Thread: Offensive Erdogan Limerick Competition- win£1000

Surely we can do better?


Introducing 'The President Erdogan Offensive Poetry Competition' - £1000 prize to be won | Coffee House

Sample

Recep Erdogan is the Turk’ll
Never tire of rim-jobs from his circle
Yet his chief-est delight
(Now Khilafa’s in sight)
Are the felchings he gets from Frau Merkel




Nobody should be surprised that Turkey’s President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has instituted effective blasphemy laws to defend himself from criticism in Turkey. But many of us had assumed that these lèse-majesté laws would not yet be put in place inside Europe. At least not until David Cameron succeeds in his long-held ambition to bring Turkey fully into the EU. Yet here we are. Erdogan’s rule now already extends to Europe.

At the end of last month, during a late-night comedy programme, a young German comedian called Jan Böhmermann included a poem that was rude about Erdogan. Incidentally the point of Mr Böhmermann’s skit was to highlight the obscenity of Turkey already trying to censor satire in Germany.

What happened next happened in swift order. First of all the Turks complained to their German counterparts. Within a few days the programme had been pulled. A few more days and it was whitewashed out of existence altogether. In the meantime Mr Böhmermann himself was forced to go under police protection. The worst blow then came late last week when Chancellor Merkel allowed the prosecution of Mr Böhmermann to go ahead in Germany. Strangely enough, Chancellor Merkel is currently pretending that the trial of a German comedian in Germany for insulting a foreign despot is a liberal act. Don’t we all understand, she asks, that the courts will decide? Well no – the very possibility of putting someone on trial for being rude about Erdogan is as illiberal or rather anti-liberal as these things come. It will be hardly more of a relief if he is found ‘not guilty’ than if he is found ‘guilty’. The fact such a trial could even be contemplated demonstrates that Germany is becoming little more than a satrapy of Erdogan’s.

Well I’m a free-born British man, and we don’t live under the blasphemy laws of such despots. So in honour of this fact I have spent the weekend writing rude limericks about Mr Erdogan. And I would hereby like to invite all readers to join me in a grand Erdogan limerick competition. That isn’t to say that entries which come in the form of Iambic pentameters, or heroic couplets will be completely discounted. I think a work in the Homeric mode, for example, about the smallness of Erdogan’s manhood could (if suitably disgusting) stand some chance of winning. But I recommend limericks because almost everything insulting that is worth saying can usually be included within the five lines of that beautiful and delicate form.

[Alt-Text]
I have not been able to find a sponsor for the competition. So there aren’t any prizes – except perhaps for our continuing freedom. If there is anyone out there who would seriously prefer a box of Ferrero Rocher, Turkish Delight or whatever then I don’t want them to enter this competition anyway.

I would also like to stress that the aim of the competition is to be as filthy and insulting as possible about Recep Erdogan. Rhymes with some political point might be considered, but will inevitably take second-place to works which mull (for example) solely on President Erdogan’s reputed fondness for goats or his notorious untrustworthiness in the vicinity of any public zoo.

The limerick that follows is my best shot so far. But I am happy to report that there are many available rhymes and sexual positions which are still in my jotting pad and remain unused. I should like to reiterate that limericks will be excluded from consideration from the top prize if they are (a) not obscene or (b) non-defamatory. I do not want to have to, Vizier-like, proclaim my own poem the winner. Anyhow, here’s mine:

Recep Erdogan is the Turk’ll
Never tire of rim-jobs from his circle
Yet his chief-est delight
(Now Khilafa’s in sight)
Are the felchings he gets from Frau Merkel
Now purists will notice that I have committed two potential solecisms here. The first is to rhyme ‘Turk’ll’ with ‘circle’. It works when read out loud, but I agree that a purer version would require one to spell out ‘Turk who’ll’. Yet that, I think, would not quite catch the rhyme. Keen-eyed readers will also notice that I have had to use the Arabic ‘Khilafa’ over the more usual (in English) ‘Caliphate’. Personally I think the former works better and adds a touch of exoticism to the work, but there will doubtless be critics who will claim that this use of a foreign word or archaism over its demotic equivalent is done purely in order the keep the fourth line metrical. I recognise this criticism and simply throw myself at the feet of metrical purists everywhere.

