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  1. #1
    A Cockless Wonder
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    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway

    Ezequiel Lavezzi has retired from the Argentine squad so he won't be playing in the semi but I was inspired by his Chinese Super League promotional face pulling to try my hand at Chinese cooking.

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-photo_139618-jpg

    I have spent the last 12 months perfecting the Indian curry to die for and I now feel the time is right to rise to new challenges

    I went for Black Bean Sauce.

    Cooking instructions on t'internet are normally for a stir fry but I want the BBS that you get in real chinkies. When you get a takeaway the BBS is in tub like stew. It is not like a stir fry.

    So anyway I add some olive oil and sesame oil to the pan and chop my chicken and onion into it to gently heat up.

    I then added a whole bottle of BBS, some rice wine vinegar, ginger and garlic and also some Vietnamese chilli sauce to give it some kick.

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-img_20221213_224201-jpg

    I added water and flour to give it a more stewy body and added a splash of honey.

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-img_20221213_230422-jpg

    I ended up with this.

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-img_20221213_231647-jpg

    I do not know what it is called. It does not resemble classic Chinese takeaway BBS in any way but it is very tasty and I would happily make my new Chinese mystery dish again as is. But probably next time I will do more research on how to attain something closer to the real takeaway flavour

    Or maybe turn my hand to Sweet and Sour

    Gotta love Zeke's ecclesiastical chest tattoo.

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-ezequiel-lavezzi-jesus-tattoo-png

    I might get one of them after watching The Passion last month.

  2. #2
    Making people dance. :-)
    Edmond's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Looper View Post
    I ended up with this.
    A motivational cooking line if ever there was one.




    I'll actually take 6 tubs delivered if yer good for it.

  3. #3
    A Cockless Wonder
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    Quote Originally Posted by Edmond View Post
    A motivational cooking line if ever there was one
    I might beat a retreat and start with sweet and sour baby steps before tackling my next BBS experiment

    Quote Originally Posted by Edmond View Post
    I'll actually take 6 tubs delivered if yer good for it.
    This takeaway tub actually contains 6 serves going by the serve yieldage obtained from my Indian Curry batch cookery method

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-img_20221214_061236-jpg

    I need to get smaller oblong plastic tubs to give it that authentic Golden Dragon takeaway vibe

  4. #4
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    Real Chinese spy rescuing a person from Manchester by force



    A Ms Reg Dong Dinglebowl had basted himslef in sweet and sour sauce with her b/f a Mr Chitychitty Hoisin Duckandsuck and begged to be pulled off the pavement without satisfaction
    Quote Originally Posted by taxexile View Post
    your brain is as empty as a eunuchs underpants.
    from brief encounters unexpurgated version

  5. #5
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    olive oil
    Try corn oil, for Chinese. Those black beans look a bit suss- more like kidney beans. Anyway, it tasted good so kudos.

  6. #6
    A Cockless Wonder
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    Quote Originally Posted by Looper View Post
    I might beat a retreat and start with sweet and sour baby steps before tackling my next BBS experiment
    Et viola...

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-img_20221222_223305-jpg

    The early stage cooking shot did not come out on my chinko phone. It is 4 years old that phone so that is not a denigration or negative refelection on our fine Chinese friends' engineering skillz.

    Add the sweet and sour sauce + ginger and garlic. It is easy to make your own SSS (use the juice from the pineapple tin as a base) but it is even easier to buy a big jar for $4. This was 2 big jars for the batch job.

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-img_20221222_223740-jpg

    And plated

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-img_20221222_231900-jpg

    It was not as exciting as the BBS at first. But I added some vietnamese super-spicy chilli sauce to give it a turbo boost and it grew on me

    Quote Originally Posted by sabang View Post
    Those black beans look a bit suss- more like kidney beans
    I added kidney beans since the chicken was not enough bulk mass for a batch job

  7. #7
    A Cockless Wonder
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    Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

    This smoky tomato Chinese BBQ sauce showed mild promise upon uncorking the jar to go with the Onions and Chicken.

    I turbocharged it with

    Soy sauce
    Rice wine vinegar
    Ginger
    Garlic
    Black bean
    Sesame oil
    Vietnamese chilli sauce
    Thai Fit Sot

    And rocketed it straight to a podium finish for the Chinese fakey takeaway 2023 cullinary olympics

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-img_20230226_215610-jpg

    This is a bona fide winner and will be repeated meticulously as per my original hashed up random recipe

    Awesome possum

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-img_20230226_220415-jpg


    Took about 15 minutes and made a batch that will do at least 4 dinners which is under the blokeworthy bar of 4 minutes per meal. (the rice had already been cooked and just needed 2 minutes in the nookyulator)

    A pot noodle takes 3 minutes.

    Can't say fairer than that.

    I did not even know that tomatoes existed in China.

