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  1. #1
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    Staying put ~ making the most of where you are / Slap rant volume 97

    Largely inspired by Chaz's 'Time to move on' thread...

    I have a confession to make:

    I fucking hate south-east England.

    And therefore it's somewhat unfortunate that it's where I currently find myself residing.

    The pace of life; the cost of living; most of the people living in it; the invariably shit weather; and the fact that I'm not basking on a remote stretch of sand off the Gulf of Siam thumbing my way through a Grisham novel while some nubile hussy whose buttocks you could play like the bongos tongues my testicles with unbridled enthusiasm... all these things conspire to have me conclude that life is, at present, not 100 per cent perfect.

    "Why did you come back?[from Thailand]" appears to be a stockpile enquiry.

    "The kids' education." is my stockpile reply.

    But this, I must confess, is wearing a trifle thin, and what I really want to say is "I have no fucking idea why we returned to this total fuck-hole of a place; and right now all I'm ultimately concerned about is my immediate happiness, and the local primary school who send me some 7,000 text messages per day about this trip and that trip and this bill and that... sure ain't contributing a jot towards it. Now fuck off out of my face before I vomit over you."

    Of course, I never really say any of that, but it's been on the tip of my tongue on numerous occasions.

    However, in spite of all this, I have developed a succession of coping mechanisms which have enable me to enjoy fleeting spells of pleasure and contentment in the face of true adversity. I understand I'm not living in an Al Shabab stronghold in Somalia, but one still has to make one's way through life - does one not?

    One such strategy I've fairly recently called into play follows thus.

    I used to commute to work in the car.
    Annoyance: I'm driving at 70mph down the A3 in the slow lane and some fucker decides to sit up my arse for the duration. This incites the kind of rage which only usually manifested after a 30 second chat with the mother in-law. Not good, not healthy.

    I started to take the train instead:
    Annoyance: Expensive, and the presence of other people - lots of other people.

    I started to cycle:
    Annoyance: The potential of succumbing to an 80-year-old chap piloting a Morris Minor who lost his vision in the late Seventies.

    And finally - I started to cycle off road.
    Annoyance: Not Applicable
    After plotting a route featuring bridleways, footpaths and towpaths on the Ordnance Survey map, I now spend my mornings and evenings encompassed by rural serenity.

    Just a mile from my front door and I'm into the thick of it...



    Climbing onto the North Downs...



    Onto the Downs and we're enveloped by peace and quiet...



    The occasional gate needs hopping over, but we pay them no never mind. Not the bike. It's, if I may, a fucking good piece of apparatus.



    Off the Downs and into an expanse of farm land...



    A bit of aquatic action...



    And finally, spunk half a day's wages on a cup of coffee before heading into the office for an eight-hour sit down...



    It'll do - for now.

    I think, though, the ultimate inspiration for this thread is that the mrs and kids are heading back to Thailand next week for a three-week jolly. I'm still waiting for my invitation.

  2. #2
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    I find sedation helps one through the bustle of Blighty, that and the great outdoors.
    Real life, one has to grow up one day, well sometimes ...but not fully

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    I'm still waiting for my invitation.
    Granted


  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chittychangchang
    I find sedation helps one through the bustle of Blighty,
    What, you mean like diazepam and shit?

    I personally tend to hit the ale (Forst when in Italy) hard of an evening while watching repeats of The Chase on Challenge TV. Rock.and.roll.

  5. #5
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    fuck giving Costa £2.50+ for a coffee, some even buy a posh sarnie everyday too ,
    i d rather stick my head under a tap
    or buy a pint of cold milk and shovel some coffee grains in, shaken not stirred,
    or a 1970s trainspotting Flask

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by blue
    fuck giving Costa £2.50+
    £2.08 - it's subsidised.

    Exclusive to Friday's for me in the main though.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I fucking hate south-east England.
    Croydon, you mean. Everyone hates Croydon, Croydon hates Croydon.

    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I understand I'm not living in an Al Shabab stronghold in Somalia
    I haven't been to Croydon recently, but I suspect she's well on her way.

    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I started to cycle:
    Annoyance: The potential of succumbing to an 80-year-old chap piloting a Morris Minor who lost his vision in the late Seventies.
    I read this as an admission that you've been seduced, and 'Morris Minor' is a euphemism for his large cock; was he wearing Lycra when you first met? Did he recently take you on a romantic trip to Italy

    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    the mrs and kids are heading back to Thailand next week for a three-week jolly
    I'll be there in abouuuuuuut, 20 days. A week in Kata beach, by meself, reading a book. Then 18 days in Bangkok which entails 10 sporadic working days and 8 days of leisure. Any suggestions.
    Cycling should be banned!!!

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Chittychangchang
    I find sedation helps one through the bustle of Blighty,
    What, you mean like diazepam and shit?

    I personally tend to hit the ale (Forst when in Italy) hard of an evening while watching repeats of The Chase on Challenge TV. Rock.and.roll.
    I spent 15 years working and living abroad before finally shackling down to family life and responsibility and bills and more bills and more fooking bills and no personal life.

    Hand on my heart, it doesn't get any easier. You just learn to live with it and enjoy the magic moments.

    Many would swap places with you via your situation.
    Living with family in the UK.
    Not so easy nowadays with the visa and immigration financial requirements.

    Holidays are good to escape from it all and put shit into perspective.

