Having found that the fridge was decidedly lacking in the particulars required to construct a sound and nutritious breakfast, I forewent the usual five rounds of fried egg, bacon and sausage sandwiches, each smeared with half a pint of HP sauce and saddled up my bicycle which has recently come out of retirement with a view to make its reluctant owner somewhat less of a large, pointless vegetable.
My destination, as always in times of crisis, was the local shop where if one is lucky, something that resembles edible fare may be happened upon whilst rooting through the cascade of filth that the shop-keeper has the sheer gumption to put on display – although it does, for reasons totally unfathomable to the contemporary human palate, get purchased and consumed. I, on the other hand, would prefer not to wake up in a puddle of my own filth and eventually opted for a packet of Mama Noodles which I ate dry from the bag after applying the accompanying condiments. Washed down with a five baht bottle of coca-cola, this made for a totally unsatisfactory way to break-fast, so I quickly surmised that I should call for back-up as a shot glass and a small bottle of Lau Khao appeared on the table after a knowing glance was exchanged with the proprietor; yes, this would surely bring some closure to the repast.
Of course with the sacred liquid now present, it was only a matter of time before I noticed a posse of peasants whose forte included sporadic bouts of unskilled labour and the unyielding consummation of Ya-Dong, heading excitedly in the direction of my face. More glasses were produced and soon the steady flow of alcohol began to divert my attention from the whoft of decay which seemed to be seeping from the pores of my new drinking companions.
Communicating with an animated series of grunts, the chaps began to tell me of their plans for the day. The morning would be spent staggering to the nearest lake, making sure they were suitably intoxicated by the time they arrived and an afternoon of fishing would ensue.
With a shove in the right direction from the Lao Khao, I began to vocally reminisce my teenage years which in one way or another always seemed to feature a ‘rod in hand situation’ – be it waiting patiently for a roach to take a chomp of bait or wanking profusely over episodes of Home and Away.
Although fishing for me was never really about the fish, no, it was the relaxation and escapism factors that went with it which I was attracted to. A pint of maggots in one hand, three litres of Old English Cider in the other and an ounce of extremely powerful cannabis safely ensconced in my tackle box, all ready to be nibbled, quaffed and inhaled within the uncontested English countryside, the only distractions coming in the form of elderly dog-walkers making observations such as ‘lovely day for it’ or ‘that’s a long cigarette’.
Back in the present and I decided to challenge the gentleman about their angling technique; what kind of fish were they hoping for; did they use floats or ledgers; what was their preferred hook size; did they require a landing net; did they pre-bate the swim; did they feel the maggot trumps the worm?
My questions were met with looks of puzzlement as one of the chaps produced a pair of fucking electric tongs from a carrier bag, immediately making all of my previous queries academic. Having just romanticized my teenage angling experiences I felt a touch deflated when I realized that these people were going to plunge a pair of electric charged rods into the lake and electrocute every fucker living in it.
One man’s leisure is another man’s lunch, I managed to reason before ordering ‘one more of those bottles of filth for me and me mates please, bar-steward’.