The Issan Goodfellas

[somtamslap]

Just watched Goodfellas for the umpteenth time a few nights ago and I couldn't but help notice the similarities between the Sicilian mob and this plastic bunch of no hopers here in Issan who reckon they're a bit woo, a bit way and a bit tasty cos they bought a gun from their mate for the price of a of a packet of cheap smokes. The fucking things probably fire off caps or ball bearings but they love a bit of gun waving and toting some of this lot..makes them think their bollocks are adult sized and stuff..

Anyway, this is what Goodfellas would sound like in Issan: (In a nutshell of course)

To me, being a part-time unskilled labourer with a serious alcohol and Yabba addiction was better than being the Prime Minister of Thailand.

Even before I picked my first bunch of bananas, helping out Old Uncle Knobstain for an after school job, I knew that this was the vocation for me.

It was in a ditch by the side of the road clutching an empty lau kau bottle after walking off the job completely fucking wankered, that I knew I belonged.

To me, it meant being somebody in a neighbour full of people doing exactly the same thing.

They weren't like anyone else, they did whatever they wanted. (Didn't even need to change that part)

They parked their tractors in the middle of the road and the police didn't seem to give a shit, mainly because there weren't any fucking police within a 50 mile radius.

One day...one day, some neighbourhood kids carried my mother-in-law's stinking, rotten, plastic bags full of filth all the way home.

Know why?

Cos I gave the little fuckers 100 bt to do so, no fucker does anything for free round here..

[somtamslap]

One day I got home from a hard day in the fields and my Father was waiting with a letter from school.

" 6 fucking weeks absent!!" He screamed at me..

" I told you to stop going there 6 months ago!"

The beating was harsh but fair. I knew going to school was the wrong thing to do, but I had the urge to learn something once in a while and since we didn't possess one single work of literature my vocabulary slowly dwindled to the occasional satisfactory grunt whilst grazing on a basket of sticky rice.

" I can't come to school anymore", I informed the Headmaster of the local temple's educational den which consisted of two sheds and 4 students, so one of the sheds was stripped down and used to extend the Headmaster's terrace.

" You fucking what, you little bastard, who told you this, you've gotta learn about Buddha and shit like that".

I showed him the lacerations I'd recieved after the pummelling, father had administered.

"He got a letter from the school, he doesn't like me coming here", I noted.

"Right, which fucker sent that note, tell me, tell me now, damn you"

"It was you".

"Right, here's 100baht, get little Somchai and his mates from the farm to beat the living shit out of me and threaten to put my head in a barbeque if I send anymore letters".

"Will, do. Got any spare Lau Kau?"

"Fuck off you little shit, this stuff doesn't grow in fields you know".

[The Fresh Prince]

Brilliant!

[Ningi]

well somtam, really glad you have enlightened me about the nohope wannabe hoods in Isaan, Have you faced them down to see if they really are only cap pistols or bb guns, I was witness to the murder of a mate who did just that it cost him is life, would love to see you shooting your mouth off to some of these people face to face!!

[somtamslap]

really glad you have enlightened me about the nohope wannabe hoods in Isaan

You're welcome..

I was witness to the murder

Sorry to hear that, I've seen a few too..( I was just being light hearted)..no need to cry about it..

would love to see you shooting your mouth off to some of these people face to face!!

That's not very nice is it now..I'm quite safely tucked up behind my computer screen, thanks very much..

[Rigger]

I guess Ningi is just wound a little to tight.

[somtamslap]

^ He didn't like it did he..

Unfortunately I've got a whole movie to direct here.

[somtamslap]

There was Somjit and Somchai and me, and there was Bumchit the Bumhole and Cumjit the Junky and Bonzai the Buggery Master and Thomboon two times, nicknamed cos he always said everything twice..." Another lau kau, another lau kau"

Somjit: So there I am, lying in the middle of a rice field with a slingshot lodged in my underpants after robbing the local bank. I've got literally tens of one baht coins in a little purse my wife crotched for me and some cocksucking man in brown asks what I'm doing..

I'm resting, I tell him.

Out here in a fucking rice paddy, he says..

Of course, if I lay still for a while a fish might swim in my mouth, I haven't had dinner yet..

BULLSHIT, says the cop..you're gonna tell me something and tell it me now..

Ok, here's something..go fuck yer mother, I reply..

Good idea, he says and hurridly rushes out of the bushes...

ME: Hahahahahahahah...you're one funny guy, Somjit.

Somjit: Eh?

ME: You're like well funny, innit..

Somjit: You saying I've got a Burmese accent or something?

ME: No, you're just sanook to be around.

Somjit: Sanook? fucking sanook? I'm here to make you spill your lau kau down your fucking vest am I???

ME: No, I just erm...

Somjit: Someone give me a catapult, I'm gonna ice this bitch.

ME: Another lau kau, Somjit?

Somjit: Why, what a kind offer...fill me up then..and this guy thought I was serious!!

ME: You really ARE sanook!

Somjit: Fuck off, a jokes a joke yer prick..

[Ciaphas]

Can't wait for Part II

[somtamslap]

I'd just gotten married to my barnyard sweetheart, Tittyporn and things were going great. She was a great fuck, didn't cry about getting beaten when I'd come home a few sheets to the wind and most importantly, ALWAYS made sure the rice cooker was bubbling away.
The rice cooker you see, is kind of the back-bone of a relationship here in the ghetto, if it runs dry, motherfuckers start getting a bit tetchy.

