Developed a bit of an irritant on my right arse cheek about a fortnight ago.
Caused me to sit like a wench with the right leg crossed at the knee so as to lift up the buttock to avoid pain.
After a week, i couldn't even cross the old legs to avoid contact.
The irritant had grown in size.
Close proximity to air made me bum hurt.
Then i remembered a contraption of taped together motorcycle mirrors i made a while back, located it, repaired it, and eventually managed to maneuver said contraption to just the right angle to check out the pain source.
A fucking massive bum boil.
Didn't have enough hands to look at it and squeeze it at the same time, so propped the mirror as to look at my mouth, and proceeded bindly squeezing.
The pain was exquisite.
The results were not.
After another week i had a third buttock.
As lady luck smiled upon me in the early hours of this morning, i squeezed until the pain made me smile, and there was a noise like a single cheap chinky firework.
Luckily i had an old crusty emergency sock under the pillow.
Which i bit on to stop me screaming.
Came in handy to mop up the mess as well.
All's well that ends well.