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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    When Shazzer met Trevor: a whirlwind romance in Wetherspoons

    " 'Av ya got a spare fag, mate?" said the young lady balancing a peroxide blond rats nest on her head.

    Attired in apparel which left very little to the imagination, her outfit this evening comprised a pair of denim cut-offs so dimunitive in structure that it actually looked like they were being slowly consumed by her vagina. Her top half was festooned with what can simply be described as a black bra, and in this instance it appeared several decades too small. Her chest burst forth from the slender strappage, spilling sloppily out of the cups in huge drips of surplus flesh.

    Despite having ventured forth onto this Friday evening in clothing fit for the most desparate realms of the red light district, I had to admire her. This was bastard October. It was heavily autumnal. And so while I huddled up with my warming pint of Lurcher's stout, shod in a thick jacket and jeans, and she ostentatiously slugged at a white wine spritzer with 95 per cent flesh on display, I couldn't help feel an odd sort of affinity with this damsel in distress.


    As a result of her breasts proximity to my fucking face, I was able to observe a faded scrawl on the top of her right tit: Jayden, 9th June, 2016. And just below it: Jazzy (Jazzy?) October 5, 2015. And across to her left: Keesha, 8/4/2009.

    This chick was starting to annoy me now. Not only did she have a veritable fucking litter of offspring but there was no consistancy in the style of dates decorating her cleavage. What a loser.

    "No. Regretfully I do not "av a spare fag,"" I replied.

    And then hecame out.

    He had a shaved head. Of course he did. Don't they all. And when spoke it was gutteral clang which brought to mind a brick being thrown through a window.

    "S'fag yer wont is it, luv? Ee are..." he clanked out in between boisterous gulps of Carling before mollifying the short muncher with a Lambert and Butler.

    "Yeh aaaht on the piss tonight or what?" he pressed in that same flinch-inducing vernacular.

    "Yeh, fuckin' right," the semi-naked mother of three replied. "Gonna smash a load of these back (she ended the existence of her current beverage) and fuck off up to Blackjacks for a boogie." The girl, it had to be said, had mapped out a text book evening."

    "Ah've got a bit a powder if ya fancy it - make ya a bit lih'er on ya feet?" Apparently a mating ritual of sorts had begun. This was fascinating stuff indeed.

    In my head now, I narrated in my best Attenborough.

    "And of course at the very mention of the word 'powder' her bust heaves so hard that her bra just about busts, and her shorts disappear yet further into the vast chasm between her thighs.

    ANd they both made a beeline bound for the Wetherpoons shitter, arm in arm - as somtam-eros-slap tanned the remains of his Lurcher and disappeared into the dark suburban evening... not in the least bit jealous.

  2. #2
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    Ah the sophistication of the debutantes of Croydon, was it Shirley from Purley or Swallington Lil, I tryst you weren't the lump slumped up outside Bugger King East Croydon or was that jeffers impersonating a piece of Burke and Hare emnalming ?

    There's a jar of embracation on my mantel 4u
    Quote Originally Posted by Latindancer View Post
    I just want the chance to use a bigger porridge bowl.

  3. #3
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    nice stuff slap, it reads like the bastard son of viz magazine and trainspotting.

    british sleaze is disgusting and repellent leaving little to the imagination whereas thai sleaze exudes temptation and mystery and is quite inviting.

    And just below it: Jazzy (Jazzy?) October 5, 2015
    sure it wasnt "jizzy, october 5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12 2015"

  4. #4
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by david44
    was it Shirley from Purley or Swallington Lil
    In the wilds on north-east Hants. Same rules apply up and down the isle.





    Quote Originally Posted by taxexile
    british sleaze is disgusting and repellent
    And - well, in my case anyway - it usually involves vast quantities of flab and very few Ts and Hs.

    Not that I want to live in this country for any longer than I have to, but if this kind of carry on continues I'm off for a life of solitude in the Pennines.

  5. #5
    splendid and tremendous
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    It was amid a stippling of stale piss that the new lovers first exchange a ferocious tonguing.



