Home Invasion - Issan Style

[somtamslap]

Yesterday evening, bar myself and my eldest daughter, our village was deserted. The petrol station, closed. The village shop, closed. The fruit stalls, closed. The village barber, closed. The house of ill-repute, closed. The capenter's work shop, closed.
The temple, packed to the rafters.

Yes, something decidely spiritual was taking place within the grounds of the local 'wat'. I have NO idea WHAT was going on in the WAT because I have no inclination to take part in superficial sermons which invariably see me reluctantly routing around in the trouser for lose change. Callous beggary is what these occasions essentially equate to.

Come dusk the village was eerily silent. Even the wildlife had seemingly upped and buggered off, although the occasional howl of sexually frustrated hounds could be heard comin from the depths of the surrounding darkness.

I had just finished a large award winner, the last gulps of which I complimented with a cigarette whilst sitting on my execuitive swivel chair on the balcony.

I returned to my seat on the sofa after having left the front door, which opens onto the living room, ajar in order to get some fresh country air circulating around the premises.
I continued to watch Barbie and the Three Musketeers (which is actually fucking excellent) even though my daughter had fallen asleep some 30 minutes before.

I had just reached the best part of the film, the bit where the old cleaning lady reveals herself to be a hard fuck with mad ninja skills, when I felt a definite presence in the room with me.

I looked through the window out onto the balcony but was met with nothing but darkness.

I turned to the kitchen where the only life to speak of was the kettle, stoically heating water for a forth coming cup of tea.

Then I looked directly behind me.

What I saw will stay with me forever.

An elderly female who very much resembled something you hear about in ghost stories, stood rooted to the spot behind me, unflinchingly staring in my direction.

The first thing I did after shitting my pants was to charge from the sofa towards her, sporting my best impression of a homicidal lunatic. I then opened a short and sharp dialogue - 'GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU CAAANT!'

Her demeanour remained the same. She simply continued staring at me. Not maliciously..but a bowel loosening, piercing stare.

This time I physically accosted her and pushed the old fucker out onto the balcony..'fuck off, you zombie kunt, or make a move. I'm ready to smash your jaw to pieces here' the dialogue continued in English.

Seconds later she made her move, and what a devastating blow it was.

'Yeeeeeeeeesip bahttttttttt' she offered in a ghostly whisper.

'Fuck off, mai me tang' I offered back.

'Sipppppp bahttttttt' her persistance was to be congratulated.

'Fuck off, NOW!' as was my obstinate resolve.

'Haaaaaaa bahtttttttt' she continued.

'Oh, fuck it, go on then', the old trout had finally worn me down. 'But I wouldn't suggest doing that again' I advised her, 'Because I WILL fuck you up, capiche?'

She took her five baht and buggered off into the night.

Come to Issan, where old ladies creep into your house, stare at you and demand your small change.

I'm considering a move to the Gaza Strip.

[somtamslap]

Imagine this old twat creeping up behind you - you'd shat it, would you not.

[sabaii sabaii]

She took her five baht and buggered off into the night.

She'll be back

[billy the kid]

good value for 5 baht
5 baht !!!

[somtamslap]

She'll be back

I double dare the tart. Although I must admit I ordered a rape alarm from Macro today. One can never be too careful.

[withnallstoke]

Thats it somtam, you fuxxing mad twat.
If you think i'm dipping one toe into your barking mad existence, you can think again.

It's bad enough the farm is overrun by serpents bulls and chickens, that you are armed with an arsenal of home made weapons, that the house is visited by crones on the cadge, and you have now taken to wearing second hand ladies cast off dresses.

Do you fancy a pint in Bangers instead?

[sabaii sabaii]

A bit worrying that she popped in unnoticed,

Don't you have a dog anymore ?

Next time it could be a Mad axeman, rapist or even more weorryingly..... Withnallstoke


Edit: ^ Talk of the devil

[somtamslap]

Do you fancy a pint in Bangers instead?

AKA a guaranteed night in a police holding cell?

I tend to think not, withnall, old chap..

[harrybarracuda]

She'll be back

I double dare the tart. Although I must admit I ordered a rape alarm from Macro today. One can never be too careful.

Get yourself one of them tasers, Slap.

Tase the bitch and see if she can do a passable impression of this:



If she can, that's gotta be worth sip baht.

[BaitongBoy]

Yes, something decidely spiritual was taking place within the grounds of the local 'wat'. I have know idea WHAT was going on in the WAT

Phase of the moon changing in the next few days...the ghosts are running rampant...

[withnallstoke]

AKA a guaranteed night in a police holding cell?

That sounds distinctly better than the alternative.

[somtamslap]

That sounds distinctly better than the alternative.

You can't back out now! I've already booked granny and I'm buggered if I'm paying the cancellation fee!

[artist]

Sure thats not your mother in law in the picture

[sabaii sabaii]

Are you sure she never nicked anything Slap ?

Check the floor

News: Farang's home burgled, calling card left..

[somtamslap]

Sure thats not your mother in law in the picture

No, the mother in law has been LEARNT.
In fact, so have all the in-laws.
Violent, alcohol induced rampaging around the farm yard is not only fun at the time but leaves a lasting message for all present - 'Approach this gentleman with extreme caution'.

[The Muffinman]

Come to Issan, where old ladies creep into your house, stare at you and demand your small change.

That's just fucking mental...Baseball bat in the back of the head should do the trick next time.

I'm considering a move to the Gaza Strip.

I hear Yemen is quite nice this time of year.

[somtamslap]

Check the floor

No need, SS..quite sure the old goat had reached the age at which shatting in a bag is required.

I hear Yemen is quite nice this time of year.

Yemen, North Korea, Gaddafi Loyalist Libya..the list goes on and on..

[withnallstoke]

You can't back out now! I've already booked granny and I'm buggered

Go on then you smooth talking bastard.
Count me in.

[somtamslap]

You can't back out now! I've already booked granny and I'm buggered

Go on then you smooth talking bastard.
Count me in.

Strap-on action with granny? It won't come cheap, you know? But I'll tell her to start prepping the dungeon if that's what you're after.

[sabaii sabaii]

Hey, you 3,

get a room

[khmen]

Ha ha, this one really had me in stitches! Just greened you for your motorbike saga but consider yourself greened again for this one.

[nigelandjan]

Still at a bit of a loss as to what you got for 5 baht ,, times are hard worldwide

[Tickiteboo]

^ Got her out the house that's what ! There's one like her in our village as well - everyone reckons she's harmless, but the old crow scares the bejasus outta me.

[rickschoppers]

^
Get yourself a bigass dog that likes you and will protect you from intruders. Either the intruders will poison them or pull back a bloody stump.

[somtamslap]

Still at a bit of a loss as to what you got for 5 baht

I like your way of thinking, Nige. Perhaps I should've asked the old trout for a cheeky gobble in return.