in a safe place. Your wallowing, apologizing and looking for self pity were never going to have an influence on her.
    she is obviously a good person because she listened.

    She did not want to burst your bubble and tell you outright that she had made a great decision getting shot of you. She tried to be as diplomatic as possible, telling you she loves her husband and kids you two could remain friends.

    The only part of this “dear John” meeting that you did not get from her was “stay away from me and fuck off out of my life”

    it wasn’t your “mates” fault you lost her - you took the drugs, your decision. Take responsibility.

    Be a man take it on the chin, most people have loved and lost at sometime, the ground was made hard so you could push yourself back up and dust yourself down and get on with life.

    Moving forward, get out on the town, meet the opposite sex, Tinder etc, pay for it if you have to. Nothing will change until you change.

    Finally, leave her the fuck alone and good luck!

  2. #52
    Hangin' Around cyrille's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neverna View Post
    Perhaps nobody ever told him that before. Duh.
    Oh, I don't doubt many have.

    Because it's so much more sensible than 'Just wait another 20 years...her husband will die eventually'.

    [puerileteenager]DOUBLE DUH![/puerileteenager]

  3. #53
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    It's just your natural tendency to depression, made worse by drug-taking, Wally....it is also making you a tad obsessed with the past.

    Some short-term advice : do some exercise and then put on some of your favourite music.

  4. #54
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by raycarey View Post
    this forum took a decidedly gay turn some time ago....i can only hope the OP is a trolling attempt.

    presumably heterosexual, adult men posting daily photos of what they eat....and others commenting on how they would prepare it differently....and now a lonely hearts thread.

    but what's most pathetic about this thread are the posters with a trail of failed marriages and families in their wake are giving relationship advice.

    couldn't make it up.
    Good old Reachy, contributing nuffin again



  5. #55
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neverna View Post
    Wally, it was great that you met your true love again a couple of weeks ago and that you are still soulmates. With that in mind, I suggest you consider yourselves as being only temporarily apart. It is quite possible that one day in the future, your true love will be single again for some reason or other. Perhaps her husband will become ill and pass away or even die of old age, but however long that will be, you have all that time to prepare yourself for her arrival back ninto your life. Sort out your life the best you can so that when the time comes for you two to be reunited, you will be ready for her from day one. Think of the time between now and then as preparation time. In the meantime, you will be in a happier frame of mind knowing what your future holds and your mind will be full of positive things as you prepare for your future together. The only thing you will not know is the time frame for you to be together again but in that time, you can dream and imagine your future together with your love as you prepare for that happy day.
    FFS Nev, paaalease say that was a wind up.

    If not, you have became the “Dear Deirdre” of the forum.

  6. #56
    Thailand Expat raycarey's Avatar
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    c'mon..."family man".....how about some more relationship advice?

    Last edited by raycarey; 15-06-2020 at 03:40 PM.

  7. #57
    Custom user Neverna's Avatar
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    It's telling that because cyrille thought my post was crap, it must have been written by a woman. What a misogynist.

  8. #58
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    [QUOTE=Wally Dorian Raffles;4119450]
    Quote Originally Posted by raycarey View Post
    ....i can only hope the OP is a trolling attempt.

    You should know me better than that RC.
    Screechy is a bit upset at the moment, he's not getting enough black love..i think he doth protest too much on the gay issue.

  9. #59
    Hangin' Around cyrille's Avatar
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    ^^Miaoww!

    Quote Originally Posted by cyrille View Post
    There is just no way a man could have typed this.

    Or a sensible woman, come to that.

  10. #60
    Thailand Expat tomcat's Avatar
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    ...curious as to why you started a thread like this, Wally...

  11. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by bowie View Post
    If you don't like your life - change it. Simple as that.

