Up Country Massage Parlours

[somtamslap]

I could see the orange and green neon lit sign through squinted eyes some 20 metres ahead.
The rain was becoming more and more spiteful and a brisk wind blew a surge of the hard tropical shower into my face...it hurt...it had the power of an over zealous bum gun, the involuntary enema administering type...bastard tropics...at least the rain is relatively polite back home.

I reached the sign completely sodden and took in its scrawl, which boasted of a Thai Massage establishment approximately 200 metres 'that way'..the sign was clear in its instruction.

Feeling the need to shelter from the intensifying storm, I flicked the button and indicated left. My Honda Wave at present sounds like it is dying a long and painful death, everything rattles or clunks or occaisionally goes bang..but I managed to deftly steer her, negotiating my way around potholes and street sellers doing their best to protect the wares on the carts and stalls from the torrential downpour..

Another slightly less modern looking sign greeted me 150 metres down the bumpy soi and advised me to bear right should I wish to continue onto the Parlour. Clicking the indicator, which makes an irritating buzzing sound as oppose to the satisfying 'click-clock', I turned down an even less well made up lane and caught my first sight of the solace that was the massage parlour..

I parked up outside, soaked to the skin, not even my underwear had escaped a drenching. A lady in her mid thirties, scuttled out with an umbrella, took my hand and led me into the foyet of the business..

Glad to be out of the rain, but still freezing cold, I took in my surroundings, which comprised of the usual Buddha and latest offerings to said deity..the mandatory bottle of strawberry fanta and a shot glass of water..we also had the obligatory wooden furniture which is more ornamental than practical, try sitting on a wooden sofa..it's fucking agony, I'd rather sit on the floor..which a herd of ladies were in fact doing..lazily turning over playing cards but eagerly spooning rotten bits of flesh into their riceholes.

Whether or not these women were trained maseueses(or however the fuck you spell it), was a moot point, but I had found a place to relax for an hour or two whilst the remains of the storm raced past in huge, angry clouds.

I was led upstairs and into a sparcely furnished room which the wench had the gumption to refer to as the VIP suite.
Is it fuck, woman. I've seen more welcoming sheds..



Although, I was delighted to note a television and after hitting standby on the remote, was greeted by the dolcit, comforting tones of Hugh Edwards (even though he's Welsh) talking about floods or bombs or earthquakes or whatever the fuck it was he was banging on about, for BBC News.



So settled into the confines of the small, musty den of filth, the lady gestured for me to get me kit off and into the massage gear which comprised of a pair of fooking pyjamas..fuck that..just give us that towel and I'll bung it round me waist eh..

The massage began as they normally do, a bit of toe clicking, a touch of calf kneading and a smattering of shin rubbing.
All this was of course followed by the compulsory thigh buffing, during which, testicle flicking and peenigh prodding seemed to be the flavour of the hour...."Are you trying to seduce me Mrs. Massage Lady?".
The rubdown finished and the young harlot sweetly enquired to whether or not I required any extra services..
I told her that due to her effort, I'd award her persistance by allowing her to administer a wank.
She was stunned; almost speechless..a hint of sadness welled in her eyes.
She quickly stood up, removed all her clothing and suggested that full intercourse take place..this of course being alot more profitable than a 2 quid hand job..

I toyed with the idea for a moment or two while she rub her tits all over me. I'm not a buftie like, but I decided in the negative..I'd only popped in for an hour or so's respite from the weather and here I was being propositioned by a working wench, suggestively girating her pelvis in the vicinity of my private parts...rude fucker..

I finally allowed her the honour of felatio, to which she replied.."Sai tung mai?"..(do you wanna use a johnny?)...actually fuck that, just give me the five knuckle shuffle and I'm offski..

Job done and I bung a load of 100 baht notes in her direction, get my shit together, hustle out of the door, head down the stairs where I pass the flock of hoes still eating and playing cards, bar one who's passed out on a table, snoring, with her mouth wide open..pop me shoes on, spark a smoke, head outside thankful the weather has cheered up, jumped on the bike and sped back along the potholed covered soi from whence I came......vowing never to go back....this month anyway..

So, to summarize..massage parlours are basically brothels..

[Davis Knowlton]

Excellent way to wait out a storm!

[somtamslap]

^ There are certainly worse ways..

[sunsetter]

cracking short reportage, you should do some more

[The Cat]

Pulitzer Prize material for sure

[WilliamBlake]

Quite a decent read. Although this is going to shock some people:

So, to summarize..massage parlours are basically brothels..

