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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Fresh Out Of Klong Pai Jail

    Three unfamiliar faces greeted me at my local drinking emporium yesterday evensong. One immediately thrust a shot glass in the direction of my face and with a toothless grin shouted at me to ‘drink it!’ Another, who was covered in tattoos which looked like they’d been administered by an acute Parkinson’s sufferer, glared at me with such fucking malice that you would’ve thought I’d just likened his dear old mother to a disabled orangutan with tourettes; which incidentally most middle-aged women tend to resemble around these parts. A third party was simultaneously shouting obscenities in the vague direction of his bottom-end Nokia mobile telephone and urinating in a neighbouring sugar cane plantation, so as I breached the entrance of the watering hole (shop if you like) an introduction had yet to be made, although if his extension was anything akin to his ink- donned, sociopathic acquaintance then he could take it and ram it with a fucking sledge hammer – I felt like readdressing Mr. Demonic Glarer and informing him that manners indeed go a long way and are totally free of charge – so the price is right. Peasant!

    Of course, the usual suspects were already in attendance and as is their wont, in an advanced state of intoxication. When I say ‘advanced’ I don’t mean a little raucous or a loss of inhabitations, no, I’m talking unconscious piles on the floor which must be stepped over to gain access to the fucking refrigerator. I tip-toed past a semi-conscious rice harvesting operator who was clutching an M150 bottle full of liquid death to his chest like a crucifix – disturbing him from his dormant state of being would’ve immediately incited 15 minutes of incomprehensible clap-trap, so stealth was imperative here.

    After relieving the fridge of a large bottle of a high-end Australian Award Winning lager beer, I turned around only to find myself the focal point of the gentleman of crop urination fame. He moved towards me with such momentum and purpose that I found my grip subconsciously tightening on the recently liberated Australian Award Winning beverage with a view to smash it over the on-coming psychopath’s face. In hindsight this would’ve probably been the most appropriate course of action. As well as sporting the, what appeared to be very much ‘en vogue’ selection of half-baked scrawl that apparently passes as a tattoo nowadays, this chap had taken it upon himself to decorate his facial features with two tones of scrap metal. Everywhere you looked there were hoops, studs, chains, iron fucking bars etc, so you can imagine my horror when the Tin Man here, greeted me like some long lost blood brother who had once dragged him from a burning vehicle.

    There’s normally only one explanation for such homosexual behavior and I would’ve bought him the ten baht shot of lau khao if he hadn’t of so openly begged for it – come now, have some fucking dignity!

    I sort out a seat next to the gentleman of demonic glaring fame, took several large, thirsty gulps of lager, lit a tailor-made cigarette with tall flame from disposable lighter and proceeded to question the newcomers.

    “So, gentlemen” I said. “What is it that brings you to our neck of the woods?”

    “We live here” replied Metal Mickey, eyeing my Award Winning ale like Gollum.
    “Is that so?” I mused vocally. “Well, if this is the case, gentlemen, then why is it I haven’t happened upon your, quite frankly, hideous presence previously?”

    “We’ve just spent four years in Klong Pai Correctional Facility for aggravated assault with a loaded weapon.” Mr. Shotglass piped up.

    With this, Mr. Demonic Glarer shuffled uncomfortably in his seat. Now I understood the reason behind his perpetual bad mood; he’d just been buggered senseless for four years.

    I’m hoping this trio of individuals don’t plan on making the shop a regular haunt. We’ve no need for such riff-raff here, thank you very much.
    Last edited by somtamslap; 23-07-2011 at 05:28 PM.

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat
    alwarner's Avatar
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    ha ha - it's film-esque that, young man. A film that has a nasty ending.

    I bet they are charming men really. Just misunderstood. Lets hope they didn't get fitted up by a farang!

  3. #3
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    Begbie's Avatar
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    ^^Your Thai must be very be very good Somtam or were these criminals english speakers. Scousers ?

  4. #4
    Thailand Expat
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    his Thai is pretty solid, like, la.

  5. #5
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alwarner
    I bet they are charming men really
    I was thorougly dissapointed with the glarer to be honest. I understand his anus has just been ripped to shreds but there's no need to be rude about it.



    Quote Originally Posted by Begbie
    Your Thai must be very be very good Somtam or were these criminals english speakers
    We were engaged in the international language of Lau Khao - in which everyone is fluent in everything.

