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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Hualamphong train station, 5pm

    It was early evening at Hualamphong train station in Bangkok and after paying for a ticket I promptly repaired to a small shop outside the station and bought seven large bottles of beer chang. I weighed the bag in my hand and the bottles clinked tunefully like a wind chime - it was a nice sound, it was the sound of happiness. But I decided after a time or two that seven wasn't going to be enough and paid for another five just to be on the safe side.

    Who knew how long this journey would take.

    I looked at the locomotive. It idled there on platform number three and it shone - it actually gleamed. The claret red of the engine carriage had been polished to a sheen, resplendent with embossed gold lettering - the state railway of Thailand.
    Further along, the carriages were a little more downtrodden, adorned in flaking blue and white paint with smatterings of rust and splodges of oil sullying the appearance.
    I boarded and found my seat.

    I would, it transpired, be sharing a table with a local gent of an age I was unable to guess at. He had the weather-beaten features of a man who had toiled hard in the fields and had spent a significant amount of time at the bottom of a glass of lau khao - needless to say I liked him immediately. He sported the beginnings of a grin and upon observing my unearthing a bottle of beer from the bag, he beamed a wide and toothy smile.

    "My name Jit" he said in shattered English.

    "Yes, never mind all that" I replied. "Here, drink this."

    I held out a full bottle of chang and he politely snatched it from me and, using the edge of the table as a bottle opener, removed the cap and took a tremendous swig.
    "Where have you been? Where are you going? Why are you going there?"
    Three questions which you'd normally struggle to answer. On a train, though - it's easy. You can summarise your life without really giving it any thought.

    Where have you been?

    Jit was unsure of this.

    Where are you going?

    Again, the question drew a blank.

    Why are you going there?

    Looking at the now empty bottle of award winning ale, I could only surmise that Jit was en route to wherever he was going in order to consume a terrific and possibly life-culminating quota of booze.

    I liked the cut of this man’s jib. And now as he dozed, the beer chang bottle gradually falling through his grip, the train lurched away from the station and set about a steady chug bound for the boondocks.

    I cracked the window an inch or two and sparked up an SMS red, complementing it with the final furlong of my first lager of the evening.

    According to the schedule we were due to arrive in Kalasin at 11 o’ clock.

    I had never been to Kalasin before and knew nothing of what was there.

    Surely there is no greater lure.

    But then, just a few short moments into the journey, something quite extraordinary happened.
    I woke up in an office. Looking out of the window I noticed with not a little distaste that dark and damp clouds dominated the horizon and the skyline was that of suburban London.
    In front of me, instead of bag of beer and a semi-comatose Thai national with a predisposition for getting fucked up as much as humanly possible, was a packet of smoky bacon crisps, an egg mayonnaise sandwich, a can of diet coke and a computer monitor.
    At the risk of plagiarising that most cliched of story endings.

    IT HAD ALL BEEN A FUCKING DREAM.


    That's one way of spending a lunch time anyway....



  2. #2
    Southern Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Dreaming of Thai men on trains? ^ Who is the bender in the chinos ?

    I thought my dreams of falling off tall buildings were bad.

  3. #3
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    Don't cast down on Kalasin.
    Has it's moments.

    Quite a lovely place.

  4. #4
    Southern Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thaimeme
    Don't cast down on Kalasin. Has it's moments. Quite a lovely place.
    Enlighten us then about your .......


  5. #5
    Pedantic bastard
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    Twelve large chang????

    F*ck me. You are the man. I could get wrecked just thinking about twelve large chang.

  6. #6
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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    He was not thinking of drinking all 12 it seems

    there was intent to get a thai man drunk and comatose

    and the rest of the frotting story is best left untyped

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    Dreaming of Thai men on trains?
    Yes. Lucky it wasn't a buxom wench in a muckly massage parlour. All hell would've broken loose.



    Quote Originally Posted by nidhogg
    Twelve large chang????
    Oh yes. And that's before we get busy with my mate's bottle of LK.

  8. #8
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    I enjoyed that yarn slappers, and I cast my mind back to about 1 year ago when I was forced to forsake alcohol and lie on my stomach in a hotel for 2 weeks after a detached retina surgery, doc gave me the green light to go back to the land of beerlao but advised against flying. Took the subway to hualamphomg and booked a sleeper to nongkhai had it all to myself, fucking brilliant it was , I also repaired to a small shop opposite the station where I purchased a shitload of award winners and a big bottle of vodka and some mixers, for the journey. The toilet was down the other end of the carraige but I didn't care, had a sink I could piss in, apparently you can't buy a beer on Thai trains these days after some somchais done some nasty shit previously ,

  9. #9
    Southern Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker
    I was forced to forsake alcohol and lie on my stomach in a hotel for 2 weeks
    You weren't forced at all,you were even sending out invitations to join you in your hotel in your prone position. i nearly came and helped you, then i thought he's a big guy, what if he backs up.

    I'd have risked the blindness tbh

  10. #10
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by baldrick
    He was not thinking of drinking all 12 it seems
    Yes he bladdy well was!



    Quote Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker
    Took the subway to hualamphomg and booked a sleeper to nongkhai
    Splendid! Pics if you have them.



