Originally Posted by
snakeeyes
Episode 1 for my weekly dining review guys - here's where I take a break from eating cheap snatch down on soi 6 and feast on a selection of equally putrid fare at one of the many 'restaurants' in Pattaya. Of course, when I say 'restaurant', I actually mean an ailing cafe-cum-canteen in which the chef possesses the flair and hygiene of a spasticated sewer rat, and the owner is invariably a sweaty caucasian type whose knowledge of the catering industry begins and ends with the voracious consumption of all the fucking pies - the fat kunt.
Let's start with an old favourite, The sportsman, down Soi 13, off 2nd Road. The place has been established in Pattaya for a number of years now, longer than I’ve been here in fact - but I suppose that's relative because I rocked up at the arse end of 2015 and flung meself nuts deep into a vat of noodle soup broth and half the short time snatch on beach road and the rest is history.
I have eaten there many times in the past, but not for a long time - I haven't eaten there for a long time because the food was uninspiring, poorly cooked and generally just a load of fucking shite - but I decided to see how things had changed. I got there about 9:30pm on Friday night, reasoning that the seven large bottles of beer fucking chang I'd imbibed prior to eating would somehow make me forget I was about to spend half the Ghanian gross domestic product on an underwhelming plate of 'western' food.
I was surprised to see not so many customers (actually I wasn't - the chilly reception I received from the waitress was enough to have me screaming my way back to soi 6) . Much quieter than what I remember, although this can be said about most places in Pattaya at the moment - mainly, I'd imagine, because everyone's wised up to the fact it's a turgid pile of festering dog muck.
Staff still as thick as ever, totally wrecking the English language and about as efficient as a pile of dead dung beetles. Menu choices were, as expected, totally unoriginal. They have quite a large selection of both western and Thai dishes, smaller snacks, and of course (of course!), desserts. Simple dishes, home favorites, but nothing too fancy (because the chef is unable to operate outside the realms of the microwave and a wok full of hot fat). My better half had a prawn cocktail (because this is the 1950s), and I opted for a salmon steak (because I'm an idiot), with potatoes and a bit of vegetables - yes, you read that right - a bit of vegetables. Both meals came well presented, looked pleasing to the eye (I knew those seven beer changs would come in handy), and were a healthy size. Taste wise, I couldn’t complain - I was also off my face on crack cocaine and lao khao and my taste buds had broke camp for the day. I have had nicer meals in other, more upmarket restaurants, but that’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy my meal, because I did. SO THERE!
Im easily pleased - I also have a knack of stating the utter bleeding obvious - however, unlike my girlfriend who is terribly fussy when it comes to food, especially western food. Thankfully, she was happy with her choice too. We finished off sharing a couple scoops of coconut ice-cream. The whole meal came to 1,025 baht. We however chose not to pay this and in a moment of crack, lau khao and beer chang fuelled madness I stabbed the waitress in the face with a fork and kicked the owner in the bollocks before hot-footing it to soi 6 for a liquour - slurrrrrp.