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  1. #1
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    You Might Be A Buffalo If...

    This was something I penned off and Stickman put up on his site for me a good few years back;


    In the vein of the American comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s stand up routine called “You Might Be a Redneck” I’m working on a routine geared towards foreigners living here called “You might be a buffalo”. I’ve also got it almost down in the Thai language too, so I can give the routine to a Thai audience as well.

    It goes sorta like this:
    • If, your Thai partner’s mother is closer to your age than your partner is; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you’ve EVER said, “Yeah, but she’s different”, to anyone about your Thai g/f; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you have children from a previous marriage older than your Thai partner; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you’ve ever told another foreigner “we” bought some land or “we” built a house here; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you give your Thai partner or her mother a “monthly salary”; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you tell people your Thai partner doesn’t work because she’s “too busy taking care of you”; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If you bought a pick-up truck but your Thai partner can’t drive; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you have half-thai children and you push the baby carriage when you go out; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If you tell people you don’t learn Thai because your Thai partner speaks engrish good; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If you paid for English classes for your Thai partner but she quit because it “wasn’t fun”; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, when you introduce your Thai partner, you open with; “I didn’t meet her in a bar”; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you wear any type of Thai “good luck” charm or gold; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you have your own named tattooed in Thai on yourself; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you’re afraid to take off the “mop string” tied on your wrist by a monk; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you’ve ever referred to yourself or another white person as a “falang” with that lazy r/l switch Thais use; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If you've ever wai'd another foreigner in this country; "you might be a buffalo".
    • If, you think wearin’ a Chang beer singlet, cargo shorts and sandals are dress clothes; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, when you go to the mall, the first thing you go look at is the Food Court; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you refer to the dog-n-pony show up-country party as a “wedding”; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you think putting ice in beer is okay; “you might be buffalo”.
    • If, you think the term พุงพลุ้ย (pung plúi) is a compliment (but you pronounce it as PumPui); “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you use the words “open/close” when talkin’ about turning something on or off; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you communicate with your Thai partner in “baby talk engrish” like “we go” or “you want”; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you’ve ever told another foreigner, “You don’t understand Thai culture”; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you paid sin-sot for a “second hand” Thai partner; as in one who has children from a previous relationship; “you might be a “buffalo”.
    • If, you paid sin-sot which wasn’t returned to you immediately after the ceremony; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If, you paid sin-sot for a Thai who didn’t finish 6th grade; “you might be a buffalo”.
    • If you married a dark skinned, flat nosed, splayed toed, dumb rice farmer’s daughter from Nakhon Nowhere, well, I’ve got no words to describe you..
    And finally;
    • If, you say you can’t learn Thai because; you’re not good with languages, you’re too old, you can’t hear the tones, or you don’t have the time; you’re most definitely a “buffalo”.
    As you can see many of these are in somewhat poor taste, and poke fun at the “mindless foreign wanna-b-thai sock-puppets” I see wandering around here every day with their dark, overweight, gold encrusted “thai-in-tow” waddling along.

    I am truly sorry if you fall into any of the above categories because sadly (for you), you might be a “buffalo”. Hey don’t feel too bad. I doubt you can speak or understand more than a couple Thai words at the best of times. At least that way, you’re spared finding out what the Thais really think about you and the “young enough to be your daughter” Thai significant other you walk hand in hand with.

    Please don’t get me wrong, I like Thai women. I’m just not attracted to dumb dark hillbillies no matter what country they come from. I’ve also met more than my fair share of older Thai guys, and NOT ONE of them has a Thai wife half his age. Now, to be fair, more than a few have a mia-noi or two on the side, however I don’t see them parading around smilin’ like the cat that ate the canary hand-in-hand with ‘em.

    Still, at the end of the day, as long as you believe you’re happy, who am I to piss in your iced Chang beer? If you buy into the pile ‘o crap being spoon fed you by your Thai significant other or her extended family, I mean, man, more power to you. Just don’t look to me for validation, EVER...

    While Thais use the term “buffalo” to be derogatory, in all my travels, I’ve seen some pretty darned smart buffaloes up-country. Patiently waiting by the gate in the morning to go work in the rice field, walking sedately being led by their nose by their owners comin’ back in the afternoon, meandering here and there when they weren’t working.

    Oh, sorry I forgot; was I talking about foreigners married to Thais or water buffaloes?

