Some Top Tips

It's that time of the evening when TD becomes a bit slow & there isn't much entertainment for the masses assembled here, so I bring to you some Top Tips, courtesey of Viz, which I promise will make you smile.

Enjoy.

KIDS. Threading a piece of string through a ping pong ball and painting it brown is ideal for a fun game of conkers that conforms with the 1974 Health & Safety Act, section 52, paragraph c.

WEATHER presenters. When presenting the forecast, feel free to use both temperature scales for dramatic effect. Use Celsius for cold temperatures (-5?c sounds much colder than 23?F) and Fahrenheit for high temperatures (90?F has much more impact than 32?C).

HOUSEWIVES. Make the normally mundane task of switching the central heating on a little more exciting by singing 'The heating's on' to the tune of 80s hit The Heat is On by Glen Frey as you are doing it.

OLD PEOPLE. Save having to get a flu jab each year by not queuing outside the Post Office every Tuesday morning in the pouring rain an hour before it opens. They won't run out of money. It's not like the queue outside the butcher's during the war.

PARENTS. When people ask how old your child is, they want to know how old he is at the moment. The phrase 'he/she will be five next birthday' involves some tricky calculations and is not very useful.

MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.

RYANAIR passengers. These days they let ALL passengers off the planes, thus eliminating the need to all clamber to the front the second the aircraft lands.

DAILY Mail editors. Confuse your readers by claiming that asylum seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles.

DEFY the government at the start of British Summer Time by refusing to put your clocks forward at 2.00 in the morning. 'Save' the hour for later in the day. You still get your lie-in and you can fast forward your day when it suits you, like when there is nothing on telly.

BOOKSHOP owners. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the 'Fiction' section of your shop where, joking aside, it actually belongs.

BBC sport newsreaders. Save time by not reporting on the progress of Andy Murray in tennis tournaments. I have yet to meet any member of the public who likes the miserable sod.

HOMEOWNERS. When selling your house, replace your furniture with children's tables and chairs, and use a dwarf estate agent. Instantly, your house will seem more roomy than it actually is.

BBC sports newsreaders. Actually, on second thoughts, could you report on Andy Murray when he gets knocked out of a tournament, as this cheers me up immensely, as it does most people I know.

OIL companies. Avoid having the general public pointing the global warming finger at you by putting some pictures of trees and flowers on your websites and adverts.

INITIAL City Link. Instead of the slogan you have painted on the sides of your lorries - "Your reputation in a box? We guarantee it...every time!" why not use the wording of clause 4.5 of your Standard Trading Conditions - "Whilst the Company shall use its reasonable endeavours to comply with any estimate given by the Company to the Customer, any delivery time (including date) given by or on behalf of the Company shall be an estimate only, time shall not be of the essence and shall not be binding upon the Company which shall be under no liability whatsoever, except as provided for in Clause 17, for failure to secure delivery of any Goods by any date or time howsoever caused," which more accurately reflects your approach to the punctual delivery of urgent packages.

ELDERLY drivers. Pressing the pedal on your right will make your car go a little faster. Forget all that rubbish about suffocating at speeds above 15mph, it was all a myth.

SHOE shop staff. If I ask for a size 9, and all you have left are a size 7 or 12, then for future reference, I would rather not 'give them a try.' Call it intuition or whatever, I just don't think they'd fit.

COMMUTERS. Give away the sad fact that your life consists of nothing but grinding routine by standing in the exact spot on the platform where the train doors will be when the service arrives.

BONO. Take the piss by spending thousands of pounds on pink tinted sunglasses then ask the working class to give to charity.

TREASURERS from social clubs. Rather than take the flack for bad book-keeping, accuse the bar-steward of theft.

EXPERIENCE the thrills of a skiing holiday without the expense. Simply sellotape two planks of wood to your feet, sit in your freezer for three hours, then run into a tree as fast as you can.

FOOL your friends into thinking you use expensive butter by simply using cheap margerine and ripping holes in the bread.

MOTORISTS Always have a hot pie in your hands in heavy traffic. Each time the traffic grinds to a halt, just reach for the pie. The instant you place it to your lips the traffic begins to move. This works especially well with the molten lava apple turnovers from KFC.

COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.

MANUFACTURERS of Gilette razors. Leapfrog Wilkinson Sword's inevitable six-bladed response to your new five-blader, and immediately release a seven-bladed razor.

DOG owners. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.

CONVINCE bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.