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  1. #1
    Thailand Expat
    Latindancer's Avatar
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    Living O/S with a Thai wife.

    Thai women have an odd attitude to sharing expenses. My wife and I both work here in Oz, but it took a long time for me to wean her off being dependent on me financially. I supported her for the first 2 1/2 years while she went to college and then got work. I paid all bills and rent. Following that, I paid for her public transport card and mobile phone bills. They were not much but I felt "used", paying them after she got a job, so I asked that she pay with her own credit card. There was a bit of resistance but not too much. We go 50/50 on electricity.

    Then I broached the topic of rent. We were sharing it 60/40. But here there was massive resistance and she says that "the husband should support his wife". Well, we have no kids and don't plan on them, and I kinda understand her logic, but because I pay other expenses, such as all petrol and car expenses as well as being her chauffeur, she has managed to save more money than myself. Twice as much, in fact.

    Now I have lost my job.

    This irks me. It feels too much like that scenario ....which we all know so well.....in which finances are slowly re-distributed from the Western man to the Thai woman and/or her family (in this case she does send a small amount home, but not a real lot).

    I read a book many years ago entitled something like "Thai Culture And Behaviour Patterns" (or something very close to that), in which the author recommends that a Western person never allow a Thai person to be in control of the relationship....whatever kind of relationship it is.

    So maybe I should not push my luck too much ? Maybe if I pay more rent than her (despite not having a large income till I get another job), I am in the role of "patron", as seen in Thai culture, which is something she is comfortable with ?

    Any comments or suggestions, anyone ?

  2. #2
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    Sorry you lost your job. Maybe it's time for payback and she shoulders more of the financial burden?

    I pay all the bills, but I earn a whole lot more so why not? I do most of the cooking, but she works like a trooper doing everything else in the house. I don't think we consciously add up who contributes more. We each do what we can. I spend a whole lot more on myself anyway, what with ciggies and booze and "special" farang food. She buys almost all my clothes and never asks me for any spending money. Big ticket items are a mutual decision. The only bank account I have in Thailand is a joint account with her, she has two other accounts that are hers, and in NZ we have one joint account and I have a couple of others...it's all cool.
    When I had haemorrhagic fever last year, she did everything and paid for everything without a whimper of resentment.

    Everyone's relationship is different, just as are the people in them. Do what works for you, and what works for you both. You'll get opinions on here, but only you know what your head and heart tell you.

  3. #3
    Thailand Expat cyrille's Avatar
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    Avoid generalising about 20 million people+, based on your experience with one (see your first line.)

    Approach the whole thing as a purely personal matter between a couple, make your point, explain how and why it matters to you so much and then both of you make your choice.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maanaam View Post

    Everyone's relationship is different, just as are the people in them. Do what works for you, and what works for you both.
    ^ Agree with that.

    I'm in Oz too - married - she works like a trooper and I'm glad she has a job as it gives her an income and life beyond home and me. (if anything she works too much).
    With money - since we got married - it's ours. We have separate savings accounts, joint mortgage and ccards - but we both have access to everything.

    Whatever we do financially - its US - the good or bad. (like my bitcoin 'investment' }.

    This needs trust to work - she still asks me when she wants to buy something beyond the usual - a new phone etc - my usual response is "you don't need to ask me."

    (it helps that she is very sensible with money - not tight but not wasteful).

    When we do argue/disagree - its not about money.

  5. #5
    Utopian Expat
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    How long is a piece a string?

    Everyone's relationships are different, from one extreme to the other.

    Hope it works out and you get another job.

    Carn't really comment on the details and technicalities as my marriage has been a financial train wreck for a few years.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ukan Kizmiaz View Post
    ^ Agree with that.

    I'm in Oz too - married - she works like a trooper and I'm glad she has a job as it gives her an income and life beyond home and me. (if anything she works too much).
    With money - since we got married - it's ours. We have separate savings accounts, joint mortgage and ccards - but we both have access to everything.

    Whatever we do financially - its US - the good or bad. (like my bitcoin 'investment' }.

    This needs trust to work - she still asks me when she wants to buy something beyond the usual - a new phone etc - my usual response is "you don't need to ask me."

    (it helps that she is very sensible with money - not tight but not wasteful).

    When we do argue/disagree - its not about money.
    Nice. IMO, how it should be.

  7. #7
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    Don't people have joint bank accounts anymore? Mine and wife's wages and other income goes in, bills go out, no issues.

  8. #8
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    This scenario wouldn't just "irk" me. It would scare me being back in Oz and now she has full control of ur ass. I hope you didn't buy a house together.

    With my wife it's pretty straightforward. I crashed at her place free like in a hotel and I pay for when we go out. Otherwise she spends her own money and I spend mine.

    Good thing is that she is working and not being lazy or expecting you to pay for everything. The other stuff.... well, it has nothing to do with Thai culture. Everyone wants to skim as much money as possible.... human nature.

    One thing, though, is that my one requirement for a woman in Thailand was that she doesn't have the need to send money home - her parents/family have to be self sufficient. Family is always number 1 to a Thai and if you have someone always depending on handouts that's a big red flag to me.

  9. #9
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    if it works for you - good for you.

    I'm not scared - I think comfortable is a good description for me - but I haven't got a lot to lose - or maybe I just don't care enough about money, so no-one would get full control of my ass using it.

