Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob
Psychic Bob
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Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Silence around the Christmas dinner table as your uncle says he hasn't seen that much meat stuffed up the same bird since he was in Bangkok with the Merchant Navy.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As a child you would always play with the boxes the toys came in, so your wife shouldn't be too surprised this week when she comes home to find you wearing her cocktail dress.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Mars, the planet of tangled wiring, meets Pluto the planet of multi-speaker home cinema system installation and badly translated Japanese instruction manuals. You are fucked.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
An awkward moment this week when you see your ex on the arm of somebody who looks remarkably like you. Except he's got hair and teeth.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Take it easy this week because this is an accident-prone time for you when driving, walking, jogging or standing still beneath the rapidly growing shadow of a grand piano.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week why not don your battered fedora and brown leather jacket, pick up your revolver and your trusty whip and set off on a grand adventure to steal a precious golden idol from some indigenous people who were minding their own fucking business?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your mission is to proceed up the Nung River in a Navy patrol boat. Pick up Colonel Kurtz's path at Nu Mung Ba, follow it and learn what you can along the way. And can you also get us a packet of Hobnobs?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you are not willing to hold it under the water until the bubbles stop then you shouldn't have ordered it.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Being single doesn't have to mean you're all alone feeding 20 cats from your armchair while watching cop show re-runs.
It just does in your case.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
All the computing power that first took man to the moon is now contained in your mobile phone. And all you use it for is to text inanities to your equally twattish mates. You arse.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A full Moon next to Saturn signals a climactic point for one pet project. But remember, in the eyes of the law, as an animal can't speak, it can't give its consent.