    What's your "buffalo score"?
    "Whoever said `Money can`t buy you love or joy` obviously was not making enough money." <- quote by Gene $immon$ of the rock group KISS

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat Pragmatic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toddaniels
    If, you say you can’t learn Thai because; you’re not good with languages, you’re too old, you can’t hear the tones
    I'll put my hands up to all 3.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by toddaniels
    If you married a dark skinned, flat nosed, splayed toed, dumb rice farmer’s daughter from Nakhon Nowhere, well, I’ve got no words to describe you..
    how does that one go down with the Thai set?

  4. #4
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    You missed one,


    If you regularly read stickman or have ever had a readers' letter or article published you’re most definitely a “buffalo”.

  5. #5
    Lord of Swine
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    If you proudly display that you like KISS,, there is no "might be" about it, you're a retard.
    If you constantly post flaunting your ability to speak Thai in an obnoxious and insulting manner, you're an American retard.

  6. #6
    The Pikey Hunter
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    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly
    had a readers' letter or article published you’re most definitely a “cnut”.
    FTFY.

  7. #7
    Thailand Expat Pragmatic's Avatar
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    Batten down the hatches Tod.

  8. #8
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    I thought it was pretty good, I may be a buffalo, but see myself as more of a bison, independent buffalo.
    Time for a Leo with ice.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by toddaniels View Post
    What if your partners Lao? same same but different nah.
    alright i,ll play



    • If, your Lao partner’s mother is closer to your age than your partner is; “you might be a buffalo”. YEP IM A bUFFALO
    • If, you’ve EVER said, “Yeah, but she’s different”, to anyone about your LAO g/f; “you might be a buffalo”.NEVER
    • If, you have children from a previous marriage older than your Thai partner; “you might be a buffalo”.NOPE
    • If, you’ve ever told another foreigner “we” bought some land or “we” built a house here; “you might be a buffalo”."WE"BOUGHT ONE
    • If, you give your LAO partner or her mother a “monthly salary”; “you might be a buffalo”.HER MUM GETS A XMAS CARD IF I REMEMBER, SHE GETS A MONTHLY SALARY
    • If, you tell people your LAO partner doesn’t work because she’s “too busy taking care of you”; “you might be a buffalo”.I NEED A LOT OF TAKING CARE OF
    • If you bought a pick-up truck but your LAO partner can’t drive; “you might be a buffalo”.SHE DRIVES WELL ( NO WORSE THAN THE OTHER CUNTS ON THE ROAD ANYWAY
    • If, you have half-LAO children and you push the baby carriage when you go out; “you might be a buffalo”.NOPE NEVER HAPPENED
    • If you tell people you don’t learn LAO because your LAO partner speaks engrish good; “you might be a buffalo”.SHE CAN SPEAK ENGRISH BETTER THAN ME , I CANT SPEAK LAO COZ IM PERPETUALLY PISSED
    • If you paid for English classes for your LAO partner but she quit because it “wasn’t fun”; “you might be a buffalo”.SHE CAME WITH THE FULL ENGLISH SPEAKING PACKAGE
    • If, when you introduce your LAO partner, you open with; “I didn’t meet her in a bar”; “you might be a buffalo”.I DIDNT MEEET HER IN A BAR
    • If, you wear any type of LAO “good luck” charm or gold; “you might be a buffalo”.JUST THE WEDDING RING
    • If, you have your own named tattooed in LAO on yourself; “you might be a buffalo”.IM A BUFFALO
    • If, you’re afraid to take off the “mop string” tied on your wrist by a monk; “you might be a buffalo”.LONG GONE
    • If, you’ve ever referred to yourself or another white person as a “falang” with that lazy r/l switch LAOS use; “you might be a buffalo”.NEVER
    • If you've ever wai'd another foreigner in this country; "you might be a buffalo".IT WONT HAPPEN
    • If, you think wearin’ a Chang beer singlet, cargo shorts and sandals are dress clothes; “you might be a buffalo”.WHATS WRONG WITH THAT?
    • If, when you go to the mall, the first thing you go look at is the Food Court; “you might be a buffalo”.WHAT FUCKIN MALL, I WISH
    • If, you refer to the dog-n-pony show up-country party as a “wedding”; “you might be a buffalo”.THE LAST OE I WENT TO WAS MINE
    • If, you think putting ice in beer is okay; “you might be buffalo”.ITS NOT OK, BUT ITS SOMETIMES NECESSARY
    • If, you think the term พุงพลุ้ย (pung plúi) is a compliment (but you pronounce it as PumPui); “you might be a buffalo”.IM A SKINNY KUNT SO THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO ME
    • If, you use the words “open/close” when talkin’ about turning something on or off; “you might be a buffalo”.THAT ONE HITS A BIT CLOSE TO HOME
    • If, you communicate with your LAO partner in “baby talk engrish” like “we go” or “you want”; “you might be a buffalo”.ONLY WHEN IM PISSED
    • If, you’ve ever told another foreigner, “You don’t understand LAO culture”; “you might be a buffalo”.I DONT, BUT I KEEP IT TO MYSELF
    • If, you paid sin-sot for a “second hand” LAO partner; as in one who has children from a previous relationship; “you might be a “buffalo”.NO SIN SOT ,NEITHER OF US HAD KIDS PREVIOUS OR AT LEAST NONE I KNOW OF
    • If, you paid sin-sot which wasn’t returned to you immediately after the ceremony; “you might be a buffalo”. SEE ABOVE
    • If, you paid sin-sot for a LAO who didn’t finish 6th grade; “you might be a buffalo”.SEE ABOVE
    • If you married a dark skinned, flat nosed, splayed toed, dumb rice farmer’s daughter from Nakhon Nowhere, well, I’ve got no words to describe you..
    • THE ONLY THING SHE KNOWS ABOUT RICE IS HOW TO EAT IT

