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Pay attention, this is educational!

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif

The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He then announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for $50."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif

Now you have a better understanding of how the

WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WORKS !!!
It doesn't get much clearer than this........

brilliant... I like it a lot

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________________ _____________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________________ _____________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. _________________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
_________________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_________________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________ ________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father'scherrytree, but also admitted it.Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
____________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
__________________________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
__________________________________________________TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Kudos for the jokes , loved it !

The 2008 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on thecounter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with yourfriends and family... unless of course, one of these above-mentioned individuals is, bychance, a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember... They walk among us!!! *

Quote:

Originally Posted by Plan B

Pay attention, this is educational!

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif

The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He then announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for $50."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif

Now you have a better understanding of how the

WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WORKS !!!
It doesn't get much clearer than this........

Wasnt this the Enron MCA stunt If only the monkeys would teach the folks memory techniques instead of just getting bonuses for pissing in the beer Good stuff waana buy a pyramid anyone Mad off course!

https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif7 KINDS OF SEX! & A BONUS!

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
A short time and you are so needy you will have
Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
Long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
Usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
Long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
Both say .... 'F*%k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She
Takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone..

And . Last ... But not least ...

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

And the bonus...

https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gifDOGSTYLE!https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gifTHAT'S WHERE HE SITS UP AND BEGS FOR IT......https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif

SHE ROLLS OVER AND PLAYS DEADhttps://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

Fuck 'em!!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

PS Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off.

Prolly not by Billy Connolly, but the sentiment is good. Don't send me those crappy chain mails, and ditto for the pictures of kittens and carved fruit.

WHY AMERICA'S ECONOMY FELL OFF THE CLIFF
John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN
JAPAN) for 6 am.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his
electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN
SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN
INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he
could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the
radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it
with
GAS (from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying
AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his
Computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while. He put
on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE
IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered
why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA

This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story.....

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

'Gosh...if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly...
And I will grab the fish!!'

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it...
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.

'A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story...
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Calgary noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she is so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant! But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned toward her and uttered the Delta Slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Nope, not Delta." He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?" This time the woman savagely turned to him and barked, "What the &#[at]* do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair,and said.... "Ahhh, Air Canada!"

There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM:Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to ****us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later...
SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logicalarrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

Thats a fvcking brilliant effort Plan B, well done mate, I've no ammo left to green you so have a gold star instead

https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2009/11/275.jpg

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

'Hello", said the little boy

'Hi", replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home", answered the little girl.

"I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Protestant church back down the road", replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mum's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"'My Mum will tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked .

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a Protestant and a Catholic!

Dating With Different Type of Girls

Here's a summary about what you should expect when dating with chicks from different races.

Chinese

First date
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Again, Nothing Happens!

Third date
You usually don't get up to third date because you are smart enough to realize that
nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN MINACHI

First date
Meet her parents.

Second date
Set the date of the wedding.

Third date
Wedding night.

MALAY MINAH

First date
You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third Date
She moves in.
One week later, her father, , her 4 mothers, her 18 sisters, her 20 brothers, all of their kids, her 16 grandmas, her father's girlfriend's mother, her 268 cousins all move in.

But don't worry you can repeat this 4 times. ;-)

WHITE MARY

First Date
You both get drunk and have sex.

Second Date
You both get drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary
You both get drunk and have sex.

ARAB AL-KATIJAH

First Date
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.

Second Date
You are shot dead.

Third date
Not Applicable

Good stuff... :rofl:

A woman came in a Garage and asked
for a seven-hundred- ten.

All looked at each other, and the mechanic
asked, "What is a seven-hundred- ten?"

She replied, "You know, the
little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had
always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and
a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in
the middle of it wrote 710 !!

He then took her over to another car
which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there...

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BP OIL SPILL DISASTER SCROLL DOWN IN ANGER

IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU ANGRY...THEN NOTHING WILL !…this is going too far!!!

This shot shows the serious damage caused to the wildlife by the recent BP blowout ...

I feel it is my duty right now to go down to the coast and help clean the wildlife with my own two hands.

Where do I sign up?

https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif

https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif

Do you need glasses??
Look carefully at the picture below.

.

https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif

Did you see the a***of the girl in the background?

If you did, then have your Eyes checked as this is the shoulder of the girl in front of her...

My appointment is tomorrow at 1:30.

:mid: