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  1. #1
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    Can't pull in England? Buy a Thai girl, he told me

    Can't pull in England? Buy a Thai girl, he told me
    Jeremy Clarke
    20 April 2013


    ‘You should go to Thailand,’ he said finally. ‘The birds are different over there.’


    On Sunday morning early I was trying to hitch a ride home. A big white Mercedes van came haring around the bend. I stuck out my thumb and it swerved violently and stopped beside me. ‘A good night, then, was it?’ said the driver as I collapsed into the passenger seat. A comedian. Young fella. Wide awake. Chewing gum. Loving the life. It must have been my glassy eyes and my crumpled, slept-in jacket that gave me away. I had a think. Not bad, I said. I listed the names of the pubs and the two clubs we’d been to. ‘So did you pull?’ he said.

    Pardon? I said. ‘Pull. Last night. Did you get hold of anything?’ he said. It’s true, I told him, that it would have been nice not to have frozen half to death in the foetal position on a pal’s tiny sofa with a tea towel for a duvet, and been invited instead into a warm and spacious bed. But as usual I was not an attractive proposition as a prize to be carried off into the night for a one-night stand. So no, I said. I didn’t pull.

    He shot me this look of a disappointed mentor. I’d badly let him down. ‘There were a few spares knocking about though, surely?’ he said, needing to understand fully and allow for any mitigating circumstances. There were indeed a good many ‘spares’, I said, thinking back. Especially at the clubs. You couldn’t move for them. We hadn’t seen anything like it for a long time. I was often the only bloke on a dance floor packed out as far as the eye could see with groups of grooving ladies. I was moving from one group to the next to give as many as possible the benefit of seeing my moves at close hand, I said.

    His lively face was turned avidly towards mine more often than it was towards the road ahead. ‘And?’ he said. ‘You’re telling me you didn’t score?’ ‘It didn’t even occur to me to try,’ I said. ‘I was so drunk I couldn’t speak, one. Two, I’ve never been one for charades. And three, they were laughing at me, as if to say, “Look out, sisters, here comes the oldest swinger in town — and just look at the state of it!”’


    ‘You buy some, then 20 minutes later you feel you want to buy some more.’

    He was powering his tall van through the lanes, leaning his body into the curves, really driving the thing. But on hearing this, he slumped wearily forward, rested both elbows on his steering wheel, and shook his head in despair, Then he revived himself just in time to take a sharp right-hander. Like I say, a comedian. After that he brooded and we rattled along without speaking. ‘You should go to Thailand,’ he said finally. ‘The birds are different over there.’ ‘Different?’ I said. ‘How’s that?’ ‘Ever been?’ he said. I shook my head. ‘Oh, mate,’ he said, anguished.

    Then he fell silent again, momentarily lost in a private fantasy. His Thailand experiences were obviously so rich and varied he hardly knew where to begin. Nor could he quite put his finger on that particular aspect of Thai women that made them so very different from our English ones. ‘They’re just different, that’s all,’ he explained. ‘They don’t muck about.’ And they don’t cost much? I said, happy to show I was not entirely ignorant about the subject. ‘Yeah, yeah, you buy them,’ he said. ‘Where don’t you? But I don’t mean that. What I mean is. Here.’

    He reached out for his iPhone and driving with one hand he pulled up his camera roll and flicked through it with his thumb. Then he leaned across and showed me a picture of very young loveliness smiling warmly and openly for the camera. ‘I bought that one off her parents last year for 15 hundred quid. Nice boobs, eh?’ he said. There was absolutely no denying it. ‘Ripsnorters,’ I said. ‘I had those put in,’ he said. ‘Five hundred quid the pair. What a little darling. She adores me.’

    ‘That’s quite an investment,’ I said. ‘Do you think you’ll marry her? Get an import licence and have her crated up and forwarded? Here you go, this is me,’ I added, for we’d arrived already at the turning where I got out. He slammed on the anchors. As I searched for the door handle, I noticed that he was now looking at me with a new, almost pleading seriousness that wasn’t nearly as becoming as his previous archness. I thought at first it was a variation on his comedian’s repertoire, but it wasn’t: I must have touched a nerve. ‘Do you know what, mate?’ he said. I braced myself for his big confession. ‘It’s something to think about.’ I jumped out, slammed the door and set off down the lane. I felt terrible, really terrible.

    This article first appeared in the print edition of The Spectator magazine, dated 20 April 2013

    spectator.co.uk

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat
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    Not many stereotypes in that tripe.

  3. #3
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    as naive and stereotypical as a stacey dooley expose

  4. #4
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mid
    This article first appeared in the print edition of The Spectator magazine, dated 20 April 2013
    Quite sure I read this a year or two ago.

