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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Cobra Attack: The Wave Takes One For The Team

    What a bastard species of reptile snakes are turning out to be. In fact, all reptiles can jolly well fucking simultaneously evaporate themselves from the interface of my existance. I used to like geckos until they made it a hobby to loiter above my head and shat on me, twice in the same week surely can't be a coincidence..as Axl Rose once screamed, "THERE OUT TO GET ME!"

    So there I was cruisng the country lanes of rural Thailand on my trusty steed ( I love her again now, she took one for the team, actually thinking about it she may have saved my life), when my mobile communcation device (some call it a telephone) rudely interupted my finely creased slacks by buzzing like a fucker. Yes, yes, yes..you horrible fucker, I get it.
    Being one of the more sensible citizens of this country, I pulled over into a ditch to take the call.
    Some 30 or so seconds into it, out of the corner of my right eye I noticed a large black slithering thing heading with intent across the road in my fucking direction, as in right towards me.
    Being about 5 feet long it didn't take long for it to reach me and I quickly back pedalled the stationery bike to avoid it.
    As soon as I started to move the fucking bastard lunged at me, so I back pedalled a bit faster, Fred Flinstone stylee and left my Wave's front wheel face to face with this lunatic reptile.
    I can tell you that if the bike's front tyre was human it would've expired within minutes, because this fucking snake was HAVING it.
    A good six bites later and it buggered off into a nearby thicket.

    Slightly shaken, but of course not stirred, I sparked a smoke and carried on with my phone conversation.

    Such is the life of a country dweller.

    But this is war..

  2. #2

    R.I.P.


    dirtydog's Avatar
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    What, no pics?

  3. #3
    Member Strongarm's Avatar
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    Fuck me sideways, I would have shat all over meself, the only good snake is a dead snake!

  4. #4
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    Didn't puncture the tyre then Somtam?? Sounds like you had a near brush with death !

  5. #5
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    All I can say is it's a bloody good job you hadn't stopped for a piss.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Being one of the more sensible citizens of this country, I pulled over into a ditch to take the call.
    You may have to rethink your position on the Sensible-O-Meter now, Slap.

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dirtydog
    What, no pics?
    It was all too quick. Plus the fact I was chatting on my 'camera' when the incident took place.
    Quote Originally Posted by Strongarm
    Fuck me sideways, I would have shat all over meself
    The whoft of fecal matter was indeed present.
    Quote Originally Posted by yortyiam
    Didn't puncture the tyre then Somtam?? Sounds like you had a near brush with death !
    Second time with a cobra - I officially hate snakes..
    Quote Originally Posted by harrybarracuda
    All I can say is it's a bloody good job you hadn't stopped for a piss
    I'm prepared with a small knob for such situations - gotta think one step ahead of the enemy.


    Quote Originally Posted by WilliamBlake
    You may have to rethink your position on the Sensible-O-Meter now, Slap
    Totally. I now consider myself to be of local mentality..and that hurts, it hurts like bastard.

  8. #8
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    I'd be knocking up some brackets with a view to fitting that weapon of yours to the front of the 'Wave Somtam. . Additionally you could shoot people in arse if they incured your displeasure! . Just a thought...

  9. #9
    sabaii sabaii
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    It was all too quick. Plus the fact I was chatting on my 'camera' when the incident took place
    6 bites ??

    did it fly off ?

    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    The whoft of fecal matter is indeed present.


    no pics, no cred

    Last edited by sabaii sabaii; 15-06-2011 at 09:02 PM.

  10. #10
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sabaii sabaii
    6 bites ?? did it fly off ?
    You're obviously not au fait with pyschotic reptiles, young Jedi.
    Six bites in about 3 seconds. They don't fuck about round here.

  11. #11
    sabaii sabaii
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    Look, there's no loss of kudos for putting your hands up and just admitting,
    You pissed and shat your pants, was frantically crying like a baby to your mate on the phone begging him for advice and when the 2 foot rat snake did slither off, you were too busy shaking to get a shot


  12. #12
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^ Shit! Were you there?!!

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    trusty steed
    You still got that thing; you promised months ago you were gonna dump it...

    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Being one of the more sensible citizens of this country, I pulled over into a ditch to take the call.
    Bastard Blakey beat me to it...

    Anyways Slaps, Terry57 is the TD snake guru, especially King Cobras; he wrestled a 10 metre King Cobre in KPG, back in the day...

    So, what was it:

    a)


    or

    B)
    How do I post these pictures???

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    I'm prepared with a small knob for such situations - gotta think one step ahead of the enemy.
    Lucky your knob is not like a snake's, mate ! Some of them are everted....turned inside out !

    Double Penis - Softpedia

    Though two of them would present interesting possibilities.....

  15. #15
    splendid and tremendous
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    Actually chaps, I decided that since the authenticity of my story was being questioned that I'd go back to the scene of the crime and take some pictures.

    Within minutes of arriving I located the sick fuck, took a quick piccie, slayed it with my bare hands and whipped up a quick pad krapow for the village kids.

    All in a day's work...


  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Actually chaps, I decided that since the authenticity of my story was being questioned that I'd go back to the scene of the crime and take some pictures.

    Within minutes of arriving I located the sick fuck, took a quick piccie, slayed it with my bare hands and whipped up a quick pad krapow for the village kids.

    All in a day's work...

    You have a new telephoto lens it seems.

    The snake MAY kill you. You have certainly killed half the village with your pad krapow.
    A tray full of GOLD is not worth a moment in time.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    Bastard Blakey beat me to it...
    I've never been so insulted in all my life!

    Actually, there was this one time, at band camp...

  18. #18
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    The Wave Takes One For The Team.

    More like your Bridgestone took one for the team mate.

    Probably went it because it was hot as snakes sense heat.

  19. #19
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    snakes rarely bite for no reason. Best way is to retreat slowly and the snake will slide off and do what snakes do,, relax

  20. #20
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    Thats not slaps go mate,he's the TD great white hunter.

  21. #21
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by robinyates
    snakes rarely bite for no reason
    This was an unprovoked attack -totally. I mean, I know I'm mega tough and what not but I don't tend to pick on large, extremely venomous snakes armed with nothing but a weathered moped.

  22. #22
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by robinyates
    snakes rarely bite for no reason
    This was an unprovoked attack -totally. I mean, I know I'm mega tough and what not but I don't tend to pick on large, extremely venomous snakes armed with nothing but a weathered moped.
    You said the same thing about the Chickens and the Cats. Where are they all now, dead.

    You have previous form in this area. The snakes have ears and are out to torment you now.

    Be afraid very afraid
    A tray full of GOLD is not worth a moment in time.

  23. #23
    Newbie Tassman's Avatar
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    Great story!
    Odd as it is,
    I had a similar story I just told it to a friend a few days ago.
    It has been a number of years, so I have not told it (my story) in a while.

    I went to the Seven Water Falls (Phuket)?

    Coming down hill at near dusk; one was in front of me, (Black Cobra)
    No pics, I was also too slow.

    I realized later how lucky I was, the snake was in front of me (for 10-20 seconds at the most) in the leaves and debris.
    Lucky that the snake was ahead of me going down hill and not behind me....

    Whew!

  24. #24
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    If a black cobra chases you run in a zigzag fashion, downhill.

    They'll catch you if you go uphill.

    I was told by some wise old geezer once.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pol the Pot
    If a black cobra chases you run in a zigzag fashion, downhill.

    They'll catch you if you go uphill.

    I was told by some wise old geezer once.

    So what did he say do if you are on the flat, like most of Thailand?

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