for the aussies and kiwis

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Dear Abby:


I am a sailor in the Australian navy. My parents live in Western Australia and my brother in law is a New Zealander living in Adelaide.

My father and mother have been busted for drug running and depend on my two sisters who are prostitutes in melbourne for a living.

My only brother is serving a life sentence in jail on charges of rape and murder.

I am in love with an aboriginal prostitute who solicits around the naval dockyard. She says she loves me but knows nothing of my family background. We intend to marry as soon as her illnesses clear up. Me being white doesn't worry her at all.

When I get out of the navy, we will open a whorehouse in Brisbane and my two sisters will work there to keep the business in the family.

My problem is this ! I want to marry this girl and bring her into the family, and I want to be completely honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother in law being a Kiwi??

Signed Very concerned

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A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits an English farmer.

"So,English farmer,how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well,I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting,"replies the researcher and he leaves the English farmer.Then he meets an Australian farmer.

"So,Australian farmer,how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well,I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting,"replies the researcher,"That's how they do it in England too."And he leaves the Australian farmer.

Then he meets a farmer from New Zealand.

"So,kiwi farmer,how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well,I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and I take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?"replies the researcher,"Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?"says the farmer,"and miss out on all the kissing?"

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shamelessly stolen from Rik

http://www.rikk-cowsys.com/index.php?showtopic=4800

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Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994.The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel.

All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?

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Some of the caps best chat up lines :)

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• I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

• (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

• Nice legs...what time do they open?

• Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

• You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

• Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

• I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

• I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

• I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

• Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the ###### outta me.

• I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

• Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

• I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

• Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?

• You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

• Are those real?

• You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

• I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

• If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

• I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

• You know if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

• You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

• F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

• Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

• My name is (name)... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

• Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

• Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

• My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute. "

• Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

• My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

• I know milk does a body good, but ######, how much have you been drinking?

• I've lost my phone number, can I have yours?

• If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

• Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?

• Baby, I'm an American Express lover... you shouldn't go home without me.

• Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

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The definitive guide to Aussies


The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
All our best heroes are losers.
The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
The wise man will choose a partner who is more attractive than himself.............to mosquitoes.
If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".
There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.
And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER! It also doesn't have the bit about the true test for immigration to Australia. They give potential new Aussies the following test: Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.

What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?


Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.

What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?


You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Why do birds fly upside down over Australia?


It's not worth shitting on.

Why was the Christ child not born in Australia?


You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!!

What do you call a field full of Australians?


A vacant lot.

An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump. The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry "I am doing this for my country.....". The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words. Then the New Zealander ripped the parachute off the Australian, pushed him out of the plane and cried "I'm doing this for my country.....".



Most Australians aren't too good at history. For example, they think Gandhi's first name was Goosey Goosey.



How do you define 144 Australians?


Gross stupidity.

The Aussie pilot, when asked for his height and position, replied, "I'm 5'11 and sitting in the front seat".



What do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test?


A cheat.

An Aussie is proof that God has a sense of humour.



What do you call an Aussie with half a brain?


Gifted.

If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first?


The blonde - the other two don't exist.

How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?


Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.

What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you.


Pull the pin and throw it back.

Did you hear about the Aussie who had a brain transplant?


The brain rejected him a week later.

What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians?


At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk". The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"



What does an Australian girl use for protection during sex?


A bus shelter.

Newsflash!! Paul Keating's library burned down at the weekend and two books were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished colouring in one of them.



There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.



An Australian is someone who thinks that the three major political parties in Australia are Labour, Liberal and Cocktail.



What has ten thousand legs and four pubic hairs???


A nikki webster concert.

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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

New Zealander: (look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

New Zealander: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.

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Indonesia declares war against Aussie land.

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To: Foreign Secretary of Indonesia

Subject: Declaration of War


My Dear Dr Alatas,


May I thank you, on behalf of the Australian people, for your country's most kind Declaration of War, received in my office at 8pm last night.

With sincere regret, I must decline your invitation to fight. If you could delay your invasion of our northern coastline until, say, the year 2015, I'm sure we'd be able to give you a terrific scrap. But at the moment I doubt we could even field a team.

Our F-111s are grounded again, and, because of their age (ours have the gearshift on the steering column, and those indicators that flip out of the door pillars), spare parts are available only at wrecking yards and swap meets. Also, we just can't seem to get them to run properly on unleaded.

The Chinooks in Townsville are grounded, too. Losing the choppers is bad news as our fixed-wing capacity in the north is presently in tatters. Why? A slight kerfuffle over my good friend Warren Entsch's concreting business has left our RAAF base at Weipa short of a number of desirable features - like a runway.

Our Defence Minister, Mr Moore, sends his apologies, but insists that a war is presently out of the question as we don't have a Defence Secretary. Well we have one, but he's currently trying to wrestle Mr Moore to death in the Federal Court, for wrongful dismissal. It would be a little unfair on Mr Moore to begin a war while nobody in the Defence Department will speak to him.

You will probably know that the Chief of Navy isn't getting a new contract either but, even if he was, I could not possibly commit our senior service to any conflict. Our two Collins submarines, Drowning and Waving, have just returned from sea trials off Fiji to assess their design targets of silence and stealth. Every time they went into reverse, normal conversation became impossible across most of Chile and Peru. It is also disheartening that Drowning ran aground, especially as this mishap somehow snapped off her periscope. Think about it! Not that we have enough submariners to man the boats anyway. Attracting career sailors to our modern professional navy has not been helped by recent revelations on prime time television that recruits are routinely stripped naked, smeared with food scraps and excrement, and flogged on the buttocks. I take no comfort from the flood of applications this publicity drew from Tasmania. The army is still the bulwark of Australia's security, but even there things are difficult.

Changes following the Women In Combat report, and same-sex relationship rulings, have, in my opinion compromised our flexibility. For example, both the First Heavy Armoured (Dykes With Pykes) and the Gay Fusiliers (The Queens Light Foot) refuse to fight for a fortnight either side of the Sydney Mardi Gras.

Other soldiers are insisting, these days, on owning the conflict and have begun to enrol in regular workshops to manage their aggression. High Court rulings may also mean, with no offence Dr Alatas, that we cannot engage in a battle against a racially-selected enemy force. Can you recruit a sprinkling of Europeans next time?

By all means take as many of ours as you want.

It is a good indication of the quality of our Defence Intelligence Organisation that I am unable to send this transmission in code. The code books were stolen by an unstable, steroid abuser, Jean-Phillippe Wispelaere, shrewdly recruited by the DIO, and entrusted with most of our defence secrets. So now we don't have any. Mr Wispelaere sold them all in Bangkok. If you have any secrets you don't need any more, we would be most grateful for them. I should have the code books back soon. Christies are auctioning them in Havana next week. In the meantime, DIO suggests we do the old a="b", b="c", c="d" code.

They swear by it.

I know our refusal will be a considerable disappointment to you, but can I suggest that you consider invading New Zealand instead? Their only significant defence capability lies with their two Anzac-class frigates, Mulk and Lemb. I have no doubt you'll cream them, and I should know. They were both built in Australia.


Best wishes, John Howard

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