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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    The new couple in the flat upstairs

    My new neighbours; they're pleasant, courteous, humble, friendly... and fuck like it's going out of fashion.

    This morning I ate my breakfast to the soundtrack of a pair of rutting beasts doing what sounded like severe damage to one another. I turned up Good Morning Briitain with a view to drown out the whole salacious cacophony, but there she was, Susanna Fucking Reid, trying her damnedest to give the nation a collective boner. Everywhere I look or listen people are being fucking filithy.

    Take last night for example. I was in bed, stirring half a teaspoon of sugar into my hot cocoa and revving up a novel for 15 minutes worth of unadulterated reading, when... quelle surpise, they're at it again, Richard and Susan, "harder, harder, HARDER", pummelling the living shat out of each other.

    Never would a yell of "SHUT THE FUCK UP" be more appropriate.

    I am therefore bound, by the fading traces of my sanity, to pen an annonymous note and pop it through their letter box...

    "Dear sordid twats in flat number 65,

    Your unwavering energy and apparent appetite for one another is causing one of your neighbours to slip further into the abyss of acute pyschosis due to a) having sired two recalcitrant infants who like sleeping about as much as you'd like to be ordained into monkhood... and b) you pair of terrible twats who take over the shift once they're a-kip. Now do me a fucking favour and grow the fuck up.

    Many thanks"

    That should do it.
    Last edited by somtamslap; 11-03-2015 at 04:15 AM.

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Never would a yell of "SHUT THE FUCK UP" be more appropriate.
    Why would you wanna do that?...Hell, let them enjoy...You might wanna go knock on their door next time...They might invite you in...

    If not, just wank all over the door...Withnall would...Maybe...

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Your unwavering energy and apparent appetite for one another is causing one of your neighbours to slip further into the abyss of acute pyschosis due to a) having sired two recalcitrant infants who like sleeping about as much as you'd like to be ordained into monkhood... and b) you pair of terrible twats who take over the shift once they're a-kip. Now do me a fucking favour and grow the fuck up.
    Of course, there is this disclaimer...And, rightly so...

  4. #4
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BaitongBoy
    Hell, let them enjoy...
    Oh, I've been a courteous audience for the past fortnight - but their lack of social awareness is seriously beginning to irk me.

    Quote Originally Posted by BaitongBoy
    just wank
    Good idea. I'm gonna have a really loud wank tonight.

  5. #5
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    ^Made I larf...Out loud, I might add...

  6. #6
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    Just record them and burn it to disc, then discretely pop it under their door.

  7. #7
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    I like that idea...

  8. #8
    The cold, wet one
    November Rain's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Never would a yell of "SHUT THE FUCK UP" be more appropriate. I am therefore bound, by the fading traces of my sanity, to pen an annonymous note and pop it through their letter box... "Dear sordid twats in flat number 65, Your unwavering energy and apparent appetite for one another is causing one of your neighbours to slip further into the abyss of acute pyschosis due to a) having sired two recalcitrant infants who like sleeping about as much as you'd like to be ordained into monkhood... and b) you pair of terrible twats who take over the shift once they're a-kip. Now do me a fucking favour and grow the fuck up. Many thanks"
    Slap, hate to break it to you, but you have become Victor Meldrew.



    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I'm gonna have a really loud wank tonight.
    This may be the answer. Or it may reinforce the sad old lonely git idea. Try Plenty of Fish and find yourself a loud partner for the night. No charge for the advice

  9. #9
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    Woman handed Asbo for loud sex sessions after neighbours complained to police 25 times
    By DAILY MAIL REPORTER
    UPDATED: 00:49, 18 April 2009



    Steve and Caroline Cartwright


    View comments

    A woman has been given an Asbo banning her from making too much noise when having sex with her husband.

    Caroline Cartwright was found guilty of breaching a noise abatement notice served on her after 25 complaints to police.

    The 47-year-old denied the latest five charges but was found guilty after Sunderland magistrates listened to recordings of her loud lovemaking with husband Steve.


    Screams: Caroline Cartwright and husband Steve's loud, marathon sex sessions kept their partially deaf neighbour Margery Ball awake at night for two years

    The couple’s partially deaf neighbour Margery Ball said she had not had a decent night’s sleep in two years because of the noise made by the couple.

