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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Thailand on a Shoe-String

    So, you've found yourself without a pot to piss in, fouussands of miles away from the NHS?...Nil Desparandum..for this guide is the fucking blueprint to survival..

    Firstly, let's take care of the essentials..

    Although it put in you in this situation in the first place, there's still a hell of alot to be said for alcochol..so, let's buy some, right now..

    At 25 baht for a large bottle and 15 for a small, this Siam Sato (rice wine) will save your pennies and get you completely spannered for less than a quid..it has a sweet taste, somewhat upleasantly sweet, but a dry after taste overides the intial gagging..maybe if your not too skint you could go to 7/11 and by some of that processed cheese to nibble with it..but that would be a huge frivollity and mean your not really that broke, in which case bugger of to the pub and buy a Leo.
    The bottle in question (please excuse the lack of authentic pictures..me camera's bust)



    So, a few of those a day should take care of your alcohol habit.
    However, should you not have such a sweet tooth and your habit is a tad more demanding, then the next choice we have is a touch more expensive but very fucking powerful indeed..
    Pictured below is a small bottle of Lau Kau (Rice Whiskey) and at 40 bt a pop, it is guaranteed to make you forget that you have fucked up big stylee..infact, you'll probably think you're the most successful person on the planet. Mix with a drop of strawberry fanta..ala, the locals..to take away the pure chemical taste and it is a thoroughly drinkable beverage..
    Bigger bottles are also available at around the 70 bt mark...but beware, should you consume one of these, then make sure you still have a few baht in your pocket for a top up the next day..the hangovers are quite quite horrendous..or so withnallstoke tells me..



    You'll probably want some sort of acompanyment for your beverage, let's have a hunt around for some cigarettes.

    Tailor-made smokes are now a thing of the past..get used to it. Rolling tobacco is now what you're all about..and unfortunately it's a far cry for the Golden Virginia and Old Holburn you used to buy from your mate who'd just got back from Spain.

    Varying in price from 3 to 15 bt..we have Ya-Sen (literally means 'medicine string') It is very popular amongst the peasants over here so there is no shortage of it's outlets. The price of the tobacco also includes 30 or so 'rizla's', but these are special rizla's because they have no sticky on them, so you must hold the cigarette together whilst smoking it.
    Sound tricky? You'll get used to it..

    Here's a 15bt tin..should keep you going for a good few days..



    So, that's the essentials taken care of..
    Food next..
    Just nipping down the shop..

  2. #2
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    Nawty's Avatar
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    Don't forget the bugs...they free in the field.


    I see that middle photoin the shops and i always thought it was thinners.
    I like poisoning my neighbours dogs till they die cos I'm a cnut

  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nawty
    Don't forget the bugs...they free in the field.
    I was gonna say..if you find yourself homeless, just sleep in a field with your mouth open, all kinds of sustenance should crawl in..two birds with one stone..



    Quote Originally Posted by Nawty
    I see that middle photoin the shops and i always thought it was thinners.
    It could probably be substituted for thinners..

  4. #4
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    As Hemingway once put it, "a man goes broke slowly, then all at once.” Maybe better to start following s-slap's guidelines now.
    “You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.” Dorothy Parker

  5. #5
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Now we're not going to be fine dining here, but let's make the best out of an incredibly bad situation. Sooner or later, the Siam Sato and Lau Kau will not be enough to sustain life, so you'll have to bite the bullet and eat some food.
    Although most food is relatively cheap in Thailand, you'll want to be as thrifty as possible.

    We'll start with our main..

    Instant noodles..these come in two different brands..'Mama' and 'Waiwai'.. Mama being the far superior of the two as it comes in a few different flavours (pork, tom yam, and others), whilst Waiwai is just one plain old taste..but this is reflected in the price..Wai Wai at 5bt in comparison to the Mama at a whopping 6 bt..

    These can be found anywhere..

    Mama Tom Yam



    Wai Wai - original



    You'll probably start to get very bored with these after a fortnight or so, but with your new found sustenance you could brave a trip to your local market in search of something equally as cheap that doesn't taste like a bowl of elastic bands..ala the mama..
    You'll smell them before you see them..pla too (makarel) is very cheap and extremely healthy..

    A basket like this should go for 20 baht..depending on the size of the fish..
    Light a fire to cook them over and indulge in a nip or two of the Lau Kau while your eating...
    See..not so bad after all, is it?




  6. #6
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    Hilarious. I hope it never comes to this.

  7. #7
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    If you had absolutely nowt, wouldn't giving up the alcohol and tabs be a good idea?

    What about begging for food as a farang? Does that work in Thailand?

  8. #8
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    I've seen a few desperate, farang wrecks begging but not many. I think immigration rounds them up.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGoodhead View Post
    If you had absolutely nowt, wouldn't giving up the alcohol and tabs be a good idea?

    What about begging for food as a farang? Does that work in Thailand?
    You mean, like bintabaht? "I've shaved me head and put on saffron robes because I've no money for food- spent all my baht on bints."
    “You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.” Dorothy Parker

  10. #10
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGoodhead
    If you had absolutely nowt, wouldn't giving up the alcohol and tabs be a good idea?
    Absolutely not..the two go hand in hand.

  11. #11
    loob lor geezer
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    This Sato is actually ' Chateau de 7/11 ' and is the pick of the Satos. All the others I've tasted were worse . So sweet that you'll be a diabetic by the time you've had a few bottles. However, if you mix it with about 20% water and add a glass of Vodka to give it some kick ( only 8 degrees neat ) then it is marginly improved.

  12. #12
    Member Rascal's Avatar
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    taking care of

    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    So, you've found yourself without a pot to piss in, fouussands of miles away from the NHS?...Nil Desparandum..for this guide is the fucking blueprint to survival..