    It is up to you, this problem of yours, is yours only, and only you can fix it, and the sooner you fix it, the better off you will be. God speed.
    year 2003 i found out she was pregnant and gone forever. i had a silver jewelry store in tokyo and taught in high schools. i packed up my things and went back to Oz to live for first time in almost 10 years. I tried to lop myself twice. I realized that my abusive family was the reason l left in the first place and moved to thailand. stayed there 4 years. worked as a private tutor for japanese expats - on the surface i was happy - but i was pretty messed up and drank myself stupid every night .

    2008 - 2011 i was in Oz. Worked in Japanese tourism on the great barrier reef. i really tried to get over her.

    2011 - 2016 i came back to japan. i operated 7 airbnb apartments and taught high school. i was getting help from a spiritual healer. tried all kind of ways to stop obsessive thoughts of her. ended up on loads of meds.

    2016 - 2019 back in australia. i opened a record shop in surfers paradise. memories of being kidnapped by a pedophile when i was 10 returned as it was the first time i had lived there in 25 years which triggered the suppressed memories. i spent 3 years getting therapy for that. i could then join the dots as to why i broke it off with her ---- self abuse. i harmed myself by breaking up with her. very common for people with such childhood trauma. Got myself very physically fit. weaned myself off the meds. stopped drinking for the most part. i was feeling okay.

    2019 - 2020. back in japan - was in the countryside at first - was pretty depressed as i was very lonely. 6 months there and i did not meet another foreigner. came back to my old neighborhood in tokyo. all of the people i knew are gone. corona hit - i stayed at home for a couple of months - started drinking a lot. i have read articles about a trend around the world during corona. people who are locked in their homes have no new memories to process - so the brain begins to process old memories ... that is what happened to me. since i left here 17 years ago when i found out she was pregnant i had been distracting myself by moving from place to place, setting up different businesses and keeping insanely busy. only now i am i finally processing those memories as every time i went somewhere different and tried something different i was just dissociating from reality. just like i was with the 3 years taking heavy drugs. just like i did as a kid by drawing pictures to keep my mind off things. i have not faced things until now.

    but now that i am facing things i have a 20 year gap in my life. 20 years of running and hiding and pushing away all of the people i have been close to - so they would not see how fucked up i am. everything i worked for and built up i threw away and went to start somewhere else. setting up a new business is always the hardest part - but each time i managed to do that, i would get really bad anxiety (caused by so much trauma that i had no idea about) and throw it all away, to go somewhere thousands of miles away and start again.

    so now i understand what i have done for the past 20 years. i have been totally dissociated as life passed me by.

    but it has all come back to the girl who i loved so deeply. the childhood stuff would have just been a ripple if i had followed my destiny and was by her side. i was strong and confident when i was with her. she made me want to be a good person and i lived a really healthy lifestyle. i smoked weed in the evenings but she was cool with that and it was my only vice.

    it was the only time in my life i have been truly happy. we had everything planned for a life together. it was all sorted. but i began to get anxiety when the wedding approached. my alleged best friend who had a weird crush on my fiance' spent weeks trying to talk me out of it. he brought all kinds of drugs to my home - and i took them. he said it was best to break it off for a couple of weeks. the night she was coming over he made sure i was REALLY HIGH. i knew he was manipulating me - i wanted to marry her - but when i was high the wrong words came out. the next day the same guy gave me enough drugs to last me 6 months. i planned to get her back --- but i went into a haze which lasted 3 years. i knew i was fucked up. i kept thinking i would get clean then get her back. i did not get clean for 3 years - and then it was too late.

    so 2 months ago, the memories of my drug use at the time returned. i had somehow suppressed most of those memories too.

    i am now not only grieving her but all of the things that would have come if i married her. kids. buying property. stability. good health. everything.

    i missed the boat in life for everything just because i got really high and said words that i did not even mean. the day she was gone a huge wave of depression overcame me but i numbed it with drugs. i fucking hate myself for doing that. everything reminds me of her. i just feel like i have reached the end of the line.

    i stay up for days. i eat one meal a day. i smoke up to 3 packs of ciggies. i cannot smile. i am a fucking mess - in a state of shock. i have never felt so hopeless - and that is saying something after 20 dark years.