  6. #6
    Sprayed On Member
    The Fresh Prince's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    We were engaged in the international language of Lau Khao - in which everyone is fluent in everything.
    Even I can speak that!

  7. #7
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    i live 2 mins away,visting days are something to behold ...

  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Fresh Prince
    Even I can speak that
    It's definitely one of the easier languages to get to grips with...

  9. #9
    The Dentist English Noodles's Avatar
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    Don't worry, they are probably already on a bus down to Pattaya.


  10. #10

    R.I.P.


    dirtydog's Avatar
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    ^What the scousers or somtams mates?

  11. #11
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    I'm suspicious of any out-of-the-way country shops that stock any such high-end Aussie award winners.

  12. #12
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rural Surin
    I'm suspicious of any out-of-the-way country shops that stock any such high-end Aussie award winners.
    Yep, proudly imprinted on every can or bottle are the words 'Gold Medal' folllowed by the acronym 'A.I.B.A' . It's only upper-class toffs such as myself that are permitted sampling..

  13. #13
    Fuck it
    Satonic's Avatar
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    A.I.B.A

    Had a few nights with my mates, drunk thinking of the strangest things that could stand for

    Hazard a guess?

  14. #14
    The Dentist English Noodles's Avatar
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    Asia Is Best Avoided.


  15. #15
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satonic
    A.I.B.A
    An Ill Brewed Arsehole

  16. #16
    Thailand Expat Bobcock's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    he’d just been buggered senseless for four years.
    Sounds like you won't have to work too hard to get in there then.... reckon you have yourself a new bitch.

  17. #17
    CCBW JPPR2's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    We were engaged in the international language of Lau Khao - in which everyone is fluent in everything.
    ^I have never had Lau Khao. I finally asked my GF just WTF it is....She looked at me, her eyes went cross eyed, She laughed. She then had a few silly imitations of people she has seen that have drank it followed by a neck wobble and subsequent face plant on the ground. She followed her animated display with a comment that "Everybody makes it different and the side affects are unknown". She says the stuff is NFG and can kill you... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    I have to believe she is describing what I would call liquid ACID...Am I close?

  18. #18
    sabaii sabaii
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Australian Award Winning lager beer,
    hahahahahahahahahahahahah



    hohohohoho hehe

  19. #19
    Days Work Done! Norton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JPPR2
    I have to believe she is describing what I would call liquid ACID...Am I close?
    Close enough. You can drink it and become insane. Oft used as a paint remover, rust remover, weed killer, and insect poison. A common aphrodisiac, rendering the object of your desire into an unconscious state of bliss. Truly a wonderful all purpose product.
    Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

  20. #20
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JPPR2
    Everybody makes it different and the side affects are unknown".
    Yes they do, but I'm talking run-of-the-mill see-sib degree, here. It's good shit, man...





    Quote Originally Posted by Bobcock
    Sounds like you won't have to work too hard to get in there then.... reckon you have yourself a new bitch.
    Yep, easy pickings - although he's probably selling his arse in the bus station bogs now..too late, darn it..



    Quote Originally Posted by sabaii sabaii
    hahahahahahahahahahahahah
    What? But it is though..

  21. #21
    sabaii sabaii
    Guest
    I hope you don't mind Slap, but I've condensed all that for ya



    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Three unfamiliar faces
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    glared at me
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    toothless grin
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    the price is right
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    One immediately thrust
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    in the direction of my face
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    an introduction had yet to be made
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    in the vague direction of his bottom-end
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I breached the entrance
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    After relieving
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    myself
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    urinating in a neighbour
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    He moved
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    with such momentum and purpose
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I found my grip subconsciously tightening
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    decorate his facial features
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    ‘drink it!’
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    one explanation for such homosexual behavior
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Australian Award Winning lager

  22. #22
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^ I swear you've been spying on me...

  23. #23
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Norton
    You can drink it and become insane
    Yes. One of the blokes who is bang on the stuff, freaks out massively if he hasn't had a fix. Starts charging himself into trees, smashing his head on the road, runs about the place like a headless chicken etc - "Can someone lend this man five baht, PLEASE!?"

  24. #24
    R.I.P.
    patsycat's Avatar
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    Is that the stuff that tastes like TCP?

  25. #25
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by patsycat
    tastes like TCP?
    Sounds like a nice little tipple!

    No, this stuff tastes like how tupentine smells..

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