The super-duper, splendid and tremendous adventures of Malcolm in Thailand

**DJ Pat** · 14-12-2016, 01:56 AM

Now that ''malcolm'' has joined and posted his thread asking advice, what's the point in finishing this story when he can tell us himself.

Hopefully he'll tell all before he gets banned or leaps from a balcony in Pattaya

**stroller** · 14-12-2016, 02:13 AM

Originally Posted by DJ Pat

leaps from a balcony in Pattaya

Too much dosh... I reckon he will eventually start a pie business, once settled down with a pleasant Issanite.

**wasabi** · 14-12-2016, 02:54 AM

Originally Posted by DJ Pat

Now that ''malcolm'' has joined and posted his thread asking advice, what's the point in finishing this story when he can tell us himself.

Hopefully he'll tell all before he gets banned or leaps from a balcony in Pattaya

Well Pat it appears that Malcolm asked for advice in an OP that he wrote after the initial Slap story had been available for a while.

So I take it that if Slap does not publish chapter 2 then Malcolm has no story to follow.

Now Malcolm can prove me wrong by posting independently .

**Sumbitch** · 14-12-2016, 09:25 AM

Malcolm in a Muddle is obviously an imposter:

Originally Posted by malcolm in a muddle

I am a British citizen hailing from Richmond, a pleasant enough little suburban settlement with a Waterstones and a WHSmiths and a lawn bowling club of which I can proudly state I am the treasurer. I have, what you might call, a cosy little life here in South-East England, and want for nothing - save for female company which exists outside the realms of my computer screen.

...However, as a result of a set of circumstances which recently arose, it is imperative that I board a Bangkok bound aircraft this week to begin a new life in South-East Asia.

Essentially, I suppose, I will be in hiding, but I don't want to merely exist. I wonder, do they have any Waterstones branches in any of the more far flung areas?

And food. I'm a little concerned about the culinary offerings available. I've heard it's a little on the spicy and repugnant side? A few evenings ago I inadvertantly added an extra 90 degree twist of the pepper grinder to my mash potato and mother had to take me to accident and emergency. I was given 10mg of valium and a little pat on the back from the nurse. That calmed me down. Do they have valium in Thailand? And nurses who pat you on the back?

Jesus, the guy can write like you slap. Gotta be fake, that, what?

Originally Posted by wasabi

So I take it that if Slap does not publish chapter 2 then Malcolm has no story to follow.

That's some food for thought there, Slap. Hope you haven't finished chapter 2 yet. Put some juicy bio in it to flesh this Malcolm in a Muddle out. Then some suggestions about living on a farm in the sticks with a town nearby that has a pharmacy that sells valium and a go-go bar where he can meet his smooci dates.

**somtamslap** · 14-12-2016, 10:27 PM

Part two: An office party for one

Malcolm arrived at work on this crisp December morning feeling decidedly brazen.

He swaggered into the office on Southwark, winked at Alison Braithwaite who was manning reception, and grinned broadly at Timothy Tatham as he hung up his coat and hat.

Sitting down at his desk now, looking in over a sea of bowed heads rather than out, as many in his office did, over the spiky skyline of London, Malcolm opened his Yahoo inbox and began composing an email, strictly for Tatham's eyes only.

After 10 minutes of careful construction, he proofread his mail — giggling childishly as he went back through the content.

"Dear Timothy,

It appears that you and I haven't got off to the best of starts. And since you're due to stay with us for several months on work experience, I would consider it a thoroughly spanking plan if we buried the hatchet and began working together on the Bridgewater account. I have the knowhow, you have the streetsmarts, what say we convene at the Victoria Tower Gardens for lunch and thrash out the details?

Best

Malcolm Fitzpatrick

ps. I've got Spanish chorizo and roasted onion salad for lunch. Bring a fork - there's enough for two!

Pressing send, Malcolm reclined as far as his cheap office chair would allow him and began inspecting his purchases: gaffer tape, an aluminium garden waste bin, and a wooden mallet. He drank in the items with his eyes, filling them with pure, unbridled evil. Then he began to laugh; a high pitched, uncontrollable shriek which became so loud and animated that soon every single person in the office had circled Malcolm's workspace, curious of the reason for this brouhaha.

Oblivious to the growing number of spectators, Malcolm had become so excited at the thought of bludgeoning Tatham to death in a central London park, that he thrust his right hand into his underpants and began ferociously tugging at his penis.

So the manically laughing, furiously wanking Malcolm now had spectatorship of several dozen. Timothy Tatham was already uploading a five second clip of the incident to YouTube and Stephanie Shirkford had passed out.

It was only when Tatham shouted, "Smile for the camera, you fucking sex case" that Malcolm snapped to from his reverie and the realisation of what was actually happening very, very gradually sunk in.

"Get out of this office now!" boomed David Kerricky, the company's director. And with that, leaving his Robert Dyas purchases behind, Malcolm hurried a few keepsakes from his desk into his bag, and ran, nay sprinted, out of his ex place of employment and made a beeline for the nearest train station.

The humilation was unbearable.

Malcolm had no other option but to leave the country - and never come back.

**wasabi** · 14-12-2016, 10:39 PM

I'm so glad Tathum escaped the disturbed murderer.

**Sumbitch** · 15-12-2016, 02:39 AM

Originally Posted by somtamslap

Malcolm had no other option but to leave the country - and never come back.

I still vote for L.A.