    And finally;
    • If, you say you can’t learn LAO because; you’re not good with languages, you’re too old, you can’t hear the tones, or you don’t have the time; you’re most definitely a “buffalo”.IM NOT GOOD WITH LANGUAGES, BUT CAN SPEAK A SORT OF HALF ASSED LAO
    As you can see many of these are in somewhat poor taste, and poke fun at the “mindless foreign wanna-b-thai sock-puppets” I see wandering around here every day with their dark, overweight, gold encrusted “thai-in-tow” waddling along.

    I am truly sorry if you fall into any of the above categories because sadly (for you), you might be a “buffalo”. Hey don’t feel too bad. I doubt you can speak or understand more than a couple Thai words at the best of times. At least that way, you’re spared finding out what the Thais really think about you and the “young enough to be your daughter” Thai significant other you walk hand in hand with.

    Please don’t get me wrong, I like Thai women. I’m just not attracted to dumb dark hillbillies no matter what country they come from. I’ve also met more than my fair share of older Thai guys, and NOT ONE of them has a Thai wife half his age. Now, to be fair, more than a few have a mia-noi or two on the side, however I don’t see them parading around smilin’ like the cat that ate the canary hand-in-hand with ‘em.

    Still, at the end of the day, as long as you believe you’re happy, who am I to piss in your iced Chang beer? If you buy into the pile ‘o crap being spoon fed you by your Thai significant other or her extended family, I mean, man, more power to you. Just don’t look to me for validation, EVER...

    While Thais use the term “buffalo” to be derogatory, in all my travels, I’ve seen some pretty darned smart buffaloes up-country. Patiently waiting by the gate in the morning to go work in the rice field, walking sedately being led by their nose by their owners comin’ back in the afternoon, meandering here and there when they weren’t working.

    Oh, sorry I forgot; was I talking about foreigners married to Thais or water buffaloes?

    What's your "buffalo score"?
    WOULDNT CHANGE IT TODD, i know your just taking the piss mate but they arent all issan mattress warriors with splayed toes and a flat nose, whatever, just dont piss in my iced beerlao

  10. #10
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    Now now, boyz...

    "Necron99", "kingwilly"; Are you guyz casting dispersions err aspersions at me?

    Easy now, I resemble those remarks!

    Factor in that was written quite a few years back, before I became the "kinder, gentler Tod Daniels" I am today...

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly View Post
    You missed one,


    If you regularly read stickman or have ever had a readers' letter or article published you’re most definitely a “buffalo”.
    Indeed...
    But buffalo is too nice.

  12. #12
    I am in Jail

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    Quote Originally Posted by toddaniels View Post
    [*]If, you’ve EVER said, “Yeah, but she’s different”, to anyone about your Thai g/f; “you might be a buffalo”.[/LIST][LIST]
    ?
    Todd, do you have a Thai partner and is she different to all the others ?

  13. #13
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    Not sure about a buffalo, but I don't mind being an ox.

    The Ten Oxherding pictures

  14. #14
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    Nice set of expat truisms there Tod. I reckon most of us could admit (to ourselves) to a few of those in our time here.
    Except for psuedolus and the Gent of course.
    A good laugh and proves we must never take ourselves too seriously.

  15. #15
    I am in Jail

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    Quote Originally Posted by toddaniels
    as long as you believe you’re happy, who am I to piss in your iced Chang beer?
    Mmm, the bloke who spent several hours writing that, desperately trying to piss in people's iced Chang beer.

    Quote Originally Posted by toddaniels
    Just don’t look to me for validation, EVER...
    Who has ever looked to you for validation Tod?

