Thread: Bangkok to Pattaya Taxi Ride

Up in the centre of Bangkok on Sunday and we grab a random taxi to take us back to Pattaya. The driver is obviously delighted because it’s a nice long fare. In the middle of the chaotic traffic he starts turning round and showing us videos of Bangkok on his phone. Evelyn, looking very uncomfortable, gestures to him to look at the road.
Next we’re skirting Bangkok, weaving erratically across 4 lanes of motorway at 140 km/h.
He unwisely decides this is an appropriate moment to Facetime his wife to introduce her to us and see what his family are having for Sunday dinner. On she comes and he holds the phone up so we can all wave to each other, then he scans all the dishes of food as they chat away. Evelyn waves again, pointedly saying “goodbye!” So he says goodbye to his wife. And Facetimes his mother. Then his brother. Then somebody else.
We realise he's hungry and missing his Sunday dinner, which may or may not account for the speed. Now he’s stuck in one lane, tailgating a pick-up truck at 140 km/hour. To distract myself from my terror I try counting the pimples on the pick-up driver's neck. We're that close. We start seeing blue flashes in the sky but we're driving along under an elevated motorway so the road is dry. Suddenly he announces "gasoline!", turns left and out into a torrential electrical storm. He chooses this moment to show us a photo on his phone of his taxi on the back of a breakdown truck and says something in broken English about wet roads and driving.
Then he rattles off in Thai into his phone, presses google translate and hands us the phone. The phone tells us "Wet road very slippery, no tyres any good, must drive safely. I know, I had accident". Evelyn's face turns white. He rattles off into his phone again. This time it says "I drive safely I not want to die". Then he's laughing and telling us another driving story but he sees we're not understanding him so he talks into the phone again. It says "I was driving a high vehicle but hit a tree and lost 2 storeys of the vehicle". Evelyn turns even whiter. At this point we have very little expectation of surviving all the way Pattaya.
He turns into a petrol station with a 7/11 store and disappears into the store while his taxi gets fuelled. He returns with 3 tuna sandwiches and hands us one each. We say "oh no we're not hungry" but he says "eat!". We eat. Actually the sandwiches are fine.
We're off again, the torrent suddenly comes back on, fiercer then ever. We can hardly see anything so he turns on his hazards and slows down to 100 km/hour. He Facetimes his wife again and waves his phone at the front window to show her the storm and then scans all the dishes of food again to see how dinner is progressing.
The rain eases but the road is still very wet. Nevertheless we're back up to 140 km/hour. Now he starts flicking through radio stations and eventually settles on some weird screechy music that actually sounds like a Thai version of Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport. Our nerves are shredded, but I think I'm becoming numb to the continuing terror.
Oh joy! I can see the lights of Pattaya on our right. However our driver has no idea where our hotel is, so wants me to direct him. No problem, I say. I explain there are 2 Mercure Hotels, we're going to the one on Second Road. However he quickly spots the first, and wrong, one. "Mercure! Mercure!" he shouts and points excitedly. "No no, keep going" I say and gesticulate straight onwards. But he's too excited and repeatedly wants to turn off. However I convince him to keep going straight on. Suddenly he's distracted by the sight of all the young Thai ladies hanging out on Beach Road. He winds his window down and shouts what sounds like "Happy Birthday!' to one of them. WTF? Then he gets his phone out again and starts taking photos of them all whilst make strange whooping noises. I might point out that the traffic on Beach Road is fairly chaotic, but at least he's going slower and following my orders now.
We get to our hotel! Evelyn pays him and gives him a generous tip, probably motivated by the pure relief and undiluted joy of our survival. Our driver seems quite overwhelmed and kisses our hands over and over again. He presses the back of my hand to his forehead and holds it there, head bowed. We finally break free and he heads off, waving happily to us until out of sight.
We head to the pub.
The End