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These are the Drunken Misadventures of a Redneck. These were originally posted to a bulletin board, but they will appear here weekly.
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Day 550, I think unless I lost count somewhere along the way.
Why am I always the last one to know when my classes are cancelled? I woke up early this morning, showered, shaved, put on a shirt, grabbed a bottle of beer and stormed out the door. Imagine the looks I got, sipping my bottle of Chang while gripping the "safety" handle near the rear boor of the bus.
So I finally get to school, no lesson planned(On Mondays I can wing it), no food in my stomach, still a hungover from the night before, not ready to face a class full of M1 kids. Imagine my dismay that two of my classes were cancelled today. No classes= no money, no money = no booze. Oh I wasn't told this, rather some students hanging around the classroom let me in on the secret.
A quick call back home to Suree confirmed the obvious, Suree didn't give me the message. What good is having a girl if she makes you pay for bedtime, can't take a message and doesn't cook? Her words: I not secretary. You pay me, I make love you.
So now I have time before I go back to teach little rugrats. Prance around with little kids for 2 hours playing stupid games and generally acting like a clown. Not fun, but it buys me time with Suree and it buys me good whiskey.
I got to thinkin today and the things we don't have here in Thailand. Why ain't there no drive thrus in Thailand? Back home we have drive thru anything. Heck in Texas they have drive thru liquor stores. I can't follow that one. I can buy it in my car, but I can't drink it in my car.
Open containers suck. Back when I was a little kid, my mom, my brother, my sister and I went out collectin cans on the side of the road. We had nothin better to do and the welfare check was days away. (When the welfare lady came around the house, daddy always hid out in the basement, don't know why.) We needed money to buy momma some beer, no beer and momma gets a might angry. So we was all collectin cans by the side of the road.
Our tags were expired on the Pinto so we had play with the mud. We was a throwing mud on the car, trying to hit the license plate and the tags and then we had to through mud around the car so they wouldn't think we just threw mud on the plate. After it was all muddied up, we drove out to the highway to start collectin cans.
We did that one all day long. Sis wasn't trying too hard, she kept tryin to light all of the old cigarette butts and getting a little puff here and there. Brother and I did most of the work. Well we worked hard all day long and got us several big trash bag full of cans of all types. Beer cans(momma said she had to clean them out by drinking what was left in them), soda cans, you name it.
When we got all done we loaded up the Pinto with our cans and start back down to the collection depot. On the way back it rained and washed the mud off the plate and wouldn't ya know it, a cop stopped us. They saw all of the cans in our car and he done took a look at an open beer can in one the bags. Damned if he didn't explode and he said he was breaking the law. Something about an open container. My sister begged the cop for mercy and he let us go with a warning and our phone number.
We got to the collection depot and made purt near $12 for the cans. My momma got a 40 of Mickeys, my sister got a pack of GPC's, and my brother and I got a bottle of coke and a snickers each.
My how times do change, before a bottle of coke and a snickers satsified me, now a bottle of rum and a roll in the hay are what satisfy me.
Deadwood Dumas
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Just a drunk man tryin' to make a livin'
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Day 539
Oh, back on the chain gange. After a rather wild week, I guess I am back to posting. I am glad to see the new board come up. Without a way to vent, I become a solitary drunk. With the board, I feel like I drink with my friends.
I am trying to figure out what these emoticons or whatever they are mean.
Where did I leave off on the other board? Oh yes. Last weekend. I went down to Soi Cowboy last Saturday. hence the new name, I am kind of a cowboy as much as a redneck. I like Soi Cowboy, and one of the most famous cowboys was old Deadwood Dick. But mine is anything but deadwood or so says Suree. Just call me Deadwood Dumas. Because one thing is for sure, Dumas is deadwood.
Talking about Suree, she say me again at Soi Cowboy. There was no way she was letting me get away from her. I may be a cheapskate, but she says I am her cheapskate. We went home together at 2am, she stayed the night. And the next day until it was time to go to work, which means no Sunday for me. She has been coming back everyday since. I only give her little money, but she says she likes me.
Today I tried to interest my Matayom students in democracy. They had to offer their opinions are whether boys are stupid or not. Raise your hands, thanks! Oh come on kids, raise your hands, answer the question. Drink some some cocacola laced with rum. No opinion=buffalo. Try again. Drink more rum. Then I find a student who doesn't vote and declare them to a buffalo. drink more rum. try again, this time it works, all of the students vote. Boys are stupid. I am drunk. My students laugh as I stagger back to the blackboard.
Which reminds me, last Friday I continued the hotel lesson. I got my students to tell me about hotels and then tell me if they are good or not. They ran off a long list of hotels and even included a couple of places I am familiar with. Then came the big question, good hotel mai? For the bad ones, I asked them, tamai bad? To which my girls respond : Sell body.
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Just a drunk man tryin' to make a livin'