    Quote Originally Posted by chassamui
    Except for psuedolus and the Gent of course.
    Taxexile and Marmite the dog need to go on that list as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by chassamui
    A good laugh and proves we must never take ourselves too seriously.
    Yes and no. If it was written as a bit of fun and included some self deprecating humour it would have been. As it was written as a "I'm so much better than everybody else and this belief occupies most of my waking thoughts" kind of way, then not so much.

  16. #16
    Custom Title Changer
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    What if you don't have a Thai significant other? Does this mean none of this applies to me?

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    iced beed ?

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by toddaniels
    As you can see many of these are in somewhat poor taste, and poke fun at the “mindless foreign wanna-b-thai sock-puppets” I see wandering around here every day
    Answer these questions please Todd, so the viewers know you are taking the piss....

    Do you spend your working life voluntarily interpreting to chicken heads you detest in a bureaucracy you loathe

    Do you live alone in some hovel with 2 cats, which you refer to as your Thai pussy?

    Are you above 55 years of age and still wear AC/DC t shirts ?

    'Just a stab in the dark like


    Last edited by Dillinger; 26-10-2014 at 07:15 PM.

  19. #19
    Hansum Man! panama hat's Avatar
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    Lighten up . . . it's a bit of fun . . . unless it's close to the truth for some/many


    Quote Originally Posted by CSFFan
    What if you don't have a Thai significant other? Does this mean none of this applies to me?
    Egads, you and I have something in common . . . Yes, it doesn't apply

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fozzy
    Yes and no. If it was written as a bit of fun and included some self deprecating humour it would have been. As it was written as a "I'm so much better than everybody else and this belief occupies most of my waking thoughts" kind of way, then not so much.
    This is the problem with written communication. I can see how you may have arrived at your interpretation, but it's clearly not the same as mine.
    I think we just picture a completely different bloke when we see his posts. Not looking for a fight, just saying how I see it.
    Heart of Gold and a Knob of butter.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by toddaniels
    In the vein of the American comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s stand up routine called “You Might Be a Redneck” I’m working on a routine geared towards foreigners living here called “You might be a buffalo”. I’ve also got it almost down in the Thai language too, so I can give the routine to a Thai audience as well.
    Presumably if you adapt this for a Thai audience the tag line changes from "you might be a buffalo" to "you might just have hooked a rich farang"

  22. #22
    Member ChookRaffle Jones's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toddaniels
    If, you think the term พุงพลุ้ย (pung plúi) is a compliment (but you pronounce it as PumPui); “you might be a buffalo”.
    perhaps this one but I am skinnier now.

    ride him cowboy !!!


  23. #23
    I am in Jail

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    Quote Originally Posted by chassamui View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Fozzy
    Yes and no. If it was written as a bit of fun and included some self deprecating humour it would have been. As it was written as a "I'm so much better than everybody else and this belief occupies most of my waking thoughts" kind of way, then not so much.
    This is the problem with written communication. I can see how you may have arrived at your interpretation, but it's clearly not the same as mine.
    I think we just picture a completely different bloke when we see his posts. Not looking for a fight, just saying how I see it.
    Yes it's all to easy for the same words to be construed very differently by different people.

    My opinion was based on many other posts by him. Not a fan of his attitude personally. Everyone's a loser except him and nobody knows anything about Thais or Thailand except him. How he lives in Thailand is the only right way to live in Thailand etc etc. There's a couple like him on TD.

  24. #24
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    Come on , the bloke was only takin the piss. I Find his posts informative, he,s probably put a lot of effort into honing his thai language skills, good on him.

  25. #25
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    If you lived in a suburban town anywhere in the US, but still owned 29 weapons because "it was my hobby " then you are probably a buffalo.

    If you still meet with Democrats in a bar in Sukhumvit before the primaries then you are probably a buffalo.

    If you pour white sauce over your breakfast, then you are probably a buffalo.

    If you search for a bar to watch a minority sport proclaimed as a World Series in Nakhon Nowhere, then you are probably a buffalo.

    If you " party " with whores and talk in cliches all night with lots of whooping,then you are probably a buffalo.

    If you complain about taxes in Little Rock and the cost of health care while drinking in Soi Cowboy then you are probably a buffalo.

    if you spend your time every week sampling hamburgers in every fast food joint that has just opened in Bangkok, Chiang Mai etc., etc., then you are probably a buffalo.

    Oops, nearly forgot. If you end your plurals with 'z' because you think it lends a certain zippiness to your literary style, then you are probably a buffalo.

    Har, har.

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