The Total Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!
The Total Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!
Let's begin:
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long
as a month.
Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.
Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.
Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links
that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety
Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get
started.
Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly
surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.
Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean
Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.
Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely
suggested by the little-brains.
Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the
easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since
it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making
$345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.
Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program.
Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort
of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can
switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then
start calling the other members of her support group.
Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people
substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.
Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.
Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous
because their brains are too small.
Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a
zen-like non-attachment to service providers.
Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:
--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with
zany colors and flashy banners.
--Join every free banner exchange.
--Get your own free-for-all links page.
--Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or
Lackwit in the title.
--Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most
important search engines.
--Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free
classified sites.
--Hire a bulk emailer.
--Sponsor a golf tournament.
Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't
even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing
wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your
friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their
Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their
Internet earnings.
Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their
Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.
