Useful FACTS for posting in Issues (or News)
Internet Forum FACTS:
1.) Typing "FACT" after anything makes it an incontrovertible fact. FACT. (Has to be in capitals though or it doesn't count)
2.) Correct punctuation, grammar and spelling are entirely optional on the internet. FACT. You know what you're talking about; if no-one else can understand you, that's their problem.
Ignore their corrections, taunts, prolonged sessions of explaining the difference between 'they're', 'there' and 'their', and those posts consisting entirely of various punctuation marks with an invitation to treat said post as a punctuation buffet.
3.) Your opinion counts. Oh yes it does. Some maintain that it's worth at least as much as anyone else's. They are actually wrong; your opinion is worth more than anyone else's (including the person who maintains that their opinion is worth more than yours - don't try to figure this one out, it does make sense if you don't think about it).
Have you ever owned/seen/heard/worked on/eaten/drunk/wanked over/talked to/been attacked by the object or person being discussed? No? You'll find that just doesn't matter. Tell the world what you think. At length. People will shout you down, they are unbelievers and must be crushed with your intellect and wit.
But if you have, then your opinion is absolute gospel. You can present it as true, solid hard FACT. Oh, yes. Feel that warm glow. You've just pissed yourself with joy. Doesn't it feel good?
4.) You're safe behind your keyboard. FACT. No-one can trace you. Feel free to taunt people on open forums without risk of any of the following:
- Having your real name and address posted.
- Pictures of your house / car / wheelie bin being posted on the forum.
- Other users of the forum adopting pictures of your house etc. as their avatars.
- The person you taunted turning up at your place of work with a large bag of ring spanners and a tub of anal lube.
- A moderator of the forum turning up at your house stark bollock naked and being photographed standing outside your front door.
There's nothing to worry about, go ahead and say what you like. Call them all "keyboard warriors" - they're cowards who say things from behind their keyboard they would never dare say to your face.
5.) In the unlikely event you find yourself out of your depth in an internet argument, you can just imply that they are "biting" and laugh at them. This wins you almost all arguments. FACT. Any arguments that you still don't win can be quickly finished off by comparing certain people on the forum to Nazis. Hitler=Instant win. FACT.
6.) Smilies are great. FACT. Use as many as you can, it doesn't really matter if you've used the same one three times in the same sentence already - they are there to demonstrate your depth of feeling, use them to your heart's content. Hundreds and hundreds of the little fuckers, the more obscure the better. Knock yourself out.
7.) "Fail" images mark you as a master debater, along with lolcats. FACT. People love them, especially that one with the containers falling off the "failboat". That's fucking hilarious that one. Or any iteration of the Failcopter - everyone loves that.
8.) Irony is just like gold-ey or bronze-y only it's made of iron. FACT.
9.) Mentioning how much you earn / what flash car you drive / how high-powered your job is will earn you great respect amongst your peers. FACT. Feel free to make these up, no-one will know (see 4.) above). If photographic evidence is requested, just post two pictures of your pretend house/girlfriend/Quattro/place of work found somewhere else on the Internet. They will be accepted at face value by all.
10.) LOL means "Laugh Out Loud" apparently. Of course, laughing out loud while sat at your computer is not an actual pre-requisite for the use of "LOL", that was just a fact. Not a FACT, just a fact.