  5. #5
    The cold, wet one
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shrinking Violet
    as naive and stereotypical as a stacey dooley expose
    That bloody stupid bint is back on tv tonight. Stag nights in Prague - seemingly there are brothels! Shock! Horror! If there's any one who should have been shot, drowned & strangled at birth (better sure than sorry) it's this defender of the righteous

  6. #6
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    but, but, but the "girls" in that picture above are all men.

  7. #7
    The cold, wet one
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thormaturge
    but, but, but the "girls" in that picture above are all men.
    No, they're ladyboys/katoeys. That is not male, but an endangered and rare species to be sampled by the likes of Flutters and Socal and not to be mentioned by the rest of us

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by November Rain View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Shrinking Violet
    as naive and stereotypical as a stacey dooley expose
    That bloody stupid bint is back on tv tonight. Stag nights in Prague - seemingly there are brothels! Shock! Horror! If there's any one who should have been shot, drowned & strangled at birth (better sure than sorry) it's this defender of the righteous
    hehe. for some inexplicable reason she seems to be the beeb's current expose journo of choice. christ she's done about 3 programmes about thailand in the last year or so. and yet rarely critics attack her for her sheer naivety and stating the bleedin obvious. the times today praised her for her sheer enthusiasm. the best one was the one about sea gypos in the andaman - she actually thought she would get a 1:1 with Abishit!
    Purple Monkey Dish-Washer

  9. #9
    Thailand Expat KEVIN2008's Avatar
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    Some people live upside down. They like to talk out their ass and the only thing that comes out of their mouths is shit.

  10. #10
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    Stacey writes some real crap but that's what the punters want, they want to read how the sex pats come to grief.

    How they end up losing their,money to Asian tarts because it gives the folks back home in Grimey land (UK) some thrills, "I told him it would end up like this".
    People like Stacey are no better than the tarts they write about, they are catering for a basic human need.
    There canít be good living where there is not good drinking

  11. #11
    Thailand Expat KEVIN2008's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by peterpan View Post
    Stacey writes some real crap but that's what the punters want, they want to read how the sex pats come to grief.

    How they end up losing their,money to Asian tarts because it gives the folks back home in Grimey land (UK) some thrills, "I told him it would end up like this".
    People like Stacey are no better than the tarts they write about, they are catering for a basic human need.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by peterpan
    because it gives the folks back home in Grimey land (UK) some thrills
    why on earth did you need to put that UK in?

  13. #13
    Thailand Expat Boon Mee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DrAndy View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by peterpan
    because it gives the folks back home in Grimey land (UK) some thrills
    why on earth did you need to put that UK in?
    Does that include Wales too?

    ...just askin', like...

  14. #14
    Thailand Expat
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    Well to be honest I put UK there because I still think of the place being a grime shit hole Witch was was when I was lad, and I know things have changed in recent years.
    40 years ago It was a bit dirty, and the residents now tend to bathe more often.
    I can tell you its only a recent innovation.

  15. #15
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    I wonder what GB Shaw would have had to say?

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by November Rain View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Thormaturge
    but, but, but the "girls" in that picture above are all men.
    No, they're ladyboys/katoeys. That is not male, but an endangered and rare species to be sampled by the likes of Flutters and Socal and not to be mentioned by the rest of us
    Not exactly rare and endangered now. Seems like there must be some sort of "farm" upcountry producing these freaks by the truckload.?

    Used to be when you asked kids what they wanted to be when they grew up, they'd reply with a specific career choice, not a fecking gender..

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by good2bhappy
    I wonder what GB Shaw would have had to say?

    I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

  18. #18
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by peterpan View Post
    Stacey writes some real crap but that's what the punters want, they want to read how the sex pats come to grief.
    Stacey is there purely to cater for the GQ/FHM lads mag masturbators. Wobbling breasts and a tight arse are not what a real investigative journo make. Julia Bradbury used to be the same until she had a child and spoiled it all.


    Maybe that guy pulled the horse faced katoey on the laft of that pic and is kidding himself.

  19. #19
    The cold, wet one
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat
    Wobbling breasts and a tight arse
    You fancy Stacey Dooley? You really are weird, Pat.

  20. #20
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    ^Just cos she's not Thai no need to get all angry. Not all farang women are fat like most Thailand sexpats keep saying. Thai girls aren't the be all and end all of everything

  21. #21
    The cold, wet one
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    ^ Nowt to do with that. More the fact she looks like a horse and sounds like nails down a blackboard

  22. #22
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    She has got a peculiar voice, but have to admit she is faintly attractive.

  23. #23
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    agreed in a strange way. she is ever-so-princess anne horsey but she has the kind of face you could spunk over

  24. #24
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    I came all over her face

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat View Post
    ^Just cos she's not Thai no need to get all angry. Not all farang women are fat like most Thailand sexpats keep saying. Thai girls aren't the be all and end all of everything
    They are pretty fucking good though....

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