''He's written me out of his will, he's disappeared up his own arse, I made him what he is''
These are the words of Ralph Biggs, a 53 year old Australian national living in his grotty bedsit in Sydney suburbia. He doesn't ask much from anyone, even us, but it's not a lot to ask for his own kid brother to just pick up the phone.
''Donate this interview fee to my favourite charity, Save the snakes'' He tells us, sipping his strong lager and lighting another hand rolled cigarette. God knows what he's smoking, but it sure isn't any regular tobacco.
''I taught the man how to wipe his arse at two years old'' Says Ralph. ''It was my idea for him to train in management. He went from the shop floor to the top in two years''. This is all grand, but seeing as Andrew Biggs was a self employed freelance street sweeper, that is hardly the story the likes of Richard Branson would be impressed with.
''It took Andy seven years to save for that flight to Bangkok, work was low and his dole money was on and off. My suspicions were aroused when after just ten minutes of landing in the Thai capital, he called and said he wasn't coming back. I got paranoid, thinking some of my pranks, like making him eat dingo shit, had driven him away''
Biggs, of course, went on to be the Thai media's face of TEFL-ing and the ultimate ajarn. Even the Na Ayuthayas of the kingdom addressed him as 'kru'. But a darker, more sinister tale is there to be exposed.
''He used to wet the bed a lot, and he once stole a chocolate bar from a shop'' Reveals Ralph, who says that his kid brother also hid his homosexuality very well.
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Andrew Biggs with his hero, the late Freddie Mercury
''He'd sellotape a pair of spectacles above his girlfriends mound of pubic hair, so to him it looked as if he was being sucked off by a bearded man, he was a genius. Another time he had this invention, for a hoover that would have headphones, so that others in the house could have a bit of peace and quiet. Obviously that idea had its flaws''
One thing that Andrew Biggs did revolutionise was english teaching in Thailand. Fuck knows how, but he managed it. Having shopped his main rival Phil Williams to the immigration bureau time and time again on false pretences to further his own progress, the bald superstar in waiting became well known as 'Uncle Tom' to his estranged colleagues.
An ex-friend explains ''Andrew once stole all my clothes on a sleepover at his apartment, we both had important meetings the next morning but when I woke up and couldn't find my clothes, obviously I couldn't go. I borrowed a dress off the cleaner instead and still got a job - as a novelty farang cabaret act''
Ralph, meanwhile, is up to his eyeballs in debts, owing 50 dollars in vet fees for an operation on his parrot. ''I got a letter this morning from some cronies who threatened me. Basically it was pay up or the bird gets it, but I don't scare easily, and like all my bills since Andrew left, I photocopy one and post it to Andrew, I know he's got millions so when he finally coughs up I'll be ok''
We contacted Andrew Biggs by phone yesterday on his yacht off Phuket, and he denied ever knowing or having a brother named Ralph.
''He must have got his wires crossed someplace, as my brother Ralph lives in Sydney, and sells his arse in Kings Cross, why would he bother fabricating such crap? Anyway I've got to go as I have two rent boys coming round to eat caviar off my bum cheeks while spoon feeding me gold flavoured ice cream''
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Ralp Biggs waits for the day his 'brother' will return home