So, I've just eaten a bowl of rice, with a boiled egg, a light drizzling of fish sauce and some garlic. Tittyporn had a great way of preparing the garlic so it would dissolve in the oil as soon as it was dropped in the pan; throw in the whole fucking bulb and beat it to a pulp with a hammer..yep, quite the keeper was Tittyporn.

Stomach full, I clambered onto my beaten and battered Honda Dream and set off on the 10 metre journey to the pub/shop/pit.

I didn't recognize him at first but as I completed the last 2 metres of the drive, his face became clear.

It was Boonchu Batts. He'd just been released after a 5 year bit in Klong Pai for being a twat.

Batts: Heeeey, Ya Dongs all around..come here, Somjit. Well, look at little Somjit, all dressed up and ready to do the farm. *Hugs Somjit*

Somjit: Hey, watch the fucking 'fuck off you fucking fuck' t-shirt, I found this on the side of the road just last week.

Batts: You little prick, I've known you since you were this high to a gecko's left testicle.

Somjit: Just don't break my balls.

Batts: If I wanted to break your balls I'd tell you to run along and get your chicken shit removing tool. We used to call this guy 'Shit Removal Somjit'..he'd take a flip flop and scrape every crevice with his tool..you'd have a shit free shoe in no time.

Somjit: No more shit removing, Boonchu, things have changed.

[somtamslap]

Boonchu Batts: Sorry, I didn't mean any disrespect.

Somjit: Well, you know that us lot are incapable of wit or sarcasm so I took you seriously.

Batts: Now go home a fetch your shit removal tool.

Somjit: Motherfucking cockroach!!

Batts: Someone put a leash on this mutt.

Somjit: Keep him here, I'm nipping home to fetch a farming implement of some description.

Batts: I used to bugger kids like that up in the nick, coming in here and ruining my party like that.

Somchai: You did insult him a bit.

*The shop empties and Somjit returns swinging a shovel around like an untamed gorilla*

Bang bang bang bang, goes the shovel on Batts' head..

Somchai is also joining in the impromptu execution with swift decisive flip flopped kicks to the torso.

The lifeless figure of Boonchu Batts lays in a pool of blood on the floor of the shop.

Somjit: Right let's bundle him on the back of my Wave and take him out into the woods, although we'll have to stop at my mothers for another shovel. This one broke after the second blow.

[kmart]

Good stuff. I have a "Tittyporn" working in my office who looked over when I burst out laughing reading this.

Keep 'em coming.

[somtamslap]

"Tittyporn"

Such a descriptive name isn't it...

We arrived at Somjit's Mother's house after a fairly routine 20 minute drive on the Honda Wave.

There was Somjit driving, me on the back riding pillion, Somchai sitting in the basket and Boonchu Batts' dead body squeezed in under the seat.

* thump thump thump*

"What the fuck's that?" asked Somjit, still slightly out of breath from his shovel waving antics.
"Fuck, it better not be another puncture"

* thump thump thump *

"It's that bastard, Batts" Somchai yelled from the basket.

We dismounted and cautiously teased the seat open. Boonchu Batts was flinching within the cramped confies of the motorcycle.

Somjit quickly finished him off by filling his anus with a fistful of chinese fire crackers and touching a 5 baht disposable lighter to them..BOOM..

Mrs. Somjit greeted us at the door.

" Somjit you little fucker! Got any money?"

" Ma", Somjit replied, " We're hungry and I need to borrow a shovel. We've got to bury some dead twat whose under the bike seat. Mind if we pop him in your garden, the soil could do with a few extra nutrients if you want a better chili crop next year?".

"For fuck's sake, alright then" said Somjit's mother giving him an effectionate tug on the cheek.
"Ere, there's some rice in the pot and some putrid rotten fish on the work top there. I think the rats and the flies are done with it now.

"Thanks Mrs. Somjit" remarked Somchai.

And we all sat down crosslegged on the floor and ate our food.

[somtamslap]

At our local shop, a young lad we used to call Gecko would more often than not be found. He was part of the crew, you know, jobless, homeless, personal hygiene non existent, rampant alcoholic and generally retarded. He fit into the mob fairly well although he was definitely at the bottom when it came to the order of the peck.

You see, Gecko had made it through grades 1-9 at school. This made him some what of a misfit, so we'd use him as our slave and anything that was needed from the shop, he'd get.

One barmy Tuesday evening after we'd completed a hard day toiling in a pig pen, Gecko arrived with a tray of M150 bottles full of Lau Kau. He deftly moved the tray around the gaggle of peasants sat at the round concrete table which was hideously over painted, if you can fathom that thought. I'll put it like this, who ever designed and painted them must be perpetually on tab of the strongest acid known to man.

Somjit, having arrived late missed out on the round of drinks that Gecko was serving.

Somjit: So where's mine then you little fuck? What am I, a fucking leper?

Gecko: Well, since you mention it, I was wondering.

Somjit: You educated piece of shit!!

With this, Somjit pulled out a immitation Swiss Army Knife from his bermuda shorts and started waving it wildly at Gecko.

Somjit: I'll educate you, you little rat.

Gecko: Buddha, Somjit, take it easy with that thing.

Somchai: Yeh, come on Somjit, jai yen yen.

Somjit: Fuck, jai yen yen, this motherfucker right here is jai rorn mak mak.

And with that, Somjit stabbed Gecko in the arm with the smaller of the two blades on his knife.

Gecko: Ouch, that hurt.

Somchai: Damn it , Somjit, are you fucking crazy?? Someone get a band aid, right now!

Gecko: It's ok, I don't think it broke the skin.

Somjit: It will next time you low life school going geek.

[somtamslap]

Just stumbled across this in the dvd shop..