Anyway – see if you can do any better. Please submit all entries to theeditor@spectator.co.uk, under the heading ‘The President Erdogan Offensive Poetry Competition’. The winning poem will be announced by 23 June. Because we may not be able to announce it after that point.

Update: A generous reader, who shares the Spectator’s belief in the freedom of speech, is offering a £1000 prize for the best limerick. We’ve had some great entries so far, please keep them coming.

Erdogan, the mad man from hell
whilst awaiting his final farewell
Buys ISIS knicked oil
and didn't try to foil
the israeli false flag in Brussel

Erdogan's cock so pencil like thin
Merkel exclaimed "is it in?"
Shut your infidel noise
I prefer it with six year old boys
Said the Turk with a lopsided grin

That bitch Merkal tried to ignore
What Erdogan asked from a whore
To shit in a cup
and fill it right up
So he could suck it all up with a straw

Erdagon the bum should be working in a kebab takeaway.

Originally Posted by wasabi

Erdagon the bum should be working in a kebab takeaway.

instead he is working 18 hour shifts on an ISIS Stolen oil takeaway.

Ok - if you are playing that game

The rumour that Erdagon tried to stem
was that he fucked twenty five year olds, no and then.
No great surprise,
until you realise
that he meant there were 20 of them.

Erdogan didn't realise that Satire is Offensive.
And the Turks are laughing at his defensive.
And pray he pays the cost expense
For his egotistic stench.

Originally Posted by pseudolus

were 20 of them.

Ouch. That will hurt him.

Genius mate - you should do that for a living. Assuming you are as shit at everything else as you are as limericks.

Pseudolus "What's this, then? Pene omnes artis imitatio? From a penis, all the art imitation?"

DrKnob "It says "Almost all art is imitation"

Pseudolus "No, it doesn't!"

DrKnob: Er, "but that's what google translate shat out, and I had to knock a word off the end so that it rhymed"!

Pseudolus "Artis? Accusative singular? Just one art? Which one, boy? The mona bloomin lisa?"

.......


Try again DrKnob, and write it out 100 times or I'll cut your balls off.

Romanum ite domum!

Turkey's Prez, when he was asked why
He likes fucking goats and pigs in their sty.
"I only fuck critters
when the baby-sitters
Are watching me with a wary eye.

A 5 year old girl is my choice of sex toy
Remarked Erdogan without being coy.
It's really quite simple
after despoiling her pubic dimple,
I can turn her over and pretend she's a boy.

While sucking a young donkey's dick,
Erdogan begun to feel sick.
Was it drinking donkey cum,
or the dog's cock up his bum?
No, twas the thought there was no boy on his prick.

Erdogan's son crossed the line
When inquiring if shagging animals is fine
So he said to the lad
fuck them all, like your dad
But Don't touch the goat, he's mine

Originally Posted by Maanaam

While sucking a young donkey's dick,
Erdogan begun to feel sick.
Was it drinking donkey cum,
or the dog's cock up his bum?
No, twas the thought there was no boy on his prick.

We have a true poet among us

When Johnny Turk Mustafa Kunt,
He screams like a James Hunt
And won't settle for any pussy,
But Erdogan loves a Hun and will take anything juicy
Which is why Merkel fancies his punt.

Originally Posted by Seekingasylum

When Johnny Turk Mustafa Kunt,
He screams like a James Hunt
And won't settle for any pussy,
But Erdogan loves a Hun and will take anything juicy
Which is why Merkel fancies his punt.

Excellent imagery, The Gent. I'm not sure about the attempt at rhyming pussy and juicy?

Good first effort.

Originally Posted by Lostandfound

Originally Posted by Seekingasylum

When Johnny Turk Mustafa Kunt,
He screams like a James Hunt
And won't settle for any pussy,
But Erdogan loves a Hun and will take anything juicy
Which is why Merkel fancies his punt.

Excellent imagery, The Gent. I'm not sure about the attempt at rhyming pussy and juicy?

Good first effort.

Try again using a French accent - works fine.