**david44** · 15-12-2016, 03:43 AM

I imagine Malcolm will be a visa runner for many years.
We're polishing off stools for him right now, one at the Winchester and one at the boiler room where you can earn enough for as many old boilers as you desire

**Sumbitch** · 15-12-2016, 10:27 AM

Originally Posted by david44

I imagine Malcolm will be a visa runner for many years.

No place like LOS? Without a retirement visa? But you're write D-boy. I think slap just poked the tip of the iceberg out in the middle of the Gulf of Thailand. The first meltdown is in the book(s).

**Simon43** · 15-12-2016, 02:35 PM

..that he thrust his right hand into his underpants and began ferociously tugging at his penis.

Yonks ago I ran a technical recruitment agency and I sent 1 guy off to work for Marconi, but he was caught wanking in the company library and my agency was blacklisted for sending 'perverts' to client companies.

**somtamslap** · 15-12-2016, 02:37 PM

Originally Posted by wasabi

I'm so glad Tathum escaped the disturbed murderer.

Steady on. Malcolm is but a misguided serial masturbator.

Originally Posted by Sumbitch

I still vote for L.A.

Alas, Malcolm, I have it on good authority, is currently ensconsed in an airbus headed East; flying over Calcutta while watching Home Alone 2 on the inflight entertainment system.

Originally Posted by david44

We're polishing off stools for him right now

Keep the Pimms on ice.

**Maanaam** · 15-12-2016, 06:42 PM

Originally Posted by david44

We're polishing off stools for him right now

You can't polish a stool, or if you can, it would still be a stool.
Just like rolling one in glitter, it's still a stool.

**david44** · 15-12-2016, 06:49 PM

Originally Posted by Maanaam

Originally Posted by david44

We're polishing off stools for him right now

You can't polish a stool, or if you can, it would still be a stool.
Just like rolling one in glitter, it's still a stool.

**Digby Fantona** · 15-12-2016, 07:57 PM

Originally Posted by Simon43

..that he thrust his right hand into his underpants and began ferociously tugging at his penis.

Yonks ago I ran a technical recruitment agency and I sent 1 guy off to work for Marconi, but he was caught wanking in the company library and my agency was blacklisted for sending 'perverts' to client companies.

Was he masturbating the librarians or just himself ?

**Cujo** · 15-12-2016, 09:48 PM

Originally Posted by Digby Fantona

Originally Posted by Simon43

..that he thrust his right hand into his underpants and began ferociously tugging at his penis.

Yonks ago I ran a technical recruitment agency and I sent 1 guy off to work for Marconi, but he was caught wanking in the company library and my agency was blacklisted for sending 'perverts' to client companies.

Was he masturbating the librarians or just himself ?

Fuck off with your pathetic one liners.
Who are you? Smegagain?

**Digby Fantona** · 15-12-2016, 09:54 PM

Originally Posted by Cujo

Fuck off with your pathetic one liners.
Who are you? Smegagain?

I note that you have used eleven words. Who the hell is "Smegagain" ?

**ChookRaffle Jones** · 15-12-2016, 10:22 PM

Originally Posted by somtamslap

ps. I've got Spanish chorizo and roasted onion salad for lunch. Bring a fork - there's enough for two!

is that some sort of a pommy poofter lingo ??? Please enlighten us.

**wasabi** · 15-12-2016, 10:48 PM

How come the only hot librarians to be seen are in porn movies, just like nurses.

**Digby Fantona** · 15-12-2016, 10:55 PM

Originally Posted by wasabi

How come the only hot librarians to be seen are in porn movies, just like nurses.

... and nuns.

**david44** · 15-12-2016, 10:59 PM

Originally Posted by Digby Fantona

. and nuns.

and Figby Dantona the the British Airways blight attendant

**DJ Pat** · 15-12-2016, 11:53 PM

How about cutting the crap and getting Malcolm on the damn plane

**Sumbitch** · 16-12-2016, 12:12 AM

Originally Posted by david44

and Figby Dantona the the British Airways blight attendant

I agree. Think about the publicity attendant with the true life story of other posters (besides Malcolm in a Muddle).

**Cujo** · 16-12-2016, 09:40 AM

Originally Posted by somtamslap

Oblivious to the growing number of spectators, Malcolm had become so excited at the thought of bludgeoning Tatham to death in a central London park, that he thrust his right hand into his underpants and began ferociously tugging at his penis.

So the manically laughing, furiously wanking Malcolm now had spectatorship of several dozen. Timothy Tatham was already uploading a five second clip of the incident to YouTube and Stephanie Shirkford had passed out.

Here we've gone from the realms of humorous and entertaining to just plain silly.

**Cujo** · 16-12-2016, 09:41 AM

Originally Posted by Digby Fantona

Originally Posted by Cujo

Fuck off with your pathetic one liners.
Who are you? Smegagain?

I note that you have used eleven words. Who the hell is "Smegagain" ?

Would you like to see a picture of my shoes?

**somtamslap** · 17-12-2016, 12:15 AM

"Afternoon Earthlings, Malcolm here.

Well, what can I say? Five minutes of masturbating madness and my 20 years of employment with Sessions Ltd comes to a sudden and permanent end. Now I shall never be able to exact revenge on that terrible Timothy Tatham creature, and my love for Murtle McIntyre shall remain unrequited. Oh woe, woe, woe - grrreat, grreat woe is me!

Oh well. Here I am in Victoria station at the beginning of my mammoth sabbatical out East. And look at that - a Burger King! Excuse me a moment. I'm about to get up close and personal with some processed flesh."

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