  10. #10
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    From the day we met she has always offered to go halves and since the day we got married all our bank accounts and investments have been in joint names, as are our thai condo and our home in the uk.

    compared to many others with thai wives i am lucky in that mrs. tax is not extravagant with money, she disdains jewellery and gold and knows how to save. she prefers aldi to waitrose and tkmaxx to harvey nicholls and has no desire to swap our battered old pickup truck here for a merc or bmw.

    she is rather partial to business class and decent shoes though, but even then will baulk at paying any price she considers exorbitant.


    as for the op, arguments and disagreements over money and the division of expenses can soon lead to feelings of mistrust, feeling which once out of the bottle are very hard to put back. careful handling, understanding on both sides and patience are called for.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by YourDaddy View Post
    my one requirement for a woman in Thailand was that she doesn't have the need to send money home - her parents/family have to be self sufficient. Family is always number 1 to a Thai and if you have someone always depending on handouts that's a big red flag to me.
    I felt that way too, mostly. But her parents are now around 80, so I don't mind a bit. It's not much.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ukan Kizmiaz View Post

    When we do argue/disagree - its not about money.
    Every marriage certainly is different. I guess I should count my blessings....when we argue, it's about money ! Nothing else, really. Been married 7 years soon, and together on and off for 2 before that.

  12. #12
    Thailand Expat cyrille's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by YourDaddy View Post
    One thing, though, is that my one requirement for a woman in Thailand was that she doesn't have the need to send money home - her parents/family have to be self sufficient. Family is always number 1 to a Thai and if you have someone always depending on handouts that's a big red flag to me.
    My wife sends her mother a few thousand to keep her going, but it's her money. That was one of very few financial ground rules we set before getting married. My wife raised the matter and it was agreed in literally a minute.

    If my wife had ever said something along the lines of 'The man should pay more just because he's the man' as in the op, well, then things would probably have kicked off.

    Judging by the one side of the story we've heard then without kids being involved there is absolutely no basis for this, and it's no different from 'The woman should do the cooking and cleaning'. Unacceptable gender stereotyping.

    Incidentally YD, are you a 'househusband'? Do you do most of the housework since you're at home most of the time?

  13. #13
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    With my first wife, I let her control the money.
    She left me after 9 years and I found out I was $18,000 in debt.
    I swore I'd never let that happen again and now, I control my money.

    I like the eastern cultures (Asian) where the man makes the decisions, controls the money, and pays the bills.

    But, the OP is trying to transform an Asian woman to a western culture.
    Good luck with that.
    I would expect plenty of pot-holes along the way.
    Money being the biggest.

  14. #14
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    Unacceptable gender stereotyping.
    oh do stop it.


    try telling a thai women to wash the car and re hang a door whilst the husband makes somtam and sweeps the floor.

    have some respect for the cultural mores of the thai, and stop imposing western bullshit on them.

    thais have their gender sensibilities well worked out, its just a pity the west struggles with theirs.

  15. #15
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    Unacceptable gender stereotyping.
    oh do stop it.


    try telling a thai women to wash the car and re hang a door whilst the husband makes somtam and sweeps the floor.

    have some respect for the cultural mores of the thai, and stop trying to impose your right on western bullshit on them.

    thais have their gender sensibilities well worked out, its just a pity the west struggles with theirs.

  16. #16
    Thailand Expat cyrille's Avatar
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    She's in the west.

    More rights and more responsibilities.

    You'd have to be a dimwitted, fossilised caricature of a man to think tha...

    ...oh.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyrille View Post

    Incidentally YD, are you a 'househusband'? Do you do most of the housework since you're at home most of the time?
    No. Because I am stupid and don't know how to clean the Thai house properly.

    Sometimes she hands me a vacuum cleaner, but I use no work permit excuse.

  18. #18
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    She's in the west.

    More rights and more responsibilities.
    so are you saying that all immigrants to the uk should immediately forgo their traditions and culture and suddenly adopt those of the west.

    you seem a little confused.

    you live in the middle east dont you ..... did you suddenly forsake your own views and adopt the culture and traditions of the middle eastern male.

    i doubt it very much.


    perhaps you could post a video of the next stoning to death for adultery or flogging for uncovering the face that you see on your walk to the 7-11 for a couple of beers..

  19. #19
    Thailand Expat cyrille's Avatar
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    A poor fishing trip, even by your standards.

    You don't even seem sure whether you're talking about immigrants or not.

  20. #20
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    thank you for the acknowledgement of your hypocrisy.

  21. #21
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    We both accept gender stereotyping for the most part. She's happy cooking and doing half of the cleaning, and I'm happy looking after the car and doing the other "mens half" of the cleaning : taking out the rubbish, scrubbing the shower and so on.

    I guess I shouldn't worry about the money so much, when we almost never argue about anything else.

  22. #22
    Thailand Expat cyrille's Avatar
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    Just decide whether you're really that worried or not, I reckon.

    You're not necessarily wrong to be letting it piss you off.

    tax...when you're Ernie without Eric it doesn't really work.

  23. #23
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by taxexile View Post
    oh do stop it.


    try telling a thai women to wash the car and re hang a door whilst the husband makes somtam and sweeps the floor.

    have some respect for the cultural mores of the thai, and stop trying to impose your right on western bullshit on them.

    thais have their gender sensibilities well worked out, its just a pity the west struggles with theirs.
    You can say that again

  24. #24
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    (Grumble). Well, I guess I'd rather have the love and good sex than an irritable and unhappy wife. But how can I win this without losing face ? We're at a stalemate right now.

  25. #25
    I'm in Jail

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    Arguing about money can certainly lead to a fooking great fallout so I'd be a tad careful there me old mate. Especially when ya now have a bint versed in the Australian way.

    That being, when the shit goes down in a live in relationship the Bint walks out with a huge great smile on her face.

    I'd say considering you do not have a house things aren't that bad.

    The house and the SUPA are the big issue.

    How's ya Super lookin.

    Bottom line is this though, hard to change the financial arrangements now considering that she was kept woman for two years.

    Good luck with it, certainly a hard fix at this point though.

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