The Midnight Underwear Incident
I found myself battling with a pack of amorous hounds in nothing but a pair of Simpson's boxer shorts last night.
My mutt is on heat at the moment, so every dog in Korat wants a piece of the action and regardless of how many sexual expletives, sticks and stones are hurled, they won't get the message..which reads loud and clear..FUCK OFF AND LET ME SLEEP.
Coming between a man and his sleep is simply a wrong move, I'll allow it only from my daughter and that's a fucking close call.
My bedroom, being closest to the gate, allows all the wimpering, barking, growling and whining get right into my head. All I'm thinking about is 6.30am when the alarm will go off and I will awake and go about my day like a fucking zombie..
NO, no no no no no no NO..
Keeping a casual, respectful demeanour about my person, I stepped out of bed and hydrated myself with a few sips of water from the bottle I keep next to it, for this was going to be a stressful event(it was already, but it was gonna get worse when I woke up the whole village). Outside the back door and I collected a four foot piece of lead piping. A sturdy weapon was needed for this situation.
There were about 6 dogs loitering with intent outside the gate, one of them even had the nerve to come onto the property..I knew he had cos I could hear the sound of the 5 foot chain he was dragging around that was still attached round his collar.
Stealthily, I charged, football hooligan style. Initially the dogs legged it..a little taken a back by this white fellow in his underwear, intent on battering the fuck out of them.
They stopped in the middle of the road outside, tails up, ears up and started barking..was I scared, no I was not..I advanced on the pack going hay-maker with the piping and put my fucking shoulder out in the process..all very comical stuff...the piping out of my hand I decided to test my hand to hand combat skills..I ran at the ring leader (he of the 5 foot lead fame) and chased him back to his dwellings, where I proceeded to beat him with a cardboard box..:mid:
Anyway, now I'm famous..*ahem*
No dogs returned after that... I won the battle..but the war is still very much on..
By the way..if you ever find yourself facing a pack of dogs, don't do what I did..instead, pretend to pick something up from the floor...the results are quite remarkable.