    As well as being given an Asbo, Mrs Cartwright was yesterday fined £200 with £300 costs.

    She was taken to court after Environmental Health officers placed recording equipment in the flat next door to her house in Concord, Tyne and Wear.
    Her neighbour, Rachel O’Connor, pressed a button on the machine every time she was disturbed by noise from next door.
    She told the court: ‘I heard sounds of a sexual nature, they were really loud, and there was a lot of moaning and groaning and screaming as if in pain.
    ‘It wasn’t just the woman, it came from both parties.’
    Miss O’Connor told the court that when she first moved into the flat, in November 2007, the noise started at midnight and lasted until 3am.
    Now, she said, the noise started at about 6.30am and lasted until 9am.

    Environmental Health officer Pamela Spark told the court she had listened to 23 recordings of the couple having sex.

    She said: ‘There was an excessive screaming female voice on the recordings.’

    Mrs Cartwright told the court that she was not ‘making the noise on purpose’.

    She added: ‘I can’t understand why people ask me to be quiet. It’s normal to me.’

    But chairman of the magistrates Alan Griffins said: ‘You were ordered to refrain from screaming and shouting at such levels when engaging in sexual activity with your husband.

    ‘You could have made efforts to minimise your vocalisation while having sex. You have not shown due respect for other human beings.’

    do your civic duty slap and report the inconsiderate bastards.

  10. #10
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    Sounds like an episode of Thin Blue Line....neigbour complained that his compost heap was bouncing all over his garden as a result of rumpy pumpy in a garden shed....

  11. #11
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Expect a thread soon from slapsneighbours - "the fat wanker down stairs is keeping us awake".

  12. #12
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    Existing in an apartment complex.
    That should be the issue.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by sabang View Post
    Just record them and burn it to disc, then discretely pop it under their door.
    use the recording as the backing track of a DVD showing you wanking yourself silly whilst wearing wellies full of baked beans with some of her underwear on stolen from the washing line

  14. #14
    Love Thailand Carnwadrick's Avatar
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    ^ that's quite an imagination you have

  15. #15
    Thailand Expat Boon Mee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thaimeme View Post
    Existing in an apartment complex.
    That should be the issue.
    With thin walls too.

    Rent must be cheap?

  16. #16
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    Personally, a nice hole drilled through the walls for a camera is in order Slap. Free porn...

  17. #17
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    Jezus Just the picture of that fat titted slag is enough to deflate my willy,

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Originally Posted by BaitongBoy
    just wank
    Good idea. I'm gonna have a really loud wank tonight.
    I think you missed the point..


    Quote Originally Posted by BaitongBoy
    If not, just wank all over the door
    Over their door.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I'm gonna have a really loud wank tonight.
    Is there any other type?

  20. #20
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    ^Been done already...

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kurgen
    with some of her underwear on stolen from the washing line
    To take this one step further.

    Borrow some of her clothes, from the aforesaid washing line. Purloin a wig the same style and colour as the wanton wench. Hire a "lady" for a silent video shoot and splice the prerecorded audio from a session by the offenders upstairs. Post the movie through the letter box with a demand that payment will be accepted in kind from the wench upstairs. Include a small bottle of Lau Kao to get her in the mood, Nam Pla laced plate of Pad Kapow Moo and bring back happy Thai scent memories.
    A tray full of GOLD is not worth a moment in time.

  22. #22
    ความสุขในอีสาน
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    Quote Originally Posted by peterpan
    Jezus Just the picture of that fat titted slag is enough to deflate my willy,
    Just as a point of interest Pete ,, how many tablets did it take to get it inflated this morning ?

  23. #23
    ความสุขในอีสาน
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    Is he a member on TD Slap ?

    sounds like he is doing his bit for Britain ,, it is spring time mate ,, cut him a bit of slack mate

  24. #24
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by November Rain
    Try Plenty of Fish and find yourself a loud partner for the night.
    My mrs and kids would love that!

    Quote Originally Posted by nigelandjan
    it is spring time mate
    It certainly is, nigel. In their bloody matress.

    All quiet at the moment. But I fear Richard is recharging his bollocks.

  25. #25
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    What does she look like?

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