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  1. #1
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    What I DIDN'T do in Thailand

    I've banged on about all the things I did in Thailand in my years there, as anyone who knows me on this forum will know that I achieved minor notoriety in some of the activities I excelled in whilst in the Land of Smiles. Some things I missed out on, tales from fellow ajarns and expats telling me amazing acts of humanity they did or brilliant places they went to. Let me bore you with a few things I never got round to doing.

    Volunteering with the hilltribes up north.


    It seems that hilltribes have invaded the tourist spots and are raking in good money selling their wooden frogs, wire bracelets and phallic carvings whilst generally getting in the way on the sidewalks.

    Wooden frogs: A form of welfare for hilltribes?

    So why the heck would I need to volunteer helping them make even more cash? What use would I be? I'm sure they already have their expert carpenters on contracts working their asses off in sweatshops up in the hills, and as they seem more than capable of catching grubs, rodents and picking mushrooms for their village feasts, they'd hardly need me to over-season their morning porridge. I'll happily leave this assignment to the clueless gap-year students who think they are doing their bit for world peace by patronising these nouveax-rich tribal types. As long as there are gullible tourists, these tribes will continue to pull the wool over peoples eyes.

    Practicing Isaan traditional dancing

    I met North-eastern Thai girls who felt the need to demonstrate some of the moves involved in this exercise so outdated even the Romans passed on learning it. One girl told me that she was made to sleep with her wrists bent backwards from the age of 9 months so she would be one ahead of her classmates at school whenever they had to do a show for the rest of the village.

    The music is equally as terrible, sounding like bagpipes played backwards over a techno mix of some hippos being drowned. I sat at a beer garden in Udon Thani watching as two drunken backpackers mingled with the locals, drunkenly taking the piss out of them whilst being both condescending and smug (how do they manage it, bless 'em) and showing generally that they were plain pr*cks.

    Isaan dance? Looks more like the conga to me

    The faster they outlaw this dance, the faster the people of Isaan can move into the modern world, and a program set up by the government could send them on crash courses in learning the Charleston, Conga, YMCA, The twist and the Oops upside your head dance.

    Taken a River restaurant cruise in Bangkok


    In all these years, no I never have, but what have I missed? A Thai seafood buffet for 4500 Baht? Disco lights giving me an epileptic fit on board? A fat tourist in a vest with a floral lei round his neck? I'm not knocking these cruises, as I'm sure they are staple revenue for many tour operators and hotels. Nice for tourists of course. I've sat at many a riverside restaurant and been disrupted as I first hear the wailing of a distant cover version of ''Kiss me'' or ''Band on the run'' getting closer and closer, and then this flashing monstrosity passes by, breaking the peace and quiet of my romantic meal.


    Floating restaurants: Probably a lot of fun, if you can afford it.

    Often you may even hear the passing on-board commentary by the guide, usually along the lines of ''See that miserable guy over there at that restaurant staring at us? Be glad he ain't on board'' And then he'll stick two fingers up at me.

    Visiting the floating market

    I'm sure this is a nostalgic, romantic place to visit if you're on your honeymoon, and I've had many chances to visit both markets, the one selling tourist market crap and the real one that peddles bags of shallots and durians. Trouble is, the tour guides always want to take you there at some early morning hour just to see the place in full swing.


    Fruit and veg, anyone?

    All that noise with a stinking fucking hangover would send me over the edge, so why not set up a temporary floating market, say once a week at 4pm on a thursday so lazy arseholes like myself and another few thousand alcoholics can enjoy what goes on there. I've seen the photos on google, and everything looks a bit precarious, people balancing on bamboo sticks and boats about sink under a weight of soi dogs. In fact, in 1980 when my mum visited Bangkok for a week, she bought back a tourism poster of Taliang Chan market, and it remained stuck to the back of our toilet door for twenty years.