  12. #62
    Custom user Neverna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyrille View Post
    Until I read that I'd thought this 'Nev is female' stuff was nonsense.
    Quote Originally Posted by cyrille View Post
    There is just no way a man could have typed this.
    Woof. Misogynist.

  13. #63
    Custom user Neverna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wally Dorian Raffles View Post
    My shrink actually tells me the same thing.
    A trained professional psychiatrist suggests the same as me. That's nice to know. Will you follow that suggestion, Wally?

  14. #64
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    Wally why did you leave out the years you lived in Thailand? You had a really nice place and had carved out a niche teaching ex pat Japanese English right in your neighborhood.

  15. #65
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    Wally Dorian Raffles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tomcat View Post
    ...curious as to why you started a thread like this, Wally...
    i know it's fucking sad and l fully expected to get flamed. guess it is just a sign of how lonely and desperate i have become. i really dont think i will get through this one...

  16. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by aging one View Post
    Wally why did you leave out the years you lived in Thailand? You had a really nice place and had carved out a niche teaching ex pat Japanese English right in your neighborhood.
    it's in the first paragraph mate. yeah - i had a good life there on the surface ...

  17. #67
    Thailand Expat tomcat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wally Dorian Raffles View Post
    i know it's fucking sad and l fully expected to get flamed
    ...would you have been disappointed if you hadn't been flamed?...what kind of comments were you hoping for?...

  18. #68
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iceman123 View Post
    0

    This was no chance meeting. She agreed to meet you after you got in touch. It was orchestrated by you and she agreed to meet you in a safe place. Your wallowing, apologizing and looking for self pity were never going to have an influence on her.
    she is obviously a good person because she listened.

    She did not want to burst your bubble and tell you outright that she had made a great decision getting shot of you. She tried to be as diplomatic as possible, telling you she loves her husband and kids you two could remain friends.

    The only part of this “dear John” meeting that you did not get from her was “stay away from me and fuck off out of my life”

    it wasn’t your “mates” fault you lost her - you took the drugs, your decision. Take responsibility.

    Be a man take it on the chin, most people have loved and lost at sometime, the ground was made hard so you could push yourself back up and dust yourself down and get on with life.

    Moving forward, get out on the town, meet the opposite sex, Tinder etc, pay for it if you have to. Nothing will change until you change.

    Finally, leave her the fuck alone and good luck!
    Actually, she instigated the meeting. I called her and told her l still loved her and to say goodbye. i never expected to see her or call her again. i told her this, but she said that she wanted to be "best friends". i never expected her to want to meet me. she is exhausted from taking care of her family. i get the feeling she is not as happy as she tries to make out.

    The same "mate" was caught peeping through our window as we made love. not once - but many times - he apparently stood there for hours and masturbated. i found out this from my neighbor . he would go to my home when he knew i was at work and she was there alone waiting for me. he begged me for her number after we broke up. yes - i took the drugs - but i kept telling him to stop bringing them over. he was obsessed with her. he married a woman 10 years older "for her money and contacts". he was a fucking asshole. i actually knew him from australia - we were not close mates, but he was one of my only mates during those early years in tokyo. i never understood such horrible people existed. he purposely sabotaged my life because i had something better than he did. one evil mother fucker. btw, his father was murdered when he was a kid. A "mate" stabbed him to death in a pub in Oz. It was over a girl. A chip off the old block, it seems..

    you dont understand the connection with childhood trauma. i should have told him to fuck off out of my life but i did not due to a horrendous childhood that made me really afraid of confrontation. I used to get such bad anxiety i would feel like i would pass out.

    Not interested in tinder or hookers. again - related to trauma that was not recognised at the time. people are different. what works for you may not work for others. the title of the thread sums it up i feel. for me - for the person i am - she was perfect for me and i loved her very much. she loved me very much too. she told me she still does - which she would not say if she did not mean it - i know her. i have been a mess since the day i pushed her away. i broke her heart too.

    i am fucked with a capital FUCK.

