I'm no longer going to post in the Living in Thailand aka SPAM fest forum, so I'll stick whatever I have to write in here with a flimsy chance that the Nigerian peasant folk won't get me with their incomprehensible 'advertising'. It really is quite offensive that they would consider this marketing strategy to work on fully functional human beings - although saying that my medicine cupboard seems to have subconsciously stocked itself with a rather hearty supply of viagra. Drunken kitten buggery is all the rage down our way at present. I'll teach you to stand in my food you cnuts!
I've just returned from a fortnight sabbatical which gave me the opportunity, almost perpetually, to beat up my children. Infants and holidays simply do not mix, especially when one is situated by unnecessarily large bodies of water i.e. the fucking sea, where it is commonplace to bear witness to youngsters conducting themselves in a manner not unlike a swarm of squirrels strung-out on high grade speed - and there's only so much time Pater can be arsed making unproductive sorties into the filth of the Siamese Gulf.
Nonetheless I returned to Isaan feeling relatively rested. Indeed any time away from the dusty, red soil of the Northeast is most welcomed, although I did find myself cringing away from the saggy skinned Western contingent on a frequent basis. How dare you aim your crinkle cut wads of flesh in my direction - fuck off back to your ghoulash, Ivan, you terrible bastard.
So with a weight having been somewhat lifted from the weathered shoulders of my Isaan scarred psyche, I stepped into the morning sun today with a pleasant sensation of rejuvenation - which of course lasted no more than 10 fucking minutes.
I put on my wellington boots and made my way to the rear of our property with a view to make it look presentable. The heavy rains and blazing sunshine is rather quite conducive to making a jungle of one's garden in approximately 7 billiseconds, so I popped on the gloves and began a spot of weeding. Yes, weeding the fucking jungle.
I'd just began moving a set of concrete tubing which had been used for a previous dragon fruit plantation when I felt one of them get noticeable lighter and heard a thud behind me on the floor.
The status of my underpants was immediately upgraded to extreme 'code red' as I noticed a large cobra some 6 inches from my left wellington boot.
After I'd dropped the tube and ran away extremely fast, Por, who had been working along side me, approached the fucking monster with the repose of a man who was taking an evening stroll along the banks of the Thames, raised his shovel and gave the serpent, who was now slithering towards the shelter of a log/concrete post ensemble, an almighty wallop.
Credit where credit's due, with half of its innards decidedly not being 'in' anymore, the snake continued its journey towards the solace of the log and slipped beneath it.
Por, the nutcase, immediately pounced on the pile of lumber and tried to unearth the beast, but my wife, the ultimate nutcase, told him not to and somehow managed to contain the fucking thing in a plastic bag whilst it was spitting furious amounts of venom at her.