    Thought about changing jobs? As the kids get older they need you around more, i don't know your missus but my experience of Thai women is it's not akin to having another child in the family.

    Instead of uprooting your settled family back to Thailand where you will struggle financially through lack of work options and as the Slapettes get older you'll need eyes in the back of your head and a gun to ward of the local Somchais.

    Change your job or mode of transport, a few options...









    You'll be right!!

    It's Friday!!!

    Get fooked up, i know i will be

  9. #9
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    ^ just for the sake of clarity, are you suggesting that Misery Slaps becomes a drug dealer or a drug addict?


  10. #10
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    A barrow boy flogging cabbages, seems to be in demand at the moment.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    Croydon, you mean. Everyone hates Croydon, Croydon hates Croydon.
    Not in Croydon any more, Botty. I'm deep in sticksville. Well, no longer snared by the M25 anyway.



    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    Any suggestions.
    Yes, Yabba and Lau Khao blow outs are always excellent fun.



    Quote Originally Posted by Chittychangchang
    Instead of uprooting your settled family back to Thailand where you will struggle financially
    Without trying to sound like, you know, a wanker, I could retire tomorrow if I moved to Thailand. Ho hum.

    Not to worry though, the post was just in jest, for the most part.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chittychangchang
    A barrow boy flogging cabbages
    He could do that in Issan with Pa.

    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Not in Croydon any more
    Well that's a move in the right direction, Shirley.

  13. #13
    Thailand Expat armstrong's Avatar
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    that bike ride does look nice. but I can't imagine it's much fun at 6am on a pissing it down November morning.

    Although actually, if i remember correctly I used to like my hour walks to work in the dark, cold rain provided i was dressed appropriately and remembered my walkman (it's been a while )
    I'd like to see what morning looks like
    Don't wanna drink pint after pint
    I wanna wake up without feeling sick
    But I can't cuz I'm a drug-abusing alcoholic

  14. #14
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    Id sooner be in the UK right now








    Nice long summer days that never seemed to end in dry heat drinking cider down the beer garden before the ex turned up throwing bin bags full of belongings.

    Yeah maybe not

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by armstrong
    but I can't imagine it's much fun at 6am on a pissing it down November morning.
    No, it doesn't really happen that much in the winter - although I did do a full-house of road commutes, Monday-Friday, one week last December - that's 15 miles each way in an average of -3 degrees. Brrrr.



    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    Id sooner be in the UK right now
    No you wouldn't. We can't deal with this heat. The fucking A31 melted last week.



    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    Nice long summer days that never seemed to end in dry heat drinking cider down the beer garden before the ex turned up throwing bin bags full of belongings.
    That'll do it. Good plan.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    Nice long summer days that never seemed to end in dry heat drinking cider down the beer garden before the ex turned up throwing bin bags full of belongings.
    Some people have no consideration for beer garden etiquette


  17. #17
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    I did April to October in UK one year.
    Can no longer imagine what it's like when dark o'clock is 15.45 until 0.930. I was freezing and borrowing jumpers, even in August.
    Plus everything and everyone wants your cash, now, instantly, no favourable terms or deferred payments,
    You've been away so long, you have no credit history, so you pay cash for everything and even that is getting rare these days.
    I'll settle for 1 hours bullocking rainfall of an evening, followed by a few hours getting wet, on the inside.
    Heart of Gold and a Knob of butter.

  18. #18
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    @ccc - nice abs on the gigolo. Thnx!

    Does slap have the right physique to be a gigolo? Heh...

  19. #19
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    Hey slap your pics have disappeared. I think photofuckers have struck again. Andcwelcomecback betty. Where ya been ?
    Last edited by beerlaodrinker; 08-07-2017 at 09:25 AM.

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by chassamui
    Can no longer imagine what it's like when dark o'clock is 15.45 until 0.930.
    I quite like it. Darkness means one isn't obliged to go out and do stuff, and it's perfectly acceptable to hunker down with a case of ale from 5pm onwards. Autumn, though, I would say is my favourite monthy of the year - the woodsmoke reminds me of Isaan...





    Quote Originally Posted by katie23
    Does slap have the right physique to be a gigolo?
    No, and I have an incredibly small penis to boot.



    Quote Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker
    I think photofuckers have struck again.
    Yes, I should learn to use the forum software really.

  21. #21
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    Slaps, I think it's quite normal to have down periods. We all have them!! I had one of my mega crying, listening to sad music epic moments a couple of days ago. Felt great afterwards. Apart from a slight bleary eyed headache. Shit, I have cancer - i shouldn't drink like i used to... Sometimes, I just have to!! Once a month-ish. Feel like i was skipping through life without a care in the world.

    You may miss your happy fun life in Thailand. But, the decision you and your wife made to take the girls to England for their education should be applauded. Think of the future they will have. And the fact that they can travel back to see their Thai family often is a bonus. And I am sure you are earning quite a bit more in the UK to secure not only your childrens' lives but also your and your wife's lives.

    Very proud of you!! And still loving your stories!!!
    Last edited by patsycat; 08-07-2017 at 07:46 PM.

  22. #22
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    Thanks Pats, and all the best to you, love.

    Blast, all the pics have buggered off.

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by patsycat
    But, the decision you and your wife made to take the girls to England for their education should be applauded.
    Personally, I think it deserves a standing ovation.

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