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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    A Journey to the Toilet

    * Wasn't sure whether or not to put this in Thai Traveller's Tales...

    It may not be a particuarly appealing thread title but the little (read: gargantuan) differences between Western and Thai conveniences swayed me to document this quite revolting affair.

    I understand that the subject has been covered before but I'd like to offer you, the potential pooer, a physically and mentally sound method of realeasing ones bowels over what looks like a shitter built for dozy, grumpy, mumpy, stumpy and cunty..I mean, Thai people are short, but they aren't dwarves for fucks sake..

    Firstly, upon opening the door, several things are immediately brought to our attention..

    1) The putrid stench
    2) The hole in the floor
    3) The lack of toilet paper
    4) A strange looking recepticle with water and a plastic bowl floating in it..





    Closer inspection determines that, fuck, these people want me to stand up whilst taking a shit..those foot rests weren't put there by accident.

    So, the tradational Asian way of taking a dump is to stand, squat and release..

    SSR, they call it and even practice the drill in Physical Education at school.

    Bugger that, unless they want the back wall decorated in an interesting new colour called Pad Krapow Moo Gob, I think I should pass up the SSR method, wash the bowl down of dirty footprints using the water bowl provided and plonk my ample backside on the fucker..

    * 2.78989 seconds pass*

    Right, bogroll, bogroll, bogroll....where ARE YOU, bogroll?

    Nope, definitely none here..

    So, how do they do it? How can there possibly be a hygenic way of conducting the mop up?
    Answer: There isn't..

    Half heartedly and very uncomfortably, water is splashed inefficiently around ones hind quarters..cursing spitefully whilst doing so.

    That over and done with we step outside and look for a sink and some soap..a thorugh handwash is now obligatory..

    Oh, look, they've got a sink...no soap though..



    Wait a minute, look, they've got a soap dispenser....with no fucking soap in it..



    Now, to conclude, my advice would be to take this as light heartedly as you can..if you analyse too deeply you're likely to starve to death..

    Happy eating folks...and shatting of course.

  2. #2

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    dirtydog's Avatar
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    This maybe of some help to you

  3. #3
    ความสุขในอีสาน
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    Well I have to say ( generally ) speaking I know which side of the world I would rather use a public bog on , however you seem to have drawn a shitter here .

    I would happily sing the praises of the thai toilet system ,, the amount of available bogs at service stations eveywhere is fantastic ,, compared to our third world public bog system in the UK ,, it makes me bloody ashamed when were out and about and theres no where to go 9 times out of 10 we ching chong behind a hedge here
    I'm proud of my 38" waist , also proud I have never done drugs

  4. #4
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Your lucky at least there no scorpions lurking in the corners,there bold at the mother in laws.They stand their ground in the middle of the floor,and the moment you squat head towards you.

  5. #5
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    Always keep bog roll; soap; essential toiletries in your car if you drive around here. My first encounter with an Asian toilet mentally-scarred me for life.

  6. #6
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    The Fresh Prince's Avatar
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    The only way to approach those fuckers is completely naked. It creates a new problem though that your whole body is exposed to the millions of mosquito's that have been breeding in the putrid vat of arse splashing water.

    When I was back at the outlaws house last week I had to go through the ordeal. (I took some pics for DD) I was only able to clip a bum cigar whilst the whole family were down at the temple, leaving me the run of the house. The main problem at the old folks house is that the squatter is in the corner of the kitchen and there's always someone cooking in the kitchen. I'm not able to release the kids when I'm in earshot of the mother inlaw.

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dirtydog
    This maybe of some help to you
    Says nothing about the clean up in that link..is it a case of just pulling up your cacks then going about your day?



    Quote Originally Posted by nigelandjan
    we ching chong behind a hedge here
    I'd rather ching chong behind a hedge than use that shatter..

    Show of hands please..who can successfully squat?

  8. #8
    Sprayed On Member
    The Fresh Prince's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Show of hands please..who can successfully squat?
    Me but only naked. I have actually found that being in that position does squeeze every last drop out. My calfs dont burn like the used to and I get an almost clean pinch so very little clean up is required.

  9. #9
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kmart
    an Asian toilet mentally-scarred me for life.
    I used the conveniences at Saraburi bus station once, haven't been the same since...not only did I have to suffer the Thai shitter but there were a couple of homos going at it in the next cubicle..It was a low point a can tell thee..