  8. #8
    A Cockless Wonder
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    I am feeling more confident about the merits of this Chinese smoky BBQ sauce so I thought I would pull out the blokish stops with a double batch

    I bring you a jar sauce masterclass:

    Maillard reaction temperature must be reached before uncorking the jars

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20230402_201507-jpg


    What the sauce really brings is smokiness. The rest of the flavour is meh and needs a bit of a leg-up so time to wheel in the supporting cast of

    garlic
    ginger
    soy sauce
    fit sot
    sesame oil
    vietnamese chilli sauce
    rice wine vinegar
    black bean sauce

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20230402_202106-jpg

    The first plate left me with 2 litres of BBQ stew leftover which will last over a week

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20230402_205353-jpg

  9. #9
    A Cockless Wonder
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    Chinese lady from Fujian province invited me over to pop my hotpot cherry. I have never had chinese hot pot before although I have heard about it. The bottles behind the beef were her homemade mulberry and plum wine (38% abv using rice wine as a base to flavour with berries)

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240415_205547-jpg

    My contribution was a bottle of bubbly. Chinese lady is a lady of temperance and agreed on a thimbleful

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240415_205937-jpg

    I thought I had hit the jackpot when she pulled on these rubber gloves

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240415_205545-jpg

    I was ravenous hungry and champing at the bit when I clanked eyes on this kingly feast

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240415_210332-jpg

    3/4 of the way in and my stomach was stretching like Monsieur Creosote

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240415_224826-jpg

    Plum and mulberry wine digestiv settling in

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240415_230923-jpg

    To pop Monsieur Creosote she broke out the custard tarts for dessert with a pot of Oulong tea native to Fujian

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240415_233421-jpg

    And on the left is golden Crysanthemum tea as drunk by the emperor.

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240415_234729-jpg

    Lordy I have not eaten so much food in one sitting in a few years I reckon.

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-mr__creosote_demanding_more_meals_by_chancelewis23_dfvv7mb-pre-jpg

  10. #10
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    Makes a change from menu 69 with porn crackers

  11. #11
    Isle of discombobulation Joe 90's Avatar
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    That's a very nice from me!

  12. #12
    Hangin' Around cyrille's Avatar
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    Just post ‘very nice’, you ridiculous prat.

  13. #13
    Isle of discombobulation Joe 90's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyrille View Post
    Just post ‘very nice’, you ridiculous prat.

    You shit the bed again Ciz?

    Very nice

  14. #14
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  15. #15
    A Cockless Wonder
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    I offered to make FF1 Indian curry for dinner and she countered with an offer that she cook Kung Pao Chicken for me at my gaff. I was hoping to wow her with my sub-continent special but I was also keen to hone my Chinese Takeaway skillz with a masterclass so I eagerly went with her proposition.

    First up she wanted to go on safari so I scooted along to the end of the driveway and loaded up.

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240428_175338-jpg

    I was wanting to show her one of the gnarly old monster roos with the big dangly ballbags but we had to settle for a young buck

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240428_182607-jpg

    And a baby

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240428_183949-jpg

    Not a bad backend

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240428_184909-jpg

    Not to fugly up front either. The new swollen-kidney grilles cop some flack but the headlights are quite nice. She is still offering to sell it to me when she upgrades to save my pedestrian Volvo blushes.

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240428_185021-jpg

    Back at teh gaffe I had to sing for my supper which, after 5 Jack Johnson numbers, left me with sorer hands than pounding my pud after she left me with blue balls last weekend

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-1-jpg

    She rejected my regular leccy hob in favour of getting me to dig out my gas powered camping stove. As a young paduan learner I simply followed orders.

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240428_203611-jpg

    She did suggest we add some Indian to the buffet but when I heated some up she turned her nose up at it. I don't think they would have gone well together to be honest.

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240428_203951-jpg

    Kung Pow dished up and ready to go. This was Sichuan style with hot flash-fried red-hot ring-stingin chillis a-plenty. The rubber gloves were hers and I was keen to find out what she had planned for afters.

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240428_204510-jpg

    I was starving ravenous by this point and had no problems polishing off this monster serving

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240428_204848-jpg

    We bathed in the rising moonlight later (after she finally consented to a 4th date lunar probing), and she related to me details of the mysterious Chang'e (goddess of the moon), and her pet Yu Tu (Jade rabbit).

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240429_012954-jpg


    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-maxresdefault-jpg

  16. #16
    Isle of discombobulation Joe 90's Avatar
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    Very nice Loops!

  17. #17
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    That's a very nice from me to.

  18. #18
    A Cockless Wonder
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    FF2 was getting busy in the kitchen tonight rustling up a No.63 Prawn Egg Fly Lie

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240509_221200-jpg

    I was smelling better than my attempts at fried rice and she even avoided getting any grease splashes on my nicely airbrushed B-57 Canberra which arrived yesterday and was perched precariously on the ledge

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240509_221403-jpg

    I dazzled he by firing up my monster bigscreen and throwing up Hero from 2002 starring the lush Zhang Ziyi. I have watched Crouching Tiger heaps of times but I have never seen Hero since I first watched it on rental DVD 20 years ago. I thought FF2 would be stoked at being able to watch a Chinese movie since she has no English, but she declared it 'boring' after 26 minutes so we watched The Blue Planet S02E01 instead.

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240509_222326-jpg

    The Egg Fly Lie is not super photogenic but was a real treat with onions, garlic and oyster sauce, so good on her.

    The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway-20240509_222334-jpg

  19. #19
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    Hope your re entry vehicle ok

    a cooker and a looker you've hit the jackpot

  20. #20
    Isle of discombobulation Joe 90's Avatar
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    Is she a fast eater or did she serve herself a smaller portion before giving you a portion?

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