A train ride, a bus ride, a thieving taxi driver and a lunatic: A Sunday with Slap

When my recalcitrant offspring approached me on Sunday morning and inquired several thousand times into the possibility that I might take them on their first ever choo-choo train ride, I begrudgingly yielded and resigned myself to the fact that a lazy day in my underpants was to be replaced with several hours of acute stress. Trains are fine when one is alone, but coupled with a pair of demonic delinquents and baying herds of local people, there is potential for things to become very psychologically messy indeed.

We set off from the house; my kids wetting themselves with excitement, me shitting myself with fear, and my wife bringing up the rear just in case I threw a tantrum and hurled myself from a speeding locomotive. The plan was to get on a train, travel the shortest distance possible and travel back home in a taxi.

But upon arriving at the station I was informed that the train which I intended to travel on was not a viable option as it wasn't due for another four hours. I informed my children of this and was met with looks of raw disappointment - only kids can offer up such purity.

With this I bought us tickets to a stop some 40 km's down the line. I say bought, but I paid about 7 baht whilst the Thai people, including my children, travelled for free.

Here we go. Up close and personal with the dregs of a third world civilization. Sharing blood, sweat and no doubt a few tears.

The clock said 11.15. A long and painful day lay ahead..

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I've come to the conclusion that all animals in this country are suicidal..

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All aboard..

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We boarded the train and this being Isaan and a Sunday and a free journey, there was of course no where to sit, although the kids managed to squeeze in beside a sweaty peasant grazing on a betel nut parcel and secure a window seat. I wasn't very happy about this because she was dripping all over the fucking place.

As is customary, the mobile vendors -they of the thoroughly fucking irritating ilk - appeared en masse and quickly went about filling the carriage with scents and aromas synonymous of decomposing flesh - I was almost thankful because it nearly overrode the putrid stench of stale sweat.

I liked this lady though. She only had three words in her sales repertoire: lao, beer, nam. I pretty much had the hots for this wanton hussy at the end of the journey.

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The purveyor of somtam, however, went straight onto 'the list'.

"Somtam, jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?"

I'd rather snog the betel nut muncher, thanks all the same..

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At least the kids were happy, for the time being..

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I'm looking forward to this one :)

where's the rest then?

Hang about. Photobucket is annoying me.

What brand of superglue did you use to keep the little ones sitting so still and angelic.

Things started to go decidedly retarded whilst we were a-chugging through a dense section of jungle..

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The gentlemen highlighted in the above picture turned out to mentally unbalanced whackos with a penchant for thievery - and I'm not talking about pinching a cheeky bottle of water or a small piece of luggage here - one of them actually attempted to snatch and flee with a new born baby.

The carriage was thrown into commotion as who assumed was the grandfather of the child fought him from the abductor's grip after pursuing them up the aisle.
The lunatic, who reeked to high heaven of lau and looked a strong candidate for yabba user of the year, then attempted to ply his trade to a pair of large sacks of rice which an elderly lady had left in faith by her seat whilst she visited the shitter.

He began dragging them up the aisle but was met by their rightful owner as she returned from a train fare fuelled dump.

A huge argument broke out.

Slap activated 'psycho killer' mode.

Should this gentleman dare have the gumption to breach either my children's or my hard fought for space, he'd be making an untimely exit from the train through a closed window.

Dinner-ninner-dinner-ninner-dinner-ninner-dinner-ninner - "SLAPMAN"

I decided to take the advice of a fabled Italian mobster and keep this motherfucker close.

Look at him! (bloke on the right) There's nothing there!

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Originally Posted by somtamslap

hrough a dense section of jungle..

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well logged secondary jungle, with no rest stops

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Originally Posted by harrry

What brand of superglue did you use to keep the little ones sitting so still and angelic.

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First time on a train. None needed. For five minutes anyway :)

nice set of fellow passengers

the thief seems to be fun

where was he going to get off with his loot?

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Originally Posted by DrAndy

the thief seems to be fun

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He was one of the henchmen. The ringleader is actually crouching by the door.

