Thread: The art of Bum Gunnery.

Now before you less than manly types who like to dance the chocolate cha-cha make any lewd or lascivious suggestions, I should make it known that I am seeking serious instructions on the correct ablutionary usage of a "bum gum".
After many trips around Asia and countless more trips to asian toilets, the finer points of bum gunnery continue to elude me, causing much mirth and merriment for the Dragon Lady and never-ending embarressment for myself.
To help remedy this messy situation I am seeking tips regarding the correct angle of the gun, the proximity of the gun to the affected area,should the gun be kept steady or maybe waggled about, what is the correct pressure required to affect a satisfactory result and maybe some discussion about benefits of tackling the problem head on or from behind.
Any and indeed all educated suggestions will be taken on board and given serious consideration.

there is a reason why the right hand is severed from thieves ..............

Fire hose pressure squarely up your pop chute is the only way to go.

Well it would depend if you are seated or squatting I think. I never really thought about it as Nike would say I Just Doo It.

1) Slip the thin end of the gun into the hole. Waggling is optional dependent on size of gun/hole.

2) Squirt a lot.

3) Use toilet roll to wipe the smile off ones face.

I don't get the bum gun.
You end up with a wet arse. Must be bloody uncomfortable when you pull up your daks.

Originally Posted by withnallstoke

1) Slip the thin end of the gun into the hole. Waggling is optional dependent on size of gun/hole.

2) Squirt a lot.

3) Use toilet roll to wipe the smile off ones face.

Surely insertion would be optional and not compulsary?

Originally Posted by alwarner

Ahhh the blessed botty hose. The 8th wonder of the world. There is nothing quite so pleasant as a squeaky clean ring piece, it puts a spring in ones step knowing without exception that there will be no skid marks in attendance today.

I bet Koojo doesn't use one though for fear of catching "poof"

A reduction of skiddies in the undergrollies would certainly put a smile on Dragon Lady's face.

^^hmmm I tend to lean forward and to the left putting my weight onto the ball of my left foot; raising my right buttock so that my right hand can wield the implement and score a direct hit on the bomb bay doors. My method can be slightly uncomfortable if you forget to test the water pressure in an unfamiliar bathroom and you can end up semi colonically irrigated, which is quite a different experience altogether.

Originally Posted by alwarner

I bet Koojo doesn't use one though for fear of catching "poof"

Actually they're not used around here but when in regions where they are used I still don't because I don't want to walk around with sopping wet undies.
I also think good TP with a bit of tread does an acceptable job.

Originally Posted by taxexile

if, on turtle egress, your ringpiece is not crimping the turtles head neatly, you will be left with unavoidable fecal smearage around the prolapsing haemorrhoids, boils, sores and untrimmed curly hairs that undoubtedly blight the rectal area of most posters here.

Physics would suggest that the aforementioned smearage could only be caused by the attendance of a foreign article such as tissue and a combination of pressure and hand movement.

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by alwarner

I bet Koojo doesn't use one though for fear of catching "poof"

Actually they're not used around here but when in regions where they are used I still don't because I don't want to walk around with sopping wet undies.
I also think good TP with a bit of tread does an acceptable job.

lol

As with most things, it's all in the wrist.

Originally Posted by crocman

Originally Posted by taxexile

if, on turtle egress, your ringpiece is not crimping the turtles head neatly, you will be left with unavoidable fecal smearage around the prolapsing haemorrhoids, boils, sores and untrimmed curly hairs that undoubtedly blight the rectal area of most posters here.

Physics would suggest that the aforementioned smearage could only be caused by the attendance of a foreign article such as tissue and a combination of pressure and hand movement.

on egress, as the stool glides past the haemorrhoid, boil, pustule or hair it will leave some residue.
this residue will then be dispersed randomly by the spray.

it is the extra-rectal detritus itself acting as the foreign article in this situation. no need for tissues or hand movement.

but that may come later during mopping up operations, and thats another thread entirely.

Originally Posted by Koojo

I also think good TP with a bit of tread does an acceptable job.

Think of it this way.

If someone took a steaming dump on your table would you simply wipe it up with paper or give it a good wash down with some water?

Originally Posted by Koojo

I don't get the bum gun. You end up with a wet arse. Must be bloody uncomfortable when you pull up your daks.

That's what the papers for!

Originally Posted by taxexile

Originally Posted by crocman

Originally Posted by taxexile

if, on turtle egress, your ringpiece is not crimping the turtles head neatly, you will be left with unavoidable fecal smearage around the prolapsing haemorrhoids, boils, sores and untrimmed curly hairs that undoubtedly blight the rectal area of most posters here.

Physics would suggest that the aforementioned smearage could only be caused by the attendance of a foreign article such as tissue and a combination of pressure and hand movement.

on egress, as the stool glides past the haemorrhoid, boil, pustule or hair it will leave some residue.
this residue will then be dispersed randomly by the spray.

it is the extra-rectal detritus itself acting as the foreign article in this situation. no need for tissues or hand movement.

but that may come later during mopping up operations, and thats another thread entirely.

I truly had no idea in of the complexities involved in solving the mysteries of the bum gun and feel shamed by the innocence of my original enquiry

feel shamed by the innocence

the thais with their squeaky clean bumholes and skid mark free undergarments are an object lesson in advanced personal hygeine.

western civilization has much to learn.

^^Yep, the vid reiterated my point in a nicer way.

But for the record, when a dump hits the bowl and it splashes the water back onto your butt, it's technically called the "Neptunes Kiss" not a "Bellyflopper"!?!!?!

Originally Posted by taxexile

best to start off gently with an anterior approach, using the left hand to carefully raise ones tackle out of the way of the spray.

One for the front.

Originally Posted by alwarner

^^hmmm I tend to lean forward and to the left putting my weight onto the ball of my left foot; raising my right buttock so that my right hand can wield the implement and score a direct hit on the bomb bay doors. My method can be slightly uncomfortable if you forget to test the water pressure in an unfamiliar bathroom and you can end up semi colonically irrigated, which is quite a different experience altogether.

And one for the back.
Which approach is best?

A bumgun is Thailand's gift to the world of hygiene. Wish they were plentiful in Oz and other less advanced Western countries. Oh joy! No more embarrassing skidmarks for the laundry person to shake her pretty head knowingly.

If you PM Kwang he claims he hasn't bought bog roll for 4 years now

Originally Posted by nigelandjan

If you PM Kwang he claims he hasn't bought bog roll for 4 years now

I bet the newsprint leaves streaks on his arse.