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  1. #1
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    What to buy my lesbo niece who just came out...suggestions welcome.

    My niece went mental during a week-end visit. She came out lately, and i hadn't been aware of the situation. (I'm not exactly the sensitive new-age man kind-of-guy.) I have a certain sense of humour with certain situations. I spent years working with ghetto blacks and orthodox jews and i've a right to be just as racist as either of those groups. Chapelle's show was my favourite comedy but frankly for the three or four years i spent working in the projects it was like living IN the Chapelle Show...anyway i digress.

    She's hyper sensitive about race issues for some reason and my brother had asked me to tone down the racial humour. She's the whiny-screamy attention-whore who flies all over the place first class on my brother's flyer miles. We're all on our laptops, typing away and she's whining cos she doesn't have a cover for her new iphone. Then she can't get her new external hard drive working..."Did you install the device driver and format the drive?" More Whinging..."or you want to talk to a Philipinno who can barely speak English?" A shriek like she had been stabbed!!! Then she's running upstairs bawling crying. She's all of 22, mind you, not 13. So, our mother tells me on the qt that she recently came out and the gf is black..."oh fuck's sake - she'll get over it". My mother constantly at me for a whole hour trying to get me to apologise. Eventually, i go up to her room..."get away - you're a horrible person". (muffled voice of my brother trying to calm her down). "You're like dirt underneath my shoes!!!"

    Well fuck me dead...I realised that there was no point in further communication. Eventually, my brother came down and stated she would not discuss "the issue" any further...Fine. My mother is sitting at the breakfast table every morning..."oh - isn't it awful. It's a lifelong sentence". 'Oh bollox - they'll get over it". My mother apparently thinks she's retarded for life. I tell her she's had all the social advantages in life - white, middle class, college educated, her own car even while she was in college etc etc. It goes without saying her Dad had to bring her all over town the next day and buy her every teddy bear and cuddly toy they could find...

    At this point dont' really think that an apology is necessary, not from my side anyway. My brother's been married to a world class cnut all these years and now this...His wife taught them to look down on black people literally since they could walk and that they had a right to demean people just for working for a living. (A workman need not be ashamed - preach brother!!!). When they'd stay at the Marriott, they'd pass by the hotel staff in their uniforms and she'd hold her nose and go "oh - stinky!" So, certainly there's an element of schadenfraude here and it's hard not to have a right fucking good laugh...What goes around comes around as they say in Brooklyn...

    So, what to buy for my newly lesbo niece? Here's what i have so far...
    #1 A pack of Calvin Klein Y-fronts. Dr. Marten boots optional.
    #2 Dave Chapelle's show boxed set of dvd's.
    #3 A trip to Ikea to play hide-and-seek...come out, come out - wherever you are?
    #4 A boxed set of lesbo porn dvd's, where they play eat-the-beaver like they're looking for buried treasure. Would likely end up keeping it for myself mind, it does wonders for my circulation...

    Any ideas?

  2. #2
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  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by buriramboy View Post
    Hey...she DOES love those stripey football jerseys come to think of it...Great idea Buriam.

  4. #4
    Lord of Swine
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    A ticket out of what seems to be a hellish homelife..........

  5. #5
    lom
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paddy Whackery
    So, what to buy for my newly lesbo niece?
    Why should you buy her something?
    From your description of her she deserves to get nothing.

  6. #6
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    I'd buy her a Ken doll.

  7. #7
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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    black bootpolish

  8. #8
    R.I.P.
    patsycat's Avatar
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    a double ended dildo.

  9. #9
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    A plastic bag to put over her head.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paddy Whackery
    she's whining cos she doesn't have a cover for her new iphone
    Bingo...Look no further...

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by patsycat
    a double ended dildo.
    Patsy, you're so practical...

    Made I larf out loud...

  12. #12
    ความสุขในอีสาน
    nigelandjan's Avatar
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    shaving kit

  13. #13
    I am no longer a Hostage

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    Quote Originally Posted by patsycat View Post
    a double ended dildo.
    And make it a personal gift

    Have it molded after yours


    And tell her

  14. #14
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    Thank you for a very interesting real life experience, you are lucky, a niece of My brother won't see Me, because I resemble her Dad.
    My Brother grew up in a foster home.
    Because My Mother rejected him.

  15. #15
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    I have niece in NZ same age as I, she always been a lesbo and quite proud of it in a non flaunting way so what ever floats your boat.

  16. #16
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Get her some fresh parsley to pop in her pants.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke View Post
    Get her some fresh parsley to pop in her pants.
    A goodly basil would work nicely.

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paddy Whackery
    racial humour
    no such thing.

    you say this,

    Quote Originally Posted by Paddy Whackery
    His wife taught them to look down on black people literally since they could walk and that they had a right to demean people just for working for a living.
    but then come out with this ?

    Quote Originally Posted by Paddy Whackery
    "or you want to talk to a Philipinno who can barely speak English?"

    Quote Originally Posted by Paddy Whackery
    I spent years working with ghetto blacks and orthodox jews and i've a right to be just as racist as either of those groups.
    Oh, well, that makes it perfectly acceptable then.

  19. #19
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    install a hidden web cam in her bedloom and link it to TD......please.

  20. #20
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kurgen
    install a hidden web cam in her bedloom and link it to TD......please

  21. #21
    Pedantic bastard
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kurgen View Post
    install a hidden web cam in her bedloom and link it to TD......please.
    ...or maybe not.


  22. #22
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    Some suggestions here.

    10 obvious signs you're a lesbian & how to cure it | gaelick
    How many of those signs make you a definite lesbian? Cos (worryingly), I was able to tick quite a few..... (but I'm not saying which ones)

  23. #23
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    ^I wouldn't worry yer skin, ya wee smurf...

  24. #24
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    I must not read in a hurry. I could have sworn it said "Want to buy my lesbo niece...."

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by patsycat View Post
    a double ended dildo.
    A sensitive guy wouldn't push the innuendo...

    just buy a $100 Starbucks gift card and a dozen batteries for the above device.

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