    Quote Originally Posted by The Fresh Prince
    The only way to approach those fuckers is completely naked
    Absoulutely..or failing that, aim hard for the back wall..

  10. #10
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    Humbert's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kmart
    Always keep bog roll; soap; essential toiletries in your car if you drive around here
    Good advice



    Quote Originally Posted by The Fresh Prince
    The only way to approach those fuckers is completely naked.
    More good advice!

    I will only use a Thai toilet if there is an emergency.

  11. #11
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Show of hands please..who can successfully squat?
    I've personally never tried, think I've got inner ear issues, don't want to capsize whilst in mid shit..

  12. #12
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Humbert
    I will only use a Thai toilet if there is an emergency
    Emergencies are fairly commonplace here though..for me anyway..

  13. #13
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Emergencies are fairly commonplace here though..for me anyway..
    Rule #1: Never leave home unless your bowels are thoroughly emptied.

  14. #14
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    I always carry tissues in my pocket. I will happily indulge in all manner of interesting cultural treats and idiosyncracies, but dipping my hand in the 'trough of a thousand unclean hands' and then.... Nah. I ain't doin' it.

    Not in this lifetime, Lord Buddha.

  15. #15
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    Say you're missing a leg, what happens then?
    And how in the hell do you read the paper?

  16. #16
    Newbie muu uan's Avatar
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    Always carry hammer and nail, cos never seen anything for hang trousers, and
    floors are always wet/dirty

  17. #17
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by the dogcatcher
    And how in the hell do you read the paper?
    You've seen the locals, they could sit through a 2 day opera in that squatting position..persuing the sport pages and the funnies would be a piece of piss.

  18. #18
    Have you got any cheese Thetyim's Avatar
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    ^ ^
    Too heavy.
    I used to carry a piece of coat hanger wire to hang on the door and use as a hook

  19. #19
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    Humbert's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by muu uan View Post
    Always carry hammer and nail, cos never seen anything for hang trousers, and
    floors are always wet/dirty
    Probably a good idea to bring several sq. metres of ceramic wall and floor tile too so you can renovate before you crap.

  20. #20
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    Every time I use a public restroom here, I'm reminded of the day in college biology class when we were sent into the restrooms to get samples for the microscopes. The things that must be living in that room, or the water that's had hundreds of peoples fecal matter splashed into it.

    Absolutely disgusting and even in 2011 shows no concept of bacteria or infection awareness. I actually provide soap for the school at which I teach and I pay for it.

  21. #21
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    I've never tried it either, but the strange thing is how often I go to the toilet in the bar and there's footprints on the toilet bowl. I mean, as if sitting down to shit is such an inconvenience. Or maybe they're just showing off.

  22. #22
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    The "squatting position" is supposed to be a deemed "healthier" way to evacuate one's bowels, but how the hell are you supposed to do the crossword or graffiti the fecking walls locked in some tantric / yoga stance whilst trying not to curl one out down the heels of your new Nikes..ffs..?

    There are some things the Thais do really well (cheap golf / sex; e.g), but toilets are not on the list.

  23. #23
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    A few years ago I was at an open air concert in Switzerland. We were camping, in the morning I pottered off to the portaloo. They had just hosed them down. Now, I was a bit wobbly after a night of imbibing legal and non-legal substances.

    I slipped on the wet "footprints" and almost lost my handbag down the hole, they were automatic flushing ones. Pity, I liked that bag. Luckily I was only peeing.

    They have alot of those toilets in France as well, usually on the motorway food, petrol stops.

    In Thailand, I refused to use them. Rather get back to my hotel room. In fact, the last holiday I stayed quite close to my hotel room!!!

  24. #24
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by patsycat
    In Thailand, I refused to use them. Rather get back to my hotel room.
    In an ideal world wouldn't we all, Patsy..but the familiar rumblings in the lower intestines often cry, get to a bog and get there very fucking quickly..

    Nothing like being on public transport when it hits you..thought cogs start turning wildly, I wonder if anyone would notice if I took a dump at the back of this bus..etc etc..or is there are spare bucket knocking about..

    I dunno, this country..bodily functions are simply out of your hands.

  25. #25
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    ^Or, more accurately, all over your hands.

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