    Then Trevor tried to manipulate Shazzer - who was rather quite pliable due to the hardcore consumption of spritzers - into bending over one of the urinals, but she was apparently more interested in the Christmas dinner advert on the wall, thus rendering this tender moment null and void.

  6. #6
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    The Robertshaw, Westhoughton.

    Easily the roughest Spoons on planet Earth.

    I mean the landlord was jacking up smack in bollocks on the bar and the local tramps were feasting hungrily in urinal cake.


  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Then Trevor tried to manipulate Shazzer - who was rather quite pliable due to the hardcore consumption of spritzers - into bending over one of the urinals, but she was apparently more interested in the Christmas dinner advert on the wall, thus rendering this tender moment null and void.
    Nice one, Slap.

  8. #8
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    You do make me laugh. Out loud.

    Whereas - Patsy was out last night - had a couple of wines, a good bop and was in bed before 3.

    My arthritis is killing me today!!

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by patsycat View Post
    had a couple of wines, a good bop and was in bed before 3.
    FFS, how many were in the bed altogether?

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Westhoughton.

    Easily the roughest Spoons on planet Earth.
    Bolton bangers, guaranteed shag.

    You get about Slaps, surprised your still here after a trip to Bolton.

  11. #11
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    Weatherspoons pubs are a successful chain, and here locally two are also Hotels, and very smart they are.
    I don't know how you seem to find the awfull ones.

  12. #12
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chittychangchang
    You get about Slaps, surprised your still here after a trip to Bolton.
    LEJoG. Only popped in for a piss.



    Quote Originally Posted by wasabi
    Weatherspoons pubs are a successful chain
    Are they? I've never heard of them.

  13. #13
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    It was a misty day difficult to read the signage.
    My good lady and I will be drinking at a Wetherspoons bar on Thursday before boarding TG911 i intended to drink, drink,drink and drink lots of cider until everything is going around and around.

  14. #14
    R.I.P. Luigi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Attenborough.
    Oi!!

    E's been copyright'd lad.

    https://teakdoor.com/the-dog-house/16...e-jerk-12.html


  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iceman123 View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by patsycat View Post
    had a couple of wines, a good bop and was in bed before 3.
    FFS, how many were in the bed altogether?
    just me in my flannel jammies!! Oh, and i put Sir Van the Man on the you tube.

    So two.

  16. #16
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    Thanks for the tale & chuckle, slaps.

    Btw, have you done your triathlon/ duathlon already?

  17. #17
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    I have reason to believe a duathlon was had right here, after a few pints.

    Sub categories : height, duration, strength of stream and accompanying comments .

    "You never buy beer, you only rent it".


  18. #18
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by katie23
    Btw, have you done your triathlon/ duathlon already?
    Next month, Katie.

    About to go on a 200km training ride.

    Just thought I'd put that little piece of information out there.

  19. #19
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    [QUOTE=Latindancer;3368171]

    "You never buy beer, you only rent it".

    /QUOTE]


  20. #20
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    Pebbledashing thruough Surrey
    Thursday's spoons gourmet Curry
    The candid bathroom snapper
    Aka author/biker/ slapper
    Just a quickie" 'es in a hurry

    ---When arrested by Froyle community constable he said just a Flush in a pan

  21. #21
    En route
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    Quote Originally Posted by patsycat View Post
    me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me
    Is what I see whenever I read a patsy post.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cujo View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by patsycat View Post
    me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me
    Is what I see whenever I read a patsy post.
    I was just thinking that! Or that any joke made is a personal attack on her and every female in the world.

    I'm not sure she's quite grasped what forums are about yet.

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cujo View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by patsycat View Post
    me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me
    Is what I see whenever I read a patsy post.
    Who would you like her to post about?

  24. #24
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iceman123
    Who would you like her to post about?
    Well, me, preferably.

    And on that theme.

    Lucky I've got a pack of Tramadol here (middle tier opiate - for those needing edumacatin' bout pharmaceuticals and shit) because this



    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    About to go on a 200km training ride.

    hurt.


    I'll have Powerbar products on the belch for the next six weeks.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    About to go on a 200km training ride.
    Kindly switch the webcam from the saddle view to the handlebars for family viewing

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