    Stretched out on a 'bed' at Bed SupperClub


    Bed Supperclub: Gypsies seem to have set up camp on the dancefloor in front of the DJ booth

    I was never distinguished enough (read: good enough) to play at Bed Supperclub, and I surely would have cramped their style, but the main put off for me anyway was their arsefaced clientele and their sunglasses wearing friends in there, stretched out on white beds like retarded fucking losers on their laptops.

    Were they really enjoying the sterile vibes, the soulless music or the beer prices? Or was it all a poseurs paradise of fakeness, empty compliments and hi-so handbags? I was in there once for two hours and after the two allotted free drinks, our cigarette break saw us wander off back towards Sukhumvit. Apparently the odd backpacker type makes it there from Kao San Road (probably on the 511 bus from Banglampoo), and I sincerely hope they showered first because in a place where nobodies shit smells, they would be fucked by a mile in both senses.

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat
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    you forgot a couple, Pat

    Paying for your share of the bar bill

    Pissing on Smeg's boots

    Having sex with a Soi dog

  3. #3
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DrAndy View Post
    you forgot a couple, Pat

    Paying for your share of the bar bill

    Pissing on Smeg's boots

    Having sex with a Soi dog
    I will not rise to the bait.....

  4. #4
    ...................
    sunsetter's Avatar
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    oh go on........

  5. #5
    Thailand Expat Bobcock's Avatar
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    Got the wrong pic for your Bangkok River Cruise.

    Your pic is in Kanchanaburi.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat
    I first hear the wailing of a distant cover version of ''Kiss me'' or ''Band on the run'' getting closer and closer, and then this flashing monstrosity passes by, breaking the peace and quiet of my romantic meal with Smeg just as I was about to kiss him.

  7. #7
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by DrAndy
    Having sex with a Soi dog
    I thought he did that!

  8. #8
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    ^Nah..........his cousin

  9. #9
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bobcock
    Got the wrong pic for your Bangkok River Cruise. Your pic is in Kanchanaburi.
    that's why he never did it, coudn't find it

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat
    Taken a River restaurant cruise in Bangkok
    Not too bad actually. I've had 2 or 3. Not sure where you get 4,500B from though.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fukwit View Post
    ^Nah..........his cousin
    Never should have posted those assorted pics....

  12. #12
    How Dare You!!
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat View Post
    I wouldn't be letting this MILF blow my hornpipe. Lacerations from those pointy teeth would be pretty nasty.

    The bells would make a bit of a racket too.

  13. #13
    I am in Jail sabai sabai's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Looper
    The bells would make a bit of a racket too.

    If you timed it right, you could make a nice melody


    Make a refreshing change from the chainsaw mate

  14. #14

    R.I.P.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Bobcock
    Got the wrong pic for your Bangkok River Cruise. Your pic is in Kanchanaburi.
    It was a long cruise......

  15. #15
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmite the Dog
    Not sure where you get 4,500B from though.
    from his cousin's bag?

  16. #16
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    Seems like you missed some fun Prat.

    1.Volunteering with the hilltribes up north.

    Nope, me neither.

    2.Stretched out on a 'bed' at Bed SupperClub

    I did do this.

    3.Visiting the floating market
    I did do this, both the touristy one, and the local food based one.


    4.Taken a River restaurant cruise in Bangkok
    I did this, and the one in Kanchanaburi


    5.Practicing Isaan traditional dancing
    got dragged up onto a stage once or twice to do this.

  17. #17
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    Visited a British inmate in the infamous Bangkok Hilton

    Why should I? Sounds callous and I know they are miles from home, but what would they gain from a few minutes with me? What would we have in common? (no funny comments please) Would I be able to ease his pain for the next 67 years of his sentence? Can I choose what crime they were done for? It wouldn't be nice to find out that the guy is a rapist or murderer (or worse). I understand that most of the inmates would tell you they were 'set up' and are innocent, and that alone would put me off.

    In fact I would never visit an inmate in Bangkok, I would, however, put 100 Baht into the collection box at the British Embassy. My time would be better spent volunteering with hill tribes.

