Another day in paradise

[somtamslap]

It was cold and rainy in East Croydon - of course it was. The south London suburb has its own micro climate. It also has its own breed of being - the super chav.

I've chanced upon Burmese peasants masturbating in ditches with more decorum than some of these people. I've seen a gathering of Laotian octogenarians squatting on their haunches pissing by the side of the road with superior social graces. I have walked passed mange-afflicted mutts licking their nuts in a Sakhon Nakhon backwater with a comparable standard of hygiene.

Croydon is, was and ever shall be, a hotbed of unwashed misfits. Misfits who have a predisposition for employing the word 'kunt' in every single grammatically impaired sentence they nasalize.

It was only yesterday whilst en route to the NHS drop-in centre that I passed a gentleman shrouded in a hoodie who was speaking into his mobile phone. Unfortunately I was downwind of his conversation and was subjected to the following slice of dialogue:

"Don't be a kunt, kunt."

This perplexed me. He is telling somebody that he already refers to as 'kunt', not to be a kunt. Give the poor lad a chance, for Pete's sake.

Entering the walk-in centre and I was treated to a bouquet of piss and vomit and shit. And I'm not joking. This place stunk. It was the only doctor's surgery I'd ever been to that smelled like a public toilet. But the place looked clean enough, the floors were washed, the staff offered up a modicum of manners, and treatment rooms appeared plentiful. Therefore, yes, it was the people, the patients who harboured the abominable stench. And after collecting a number and taking a seat I had to alternate a minute of breath-holding with normal breathing in order to acclimatise to the dreadful whiff. I'd never smelt anything like this before, but it wasn't dissimilar to the accumulated sweepings of the elephant enclosure at London zoo.



Why am I here?

I closed my eyes.

It's sunset. I'm sitting on my balcony In Isaan. It overlooks a sprawling pastureland on which dragon fruit and custard apple and corn and papaya trees grow fast and with little nurturing needed. I've just finished my second beer chang of the evening and there's another four in the fridge. Now gathering momentum, my book - John Grisham's Gray Mountain - transpires to be a real page turner and I delight in every single chapter, page, word. Lighting my first cigarette of the day I inhale deeply and relax back on my chair as the final slivers of sunlight disappear behind the horizon. This, for want of a more refined synopsis, is fucking awesome. I consider the ya dong brewing in the kitchen. Perhaps it's ready. Surely it's ready. It's been fermenting for the best part of a month now...





/////

Number 16 please.

Fuck! A thousand time - Fuck!

[thaimeme]

Homesick blues....

[Dillinger]

it wasn't dissimilar to the accumulated sweepings of the elephant enclosure at London zoo.

Why am I here?

jock itch ?

[chassamui]

When an Isaan ditch smells better than the mighty NHS you know you've been away too long.

[beerlaodrinker]

Good to see you are settling in nicely in pommie land slappersmust be a hell of a culture shock for you? Give my love to por

[Dapper]

I've chanced upon Burmese peasants masturbating in ditches with more decorum than some of these people. I've seen a gathering of Laotian octogenarians squatting on their haunches pissing by the side of the road with superior social graces. I have walked passed mange-afflicted mutts licking their nuts in a Sakhon Nakhon backwater with a comparable standard of hygiene.

[jimbobs]

I long to sit on my porch with a good book and a beer
Listen to the kids playing and the relaxing isaan tractors poodle by
It is paradise compared to the UK
If only you could earn a living there it would truly be my utopia
Good luck with whatever your in the hospital for mate

[Neo]

Why am I here?

Free prostate check..?

[thaimeme]

Why am I here?

Free prostate check..?

Free, loh?

Take it when you can get it.

[somtamslap]

Free prostate check..?

Not that far off the mark there actually

When an Isaan ditch smells better than the mighty NHS you know you've been away too long.

Brackish trench water trumps the pungent stench of stale piss all day long

Give my love to por

Will do. He's taking lau khao donations at the moment if anyone cares to grace his palate.

I long to sit on my porch with a good book and a beer
Listen to the kids playing and the relaxing isaan tractors poodle by

Lovely stuff, Jim.

[ShrewedPunter]

I can only imagine what Croydon is like

[blue]

There's a cat killer on the lose there too, probably some cold immigrant making a pimp style fur coat.

Cat Ripper of Croydon
Animal rights activists offer a reward of £5,000 for information leading to the capture of a suspected cat killer in south London.


The killing spree is thought to have accounted for as many as 50 animals.


'Croydon Cat Ripper' May Be Keeping Trophies

[somtamslap]

I can only imagine what Croydon is like

A bit like post-apocalyptic Doncaster I'd imagine - just with more fried chicken shops.

[Conche]

An interesting tale made me chuckle .... thanks ....

think my body clock is still set for the UK 4.15 a, ish .. here and i am bloody wide awake !!!

[somtamslap]

think my body clock is still set for the UK 4.15 a, ish .. here and i am bloody wide awake !!!

Only another hour or so and you can get on with your sunday in the tropics.

I'm just sat here with my polish lager waiting for match of the day to start.

cosmic.

[Chittychangchang]

think my body clock is still set for the UK 4.15 a, ish .. here and i am bloody wide awake !!!

Only another hour or so and you can get on with your sunday in the tropics.

I'm just sat here with my polish lager waiting for match of the day to start.

cosmic.

Don't bother MOTD is shit tonight.

Might be more interesting tomorrow

Outstanding thread Slap, makes me want to leave all my responsibilities and commitments and chill out in the sun of Thailand.

Time for a monster munch pickled onion and cheese sandwich, hoping Hull beat the Gunners in the replay.

[sabang]

Ah, every cloud has a silver lining- the TV is much better over there. Much. And the beer. When do you reckon you might be heading back to Los slappa?

[somtamslap]

Don't bother MOTD is shit tonight.

Tell me about it. Looks like Shanghai Noon will now be my evening's piece de resistance.

Ah, every cloud has a silver lining- the TV is much better over there

Marginally. But I tend to download everything I watch these days, apart from Good Morning Britain - which is shit!

When do you reckon you might be heading back to Los slappa?

A year or so - but a lot depends on the children. They have taken quite a shine to the UK and I'm very happy with the education they get here. Not sure how much international schools cost back in Thailand (our nearest being St Stephens in Khao Yai) but I'm fairly sure it's several grand per term.

[withnallstoke]

I can only imagine what Croydon is like

A bit like post-apocalyptic Doncaster I'd imagine - just with more fried chicken shops.

Doncaster is far superior.

The people there are more Northern.

[Chittychangchang]

I'd post this in the dinner thread only bettyboo might red me..

[somtamslap]

^ Industrial starch-based snack treats go hand in hand with MOTD. I hope you have polish lager to wash it down with.

Doncaster is far superior.

I went to Doncaster on the train once. I didn't get off the train. Doncaster looks fucking soviet.

[DJ Pat]

I visited London in dec 2005 and took the train from Gatwick and changed at East Croydon. I stood on the platform with my luggage, it was cold, damp, surrounded by miserable looking commuters and hadn't slept for about 18hrs ..I was so fucking pissed off ...Croydon is one of the arseholes of the UK

[withnallstoke]

I went to Doncaster on the train once. I didn't get off the train. Doncaster looks fucking soviet.

Doncaster.....





Croydon......





A soviet city......

[Neo]

Doncaster is far superior.

The people there are more Northern.

The women are

[patsycat]

Would a yodeling japanese man with a chicken make you feel better.