    Quote Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker
    pparently you can't buy a beer on Thai trains these days after some somchais done some nasty shit previously ,
    Yes, so I've heard. Does this mean you can no longer consume alcohol on the train or is it just the sales that are prohibited?

    I'm planning on writing a book about train travel in Thailand and if I'm not allowed to drink on the fuckers I'm gonna bin the idea. :yup"

  11. #11
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    Taking a slash on those trains can be rather entertaining, as the ballast rumbles by below you almost wanna take a shit for the hell of it

  12. #12
    Thailand Expat terry57's Avatar
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    ^^

    No alcohol what so ever anymore on Thai trains.

    Gigs done and dusted simply because drunken Somchai topped someone.

  13. #13
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    if I'm not allowed to drink on the fuckers I'm gonna bin the idea


    Quote Originally Posted by terry57
    No alcohol what so ever anymore on Thai trains.
    Slapper.

    May i suggest "Thailand by taxi".

    Get as pissed up as you like, share your booze with the driver, get to stop in all sorts of nasty places.
    A fucking winner if ever there was one.

  14. #14
    Thailand Expat
    beerlaodrinker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by baldrick
    He was not thinking of drinking all 12 it seems
    Yes he bladdy well was!



    Quote Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker
    Took the subway to hualamphomg and booked a sleeper to nongkhai
    Splendid! Pics if you have them.



    Quote Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker
    pparently you can't buy a beer on Thai trains these days after some somchais done some nasty shit previously ,
    Yes, so I've heard. Does this mean you can no longer consume alcohol on the train or is it just the sales that are prohibited?

    I'm planning on writing a book about train travel in Thailand and if I'm not allowed to drink on the fuckers I'm gonna bin the idea. :yup"
    Not sure if you can bring your own or not? but thats what i done, they definately werent selling any.

    heres a few pics





  15. #15
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I'm planning on writing a book about train travel in Thailand
    maybe thailand by inter city provincial red bus with no air conditioning or brakes

    or thailand by songtaow with pissed somchai at the wheel

    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    "Thailand by taxi"
    or thailand by toyota ventury with the club seating and hostesses

    or a coffee table book - thailand by por

  16. #16
    Thailand Expat
    beerlaodrinker's Avatar
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    Or get por to drive the songtaow

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by thaimeme View Post
    Don't cast down on Kalasin.
    Has it's moments.

    Quite a lovely place.
    Unfortunately one thing it does not have is a railway station.

  18. #18
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by terry57 View Post
    ^^

    No alcohol what so ever anymore on Thai trains.
    You do notice who are the functioning alkies on these trains, those travelling with spouse I mean (as opposed to the lone vagrant types)

    On an overnight train to Nong Khai there were guys all knocking back can after can of Chang while their wives/GFs slept close by.

    Trying to knock themselves into slumber, clearly out of their comfort zone, but still in need of that buzz to ensure they pass out, like they normally do at home.

    The difference being that they can't beat up their other halves when drunk in public

  19. #19
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by terry57
    No alcohol what so ever anymore on Thai trains.
    I don't reckon a cheeky trio of award winners will worry the constabulary. I'll risk it.


    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    May i suggest "Thailand by taxi".
    As novel as the idea is, I fear I'd succumb to boredom after the first 30 minutes. Either that or spunk my savings on the taxi driver's catalogue of affordable young flesh.


    Quote Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker
    heres a few pics
    Excellent! Thanks mate. You went first class, you posh bastard!


    Quote Originally Posted by baldrick
    or a coffee table book - thailand by por
    Complete with a series of the great man taking a lau khao slurp in every province. I like this idea. I like it a lot.


    Quote Originally Posted by Shy Guava
    Unfortunately one thing it does not have is a railway station.
    Yes, but let's not get bogged down in the details

  20. #20
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat
    On an overnight train to Nong Khai
    Now it would definitely be best to do this during the day. Don't you think?

  21. #21
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    I slept in 2nd class dorm carriage with the flimsy curtain that separates you from the world......it's an experience, I suppose. Not the best one but it'd been on my bucket list for some time.
    My dad made it all sound romantic, then again when he lived in Thailand it was like....the 70s

  22. #22
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat
    ......it's an experience, I suppose. Not the best one but it'd been on my bucket list for some time.
    A found the experience could be significantly improved with the use of a several gallons of chang and a small punnet of diazepam.

  23. #23
    Thailand Expat
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    Yes, I'm definately a decadent fooker, I did take a wander down the rest of the train just to see if I was missing out on anything , but No , it was just a bunch of gap year koonts wearing elephant pants with funny haircuts . They didn't even have enough nouse to hit the 7 /11 to stock up on the award winners before the train took off and looked thoroughly bored. Daft koonts. My stash of bevvys in my little compartment lasted me until about midnight, I quite like drinking alone sometimes, I could of used a few more because I was entertaining myself quite nicely and grinning like a large dog by then. But sadly the supply was deleted and I conked out on the scratcher, had a bloody good sleep .quite relaxing that clickity clack of the train and the swaying motion. There's a lot to be said for train travel.

  24. #24
    Custom Title Changer
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    Quote Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker
    Or get por to drive the songtaow
    The relatives have promised to send the village's Toyota car down to pick you up, however it turn out to be Por in his "new" tuk-tuk.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    several gallons of chang and a small punnet of diazepam

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