    Become a TPV (Tourist Police Volunteer)

    Do you need a background in the force in your own country? I didn't think so. Not when I saw the clever bastards parading around Walking Street in Pattaya. I suppose it would take a little bit of courage to intervene with a bunch of pissed up Brits or Dutch arguing over a bargirl, but the only advantage seems to be the language. Or the local cops laziness. Soon they will expand their operations to dealing with the huge number of pathetic farang suicides in that city, which would free up more Thai cops to pull over farangs who ride bikes without helmets.

    Been to a famous 'ping pong' show

    Well, technically not, I was in there about 30 seconds when I had to flee. It's foul, it's disgusting, degrading to humanity and to me, the phrase ''a little too much information'' is very relevant here. It's like when you finally see a famous persons genitals, and you're disppointed because you think to yourself, ''my imagination was adequate enough, thanks''

    If these shows just stopped, I believe there wouldn't be a huge demand, but it seems to be a bog standard part of a package holiday activity nowadays.

    Had a problem with Thai cops stopping and searching me

    I am sure there are certain individuals who want to be stopped just so they can complain about it daily for the next ten years to any farang ear within shouting distance. Then there are those who just claim to have been, just to jump on the bandwagon and have something to complain about with other miserable expats. And those are the ones who tend to exaggerate, adding in stupid things like ''I was thrown to the ground and beaten with a chain for not having my passport on me'' or ''They threatened to 'run a train' on my blonde girlfriend unless I handed over my wallet''

  18. #18
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bobcock View Post
    Got the wrong pic for your Bangkok River Cruise.

    Your pic is in Kanchanaburi.

    I did mean the Bangkok cruise, but that pic was sufficient enough for anyone to get the jist of what I meant.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat
    t wouldn't be nice to find out that the guy is a rapist or murderer (or worse)
    Why hang about with Smeg then?

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat
    It's like when you finally see a famous persons genitals, and you're disppointed because you think to yourself, ''my imagination was adequate enough, thanks'
    So you don't like the Pet Shop Boys anymore?

  21. #21
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fukwit View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat
    It's like when you finally see a famous persons genitals, and you're disppointed because you think to yourself, ''my imagination was adequate enough, thanks'
    So you don't like the Pet Shop Boys anymore?
    I'm still holding out.

  22. #22
    How Dare You!!
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat
    It's foul, it's disgusting, degrading to humanity and to me
    and to budgerigars everywhere

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat View Post
    Been to a famous 'ping pong' show

    Well, technically not, I was in there about 30 seconds when I had to flee. It's foul, it's disgusting, degrading to humanity and to me, the phrase ''a little too much information'' is very relevant here. It's like when you finally see a famous persons genitals, and you're disppointed because you think to yourself, ''my imagination was adequate enough, thanks''

    If these shows just stopped, I believe there wouldn't be a huge demand, but it seems to be a bog standard part of a package holiday activity nowadays.

    Had a problem with Thai cops stopping and searching me
    Dunno if you remember, but the 70's term "ping pong diplomacy" refers to Nixon's historic meeting with Mao in a sleazy Patpong clip joint.
    -Some rice-farmer's daughter shooting table tennis balls from her chuff probably spared us from WWIII, mate. Have a bit of respect.

  24. #24
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by kmart
    Some rice-farmer's daughter shooting table tennis balls from her chuff probably spared us from WWIII, mate.
    That's a sobering thought.

    Ping pong poontang saves world from wing wong ding dong.

  25. #25
    I don't know barbaro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat View Post
    I've banged on about all the things I did in Thailand in my years there, as anyone who knows me on this forum will know that I achieved minor notoriety in some of the activities I excelled in whilst in the Land of Smiles.
    Pat,

    No offense but you post a lot about Thailand.

    You're back in Blighty still, correct? Cornwall?

    I think you miss LOS.

    Honestly, I presume it's quite boring for you over there (as it would be for me if I was back in my home-town).

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