We alighted just in time. I had worked myself up into somewhat of a frenzy and was frantically debating the best means of disposing of these unsavoury gentlemen, one of whom was actually blocking my path to the platform by inconveniently sitting at the door - and you know the trains here give you a maximum of about two seconds grace before shunting from the station - so when I accidentally stood on his leg, he jumped up and let me and the family through..

We exited the station and went in search of food after spurning the obligatory advances of the motorcycle taxi mob. We're British, you fool! We are able to travel 100 metres without the assistance of a motorized vehicle (well, I am anyway)

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Surprisingly, there was a little western stye eatery some five minutes from the station.

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We ad pizza and chips, coz we're 'ard..

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Isn't it interesting that Railway stations are almost all well maintained, clean and beautified by their station masters probably at their own expense. I sometimes wonder why they cannot do that in other places.

The thieving motorcycle taxi driver was a fat, repulsive, sweaty Siamese wanker.

We located him after luncheon had settled courtesy of a mid-afternoon stroll and informed him that we required the use of two bikes in order to escort us to a section of the mittraparp road where we were to catch a bus back home.

Apparently, he was the only fucking taxi driver in the whole town, so my eldest daughter and I went first and I paid the dishonest prick for two journeys.

"I'll be back in a bit with the others" he said, and I had no reason to not believe him. It had taken us about 5 minutes to arrive at the bus stop.

Anyway, after waiting for 30 minutes I was becoming increasingly worried about the whereabouts of my wife and youngest daughter.

After 45 minutes I felt worried enough to get on another motorbike taxi and head back into town, absolutely shitting bricks - I'd heard an ambulance somewhere over yonder and couldn't help but think the worst.

But driving past me the other way they came, being chauffeured on a different bike and a different driver.

Initially I refused to pay, but after five minutes or so he wore me down and got the fucking 20 baht.

The mittraparp road - myself and Palexxx (aka the X-man) did this section on the bikes after a jaunt through Khao Yai a few weeks back - fred to follow.

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I hadn't been on a bus for a few years prior to this jaunt and as soon as the bus pulled over to pick us up I understood why.

The horn emitted an eardrum annihilating 'PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARP' before the precariously balanced vehicle swooped into the stop, nearly flattening every fucker waiting for it.

"Quick! Get on the fucking bus NOW!" The conductor shouted.

Why the fucking haste? Seriously. What's the rush? Just let people form a civilized queue before boarding one by one in an orderly fashion.

Never gonna happen. Never gonna fucking happen at all.

The bus journey was uneventful bar the fact that they had Skyfall playing on the television which severely pissed me off as I got on just as it was climaxing and I haven't seen it yet and was saving it for a rainy day.

Bollocks!

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Originally Posted by harrry

I sometimes wonder why they cannot do that in other places.

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Like their homes, for example..

How much for the pizza and fries combo, fat man?

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Originally Posted by somtamslap

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good post

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Originally Posted by somtamslap

Look at him! (bloke on the right) There's nothing there!

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Looks like a wrong un for sure, Standard garden variety issan nutter

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Originally Posted by withnallstoke

How much for the pizza and fries combo, fat man?

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150 - went way over budget so didn't bother having any tea that evening.

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Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker

Standard garden variety issan nutter

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Very dangerous being in confined spaces with people like that.

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Originally Posted by taxexile

good post

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lovely isn't it.

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Originally Posted by somtamslap

had Skyfall playing on the television which severely pissed me off as I got on just as it was climaxing and I haven't seen it yet and was saving it for a rainy day.

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except for the chase scene at the beginning it is rubbish

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Originally Posted by baldrick

except for the chase scene at the beginning it is rubbish

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the end looked pretty good with that mad fucker from No Country for Old Men going nuts.

Have a green... Good restraint there Slap, If I had seen him try and nic a baby I would have had to throw the bastard off the train.

not much mention of the kids later on

Did they escape?

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Originally Posted by Nokturnal

If I had seen him try and nic a baby I would have had to throw the bastard off the train.

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I was surprised at how unfazed everyone remained. Maybe he's a known state railway quantity.

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Originally Posted by DrAndy

not much mention of the kids later on

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I had to bollock them in the pizza place but otherwise they were very well behaved for a change.