The reverend.

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly.. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound upon top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

A priest has to go out for a lunch appointment and asks the cleaner to stand in for him in the confession box. The cleaner is a bit concerned, but the priest gives him a notebook, and says "All the punishments are in there".

Shortly after, a woman comes in and tells him that she's committed adultery. He looks in the book and sure enough under the 'A's is "Adultery - Three Hail Marys". He admonishes her and sends her on her way.

Then a man comes in and confesses to shoplifting. He looks up Shoplifting and finds it under 'S', gives the man his punishment and sends him on his way.

Then a girl comes in and says "I gave a stranger a blow job in a pub toilet". He looks under B - no joy. O for Oral Sex? Nothing. F for Fellatio? Nowt.

He sees one of the choirboys and whispers to him "What does the priest normally give for a blow job?".

The lad whispers back "50 pence and a Cadburys Creme Egg".

Father O'Malley was driving down to church when got stopped for speeding. The police officer smelt alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'

'Only water', replied Father O'Malley.

The policeman asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'

The priest looked at the bottle and said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'