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Sex | Hypochondriac's guide to Thai sex
Here’s a cautionary tale about the shortcomings of Thai condoms from a Mango Sauce reader who wishes to be known only as "Drill Instructor."
On my second night in Bangkok I had a Thai Durex accident. The damn local product failed in the midst of battle without me knowing it. What a nightmare to pull out and see my favorite pocket soldier standing to attention but lacking his flak jacket. The girl saw the horror on my face and said "Mai pen rai... I take pill... I have check-up this month... no problem." Yeah right.
I promptly kicked her out of the room and started to shake as I visualized life with my dick rotted off and my T cells going AWOL. I went down the long list of the STDs I might well get and started thinking about medications. The only problem was that it was 3am, I was drunk and all the pharmacies were closed. Then I had an idea. I would squirt shampoo down the shaft of my pud to kill the microbes that had not already breeched my mucus membrane defenses.
In fact, it turned out to be a very bad idea. Next morning, it hurt so badly when I took a piss that I nearly fainted. This was too soon for it to be "the clap" – only four hours had expired – so I knew I had done damage to myself. Friendly fire incident one might say.
That morning I went to the VD clinic and explained everything to the doctor – including my shampoo preemptive strike. He took a look, shook his head and said something in Thai to the nurse nearby (which no doubt translated "What a dumb fuck of a farang but hey, nice cock!"). There was nothing they were willing to do for me; no flushing it out; no soothing soaking solution; nothing.
I was obviously more worried about HIV and other STDs than the complications of my own "homeopathetic" shampoo therapy. They refused to put me on anti-retroviral therapy but they said it was up to me if I wanted to take drugs for bacterial infections or herpes. I said "fuck yes" and they said go buy them outside, writing down the names "Cipro" and "Acyclovir" in Thai on a piece of paper for me.
After loading up on my new meds, I flushed out my equipment with excessive beer consumption and resigned myself to using two Thai condoms for the rest of the trip.
I learned a number of valuable lessons from this incident.
1. Always bring reliable large farang condoms. I like the Trojan XL in the easy open black and white paper packs (the gold magnums come in aluminum packs that are hard to open if your hands are slippery).
2. Always bring a condom-safe lube and use it regardless of how wet your companion appears to be. Get the good stuff they sell in adult stores ($12 bottle). It is worth it and oh so much more slick than any KY product.
3. Buy meds as soon as you get to LOS because you never know when you might need them. The sooner you take them after taking fire, the better your chances are that no infection will set in. To stop bacterial infections (gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia) in their tracks take Ciprofloxcin (500mg, 2X a day for 5 days) and, for herpes, take Acyclovir (250mg, 5X a day for 5 days).
4. Get a HepB vaccination (two shots over 6 weeks) before you go to the LOS. I'm told this is the most infectious STD in the world but is under appreciated because it only kills you 10-20 years later with liver cancer. There is nothing you can do post-exposure for HIV.
5. Anti-retrovirals are almost as bad as the disease, I hear – expensive and not recommended.
Call me old-fashioned but, when you return from that "golfing holiday" in Pattaya, I think it’s nicer to give the wife a wooden elephant purchased from Don Muang Airport rather than a dose of clap purchased from a Walking Street hooker (See also Hughie Green talks about cock rot).
NB. Ideally, you should obtain these meds before your trip so you can discuss allergies, drug interaction issues and possible adverse side effects with your doctor.
Sex | Hughie Green talks about cock rot
Showman Hughie Green was the most prolific swordsman of his day and fathered enough illegitimate children (including dead pop-tart Paula Yates) to fill a medium sized industrial town. With all that bareback bonking, it stands to reason that he must have known his way around the inside of a clap clinic. Although dead for some years now, Hughie has agreed to answer my questions about coping with a sticky beak in the Kingdom of Thailand. He is assisted, as ever, by his trusty clapometer.
David: Welcome to Mango Sauce Hughie. Tell us about syphilis.
Hughie: This disease was a personal favourite of mine back in the days when I hosted the piss-poor talent contest Opportunity Knocks on ITV but you seldom see it now – just like my show. It exhibits a diverse range of symptoms, culminating in madness and death. Once diagnosed, however, it is easily cured. Clapometer score 15.
David: Pubic lice are an occupational hazard for any man about town in Bangkok. How should we avoid them?
Hughie: If your date is scratching her minge like a reanimated corpse on a coffin lid, then take a look for the tell-tale eggs and blood spots. A condom is no barrier to these microscopic muff-munchers but they are easily eradicated using crab lotion. I launched the careers of celebrities like Bobby Crush, Bernie Flint and Pam Ayres, so I always kept a bottle handy in case they needed it. Clapometer score 5.
David: Chlamydia often has no symptoms but it can cause serious health problems if left untreated - particularly for women. What would your approach be?
Hughie: At my funeral in May 1997, it emerged that I had been a total bastard to women all my life. However, I would still get the disease treated. It can make them infertile and so would interfere with my mission to place a bastard child in every UK home. All you need is a course of pills from the clap quack. Clapometer score 10.
David: Genital warts are common in Thailand. Are they preventable?
Hughie: Only last week I was explaining to my former boss at ATV, the late Lord Grade, that the likelihood of ending up with a warty sausage is reduced but not completely eliminated by condom usage. They can be frozen, zapped with a laser or burnt off using chemicals but, like tired game show formats, they will probably be back next year. Clapometer score 25.
David: Genital herpes is another recurring condition that can sometimes sneak past a condom. How would you regard it?
Hughie: As a present you give a girl so she remembers you for the rest of her life. But seriously, it’s more unsightly than life-threatening but can cause great distress to sufferers fearful that partners will reject them. Personally, I never gave a toss about what any of my women thought. Suppressive drugs are available. Clapometer score 25.
David: Tell us about gonorrhoea
Hughie: In the days when I was a child actor in various long-forgotten stage productions, contracting this disease meant a lifetime pissing hedgehogs through broken glass. It can be cured now, but some strains are a bit stubborn. Clapometer score 20.
David: Though almost unknown in your day, HIV/AIDS has become the scourge of Sub-Saharan Africa and many parts of Asia – including Thailand. How can we protect ourselves?
Hughie: Even though new treatments have become available, a cure remains elusive and the high cost of the pills could be better spent resurrecting a mediocre light-entertainment show. Use a condom and avoid tattoo parlours. Blood transfusions in Thailand are considered safe. Clapometer score 100.
David: Do you have any final thoughts to share with us?
Hughie: Treat this as posthumous fatherly advice from a man who sowed more seed than Massey Ferguson. After all, I am your real dad.
