When I make comments about the size of Britney Spears's tits and women not making good pilots, my girlfriend accuses me of being sexist. Yet when I punch her in the face she starts ranting and raving about it being wrong to hit a lass.
The hypocrisy of it all dumbfounds me
A poster in my doctors surgery concerning wife beating read 'Don't suffer in Silence'. Well, whenever I punch the missus on the jaw she screams like a fucking banshee. It makes me wonder if doctors know what they're talking about half the time.
Why do old people insist on referring to World War I as 'The Great War'? Surely World War II with its higher death toll and use of atomic weapons was loads better.
I get really pissed-off when I hear pensioners moaning on about how one of their mates was mugged for 5 pounds. Well, if they would all carry 50 or 100 quid, the muggers wouldn't have to mug so many of them.
Come on, pensioners - carry more cash around and reduce the crime rate.
While visiting my local supermarket I was disgusted to find the best parking spaces nearest the door are now reserved for so-called 'Parent and Child Parking'. If these people are fit enough to produce offspring in the first place, they should be able to walk across a car park into the supermarket. The best spaces should be reserved for the people with the most expensive cars. It is them who are likely to spend most money in the supermarket, and to have the most shopping to carry back to their cars.
'You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family' they say. Bollocks. I brought my wife back from Thailand and made her leave her kids in Bangkok.
These people who object to gay men bringing up children, saying they will lack female role models show a staggering level of ignorance. Surely they'll get all the feminine influence they need with both parents skipping around the house in high heeled shoes and dresses.
Good on Michael Barrymore for bouncing back to our screens. Good riddance to the days when a troubled, alcoholic drug-addled, middle-aged homosexual would be banished from hosting a prime-time, family TV show merely for having a drugged, sexually injured corpse fished out of his swimming pool amid rumours of foul play.
You often see signs outside churches telling us that 'Jesus Lives'. But these religious folk are always carping on about how he died on the cross for all our sins. Dying isn't much of a sacrifice if you're planning on coming back again five minutes later.
Come on, God botherers. You can't have it both ways. make up your minds. Is he dead or is he alive?
When Richard Hammond was fighting for his life after his highspeed crash I, like the majority of the population, was wishing him a full and speedy recovery. Now, however, after seeing those Morrisons adverts on the telly, I can't help wondering if we weren't all a little hasty.
I read in an article recently that one third of road accidents are caused by people who have been drinking too much, and one quarter are caused by people driving too quickly. It doesn't take a genius to work out that too thirds are therefore caused by people who have not had enough to drink, and three quarters by people who drive too slowly. This means that people who drive quickly whilst over the limit are twelve times safer than those who are sober and obey the speed limit.
These Harry Potter films are all well and good, but I can't help thinking it's all a bit far fetched. I mean, how many schools do you know where there's a ginger kid with two mates?
The government say that benefit fraud is costing every household in Britain about 80 pounds per month. Nonsense. I'm up 300 quid a week.
Why do they bother with soft porn? People that hate porn don't like it, and the people that love porn don't like it. So what's the point?
Every time I visit the hairdressers, the gorgeous blonde girl who cuts my hair thoughtfully gives me a tissue when she has finished. Obviously, she knows I'm going straight home to have a wank over her. The last time I went, however, she wasn't there and a bloke with a moustache cut my hair instead. Imagine my disgust when he also gave me a tissue.
I don't think I'll be going back there again.
The popemobile has 3-inch thick bullet-proof glass in its windows. There's fucking faith for you.
JK Rowling makes much of the fact that she was a single mum on benefits whilst writing her first Harry Potter book. Well, if she was receiving benefits whilst writing, she was technically working, as she was doing it with a view to making money from her quaint meanderings. It follows, therefore, that she is one of the benefit cheats that the government are so keen to crack down on.
If anyone would like to report her, the number to call is 0800 854440.
I recently attended a bull fight during a holiday in Spain. I went with an open mind, but I can honestly say that I have never been so appalled by an event in all my life. It cost 8 Euros to get in, a can of coke was another 2 Euros, and I was sat so far at the back that I couldn't see the cows getting stabbed.
I wish disabled people would stop moaning on about there being no access to public buildings. They get to sit in their wheelchairs whilst being carried up and down large flights of stairs - the rest of us have to walk.
To call Dr. Harold Shipman 'Britain's Worst Serial Killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's Best Serial Killer'. Someone like Colin Stagg who not only was arrested in connection with only one killing, but then turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify at the country's worst serial killer.
According to some, the rudest thing you can do in Thailand is show the soles of your feet.
What nonsense.
On my last trip to Bangkok, I shat on a ladyboy's tits whilst his sister wanked me into their mum's hair.