Who'd have ever thought?

(And next time a shot of the lady would be nice.)

[kmart]

Riders on the storm. Enjoyed that report, matey.

[somtamslap]

(And next time a shot of the lady would be nice.)

I daren't. Some of the old trouts who've tossed me off in that place are fucking horrendous..

Although I don't make a habit out of it...anymore.

[Johnny Longprong]

hahahhaha. Five knuckle shuffle.

[Smug Farang Bore]

I was led upstairs and into a sparcely furnished room which the wench had the gumption to refer to as the VIP suite.
Is it fuck, woman. I've seen more welcoming sheds..

nice one once again..

[kingwilly]

great story.

[crippen]

Did your clothes dry during the action,STS?

[Pol the Pot]

Two thumbs up!

[somtamslap]

Did your clothes dry during the action,STS

Not really, mate, no..

The actual massage is usually a half-hearteded 5 minute affair which rapidly progresses onto the inevitable testicle spillage..

In, bosh, out..normally in about 20 minutes.

Not that I'm a regular....anymore.

[Panda]

I suppose when it all comes down to it; -- its the skill of the joy stick operator more than her age that counts. Within reason of course.

I would be interested to know the seperate prices for massage and extras too.

[somtamslap]

I would be interested to know the seperate prices for massage and extras too

In that particular place you're looking at 300b for a 2 hour traditional Thai massage (but, who the fuck wants one?) and 500b for a 2 hour oil jobbie..

Extras are obviously at the lady's discretion..but generally range from 100bt per wank 300-500 for a blowie and I've never really enquired into a the price of a pelvis banging session, but it'll probably run you up 500 + bt...age depending..

[kingwilly]

2 hour traditional Thai massage (but, who the fuck wants one?)

I love traditional thai massage.

[good2bhappy]

So, to summarize..massage parlours are basically brothels..

How many years did that take to figure out?

[Panda]

Considering the average unskilled Thai earns only about 200 baht a day and probably a lot less if they are slaving their guts out in the rice fields or selling stuff in the village market, 300 baht for a 2 hour massage is very good money up in the boondocks. But for a farang its pretty good value.
An additional 100 for a wank sounds fair if they get their tits out though.

I have never had a proper oil massage, only the traditional Thai type and would be interested to know the difference?

[WilliamBlake]

I bung a load of 100 baht notes in her direction,

So all up, (if you'll pardon the expression) how much did this rainy day's entertainment run to?

[somtamslap]

I have never had a proper oil massage, only the traditional Thai type and would be interested to know the difference?

The traditional type is fine if you're into sado-masachism..the oil, even in a reputable establishment touches on pretty much every part of the body and even without the final explosion is extremely relaxing..

So all up, (if you'll pardon the expression) how much did this rainy day's entertainment run to?

That little lot came to about 600bt, you get your money's worth if you can procrastinate though...

[Tickiteboo]

Thanks for that Somtamslapper. Another fine example of your in- depth, investigative journalism. The things you do to bring us TD'ers an insight into the strange workings of the east, knows no bounds. I just knew there was something shady about them massage places !

[The Fresh Prince]

Thai oil massage or probably any other type of massage in this country is a mind game from start submission.

The girl is playing her little mind game by knocking against your balls and going extra far up your inner thigh so she brushes her knob with her hand in the hope that you go for the extras.

Your role in this is to try and have a no extras massage but it would take a very strong willed person to resist.

That's why before I was married I liked the odd Kyomoto Massage (Ball Massage) down Soi 24/1. It's a straight to the point massage that does exactly what it says on the tin.

The first time I had one the girls stripped me of naked, and themselves, then showered me, massaged my balls and legs, gave me an 'old fashioned' then a regular oil massage. Very relaxing I must say, but when they said "All Done" I said "What about the balls?" (expecting there to be some magical hot stone type balls that they were going to put on my back) "We do your balls already" pointing down at my veg, she replied "Arrrrrh, I get it now"

The Japs have got this one right.

It's better to get the tug at the start and then enjoy the massage without the feeling of "whens she gonna get busy" going on in your head while your forced to go through the motions.

Apparently it's good for the prostate.

[chitown]

2 hour traditional Thai massage (but, who the fuck wants one?)

I love traditional thai massage.

Me too.

[somtamslap]

Me too.

I'm obviously going to the , *cough*, wrong places then..