  19. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by tomcat View Post
    ...would you have been disappointed if you hadn't been flamed?...what kind of comments were you hoping for?...
    TC - I used to be a very popular guy. lots of friends. but not anymore. i guess i came here because i used to have some friends here ... most are gone. i remember you as being one of the nice people on ajarn. we were not friends, but i liked you. i dont feel that you feel the same about me though ...

    i am reaching out for a bit of love i suppose... yeah. i know. how fucking sad, eh.

  20. #70
    Thailand Expat tomcat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wally Dorian Raffles View Post
    ...a) i remember you as being one of the nice people on ajarn. we were not friends, but i liked you. b) i dont feel that you feel the same about me though ...
    ...a) thank you; b) in truth, I was about one step above indifferent toward you until we shared our preferences for Jamaican music and certain collectibles...now that I know we have something in common, I'm a good two steps above indifferent...




    ...just kidding...I look forward to your every post...
    Majestically enthroned amid the vulgar herd

  21. #71
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    ^
    Wally, you’re starting to sound like a basket case, not to worry Moses started off as one as well

    You sound like a nice guy, but Jeez you have a helluva a blame list. (Family abuse, self harm,pedophile, drugs, mate, booze etc)
    Throw that list away - you don’t have to be your past.

    Never too late to start again, use the past as a teacher, not a stick to beat yourself over the head with.

    Forget all that spiritualist help, or nodding dog councilors, get back to what you were good at - business, you’ve gots lots of experience and obviously have an entrepreneurial spirit. Never too late to start again.

    Take care

  22. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wally Dorian Raffles View Post
    i missed the boat in life for everything just because i got really high and said words that i did not even mean. the day she was gone a huge wave of depression overcame me but i numbed it with drugs. i fucking hate myself for doing that. everything reminds me of her. i just feel like i have reached the end of the line.
    You are going to have to forgive yourself for this or you'll just keep beating yourself up and never move on. You don't really know if it would have worked out, its all supposition and reflection based upon a point in time which you no longer occupy.

    You need to find someone to share your life with, accept you come with baggage and be open with them about that. They too will come with baggage, its what we accrue as we go through life but with that comes experience and that can add another dimension to a relationship that wasn't present in our younger days.

    Just got to get yourself in the frame of mind that you want to be with someone and invest the same energy in that which you seem to in your business dealings.

    EDIT

    And if you find someone for gods sake don't keep comparing them to you know who.

  23. #73
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wally Dorian Raffles View Post
    The same "mate" was caught peeping through our window as we made love. not once - but many times - he apparently stood there for hours and masturbated

    That Mendip gets about

    How long were you at it?

    Quote Originally Posted by Wally Dorian Raffles View Post
    i am fucked with a capital FUCK.
    Could be worse, you could be not liked, like Ray, with a capital N

  24. #74
    Thailand Expat raycarey's Avatar
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    you never know how things would have worked out wally....

    you seem like a good guy, but you could have turned into a douchebag sex tourist who starts families, then callously abandons the children, and then moves on to start another family.

    so yeah, it could be worse.

  25. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wally Dorian Raffles View Post
    everything reminds me of her. i just feel like i have reached the end of the line.

    i stay up for days. i eat one meal a day. i smoke up to 3 packs of ciggies. i cannot smile. i am a fucking mess - in a state of shock. i have never felt so hopeless - and that is saying something after 20 dark years.
    It's saying you need to get a fucking grip. After 20 YEARS!!! everything reminds you of her?
    FFS.
    Maybe you should take nervs advice and just prepare for her return.
    Or GET A FUCKING BICYCLE!!!
    Oh, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
    Do some strenuous exercise then go volunteer at the salvos soup kitchen.
    Get over yourself.
    You're not fucked.
    Go back to OZ. Get on the dole or get a job, enroll in a tafe course, learn a new skill, start a new career.
    DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF.
    “If we stop testing right now we’d have very few cases, if any.” Donald J Trump.

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