    Firstly, let's take care of the essentials..

    Although it put in you in this situation in the first place, there's still a hell of alot to be said for alcochol..so, let's buy some, right now..

    At 25 baht for a large bottle and 15 for a small, this Siam Sato (rice wine) will save your pennies and get you completely spannered for less than a quid..it has a sweet taste, somewhat upleasantly sweet, but a dry after taste overides the intial gagging..maybe if your not too skint you could go to 7/11 and by some of that processed cheese to nibble with it..but that would be a huge frivollity and mean your not really that broke, in which case bugger of to the pub and buy a Leo.
    The bottle in question (please excuse the lack of authentic pictures..me camera's bust)



    So, a few of those a day should take care of your alcohol habit.
    However, should you not have such a sweet tooth and your habit is a tad more demanding, then the next choice we have is a touch more expensive but very fucking powerful indeed..
    Pictured below is a small bottle of Lau Kau (Rice Whiskey) and at 40 bt a pop, it is guaranteed to make you forget that you have fucked up big stylee..infact, you'll probably think you're the most successful person on the planet. Mix with a drop of strawberry fanta..ala, the locals..to take away the pure chemical taste and it is a thoroughly drinkable beverage..
    Bigger bottles are also available at around the 70 bt mark...but beware, should you consume one of these, then make sure you still have a few baht in your pocket for a top up the next day..the hangovers are quite quite horrendous..or so withnallstoke tells me..



    You'll probably want some sort of acompanyment for your beverage, let's have a hunt around for some cigarettes.

    Tailor-made smokes are now a thing of the past..get used to it. Rolling tobacco is now what you're all about..and unfortunately it's a far cry for the Golden Virginia and Old Holburn you used to buy from your mate who'd just got back from Spain.

    Varying in price from 3 to 15 bt..we have Ya-Sen (literally means 'medicine string') It is very popular amongst the peasants over here so there is no shortage of it's outlets. The price of the tobacco also includes 30 or so 'rizla's', but these are special rizla's because they have no sticky on them, so you must hold the cigarette together whilst smoking it.
    Sound tricky? You'll get used to it..

    Here's a 15bt tin..should keep you going for a good few days..



    So, that's the essentials taken care of..
    Food next..
    Just nipping down the shop..
    these essential items is so commendable. How bout getting a blow job is that next on your list of how to do's or how to get?

  13. #13
    I am in Jail

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rascal
    How bout getting a blow job is that next on your list of how to do's or how to get?
    That will be a harder task.
    Now that the palms along Beach Road have been cut, it's not easy anymore to get a quick bj for 200 baht from a katoey.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Humbert View Post
    I've seen a few desperate, farang wrecks begging but not many. I think immigration rounds them up.
    The wise ones will find a home at a Wat - volunteering in exchange for a cot and grub.

  15. #15
    R.I.P.
    patsycat's Avatar
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    What's that disgusting beverage that tastes like TCP called? I didn't know if i should swallow it or gargle with it.

  16. #16
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    Pernod? Creme de menthe?

  17. #17
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    And don't forget to hitchhike everywhere

  18. #18
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    This is a great thread to read because I have experienced this type of living (except I preferred to drink Beer Chang, as opposed to the paint stripper).

    But the 5 baht Mamas? Yes, been there, done that for several months after breaking up with my ex, and being somewhat destitute I still have a photo of me scooping out a tasty Mama pot to prove it. Bit of a change from my previous lifestyle in a $1 million house that I built in the UK!

    I'm back on track now, with a decent overseas software business. But living on/below the breadline for a while gives you a good perspective on life. I can't say that I actually regret going through that experience

    Simon

  19. #19
    I am in Jail

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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGoodhead
    What about begging for food as a farang? Does that work in Thailand?
    no luck, recently added to the list of thai only professions

  20. #20
    Pronce. PH said so AGAIN!
    slackula's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by patsycat
    I didn't know if i should swallow it or gargle with it.
    Do both and you'll get an extra tip!






    /sorry
    bibo ergo sum
    If you hear the thunder be happy - the lightening missed.
    This time.

  21. #21
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    the hangovers are quite quite horrendous..or so withnallstoke tells me..
    Right, you slanderous bastard, my lawyer reckons i've got you nailed for this slur on my previous good character. How dare you imply that i have ever been sober enough to suffer from a hangover, least of all being able to speak words the morning after the night before.
    Lau Kau has priced itself out of the hardcore lowlife drinkers budget since the empties are worth nowt. Any skint boozer worth his salt supps from the gasoline bottle. Available from any good ma and pa shop, this beverage is openly displayed in quantities of roughly 1 litre, and comes in bottles as varied as Hong Thong and Regency. Whats more, it is acceptable to turn up on foot to purchase, under the 'guise that you might have been riding a motorsai that has run out of petrol. Once emptied of its contents, the returner of the bottle is rewarded with a small cash sum to use as collateral against your next purchase, or to purchase outright a small plastic bags worth of Thailands finest hand rolling tobacco accompanied by bits of yellow tree bark to wrap it up in.
    Petrol does, however, have one major drawback against its closest competitor. Petrol drinkers tend to forego the "talking in tongues fluent Burnambodia and dancing whilst grinning" stage, and slump in a heap

  22. #22
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by patsycat
    What's that disgusting beverage that tastes like TCP called? I didn't know if i should swallow it or gargle with it.
    TCP. Not to be administered via the garry.

  23. #23
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    Petrol does, however, have one major drawback against its closest competitor. Petrol drinkers tend to forego the "talking in tongues fluent Burnambodia and dancing whilst grinning" stage, and slump in a heap

    Not sure how you worked that out to be a drawback..sounds like fucking excellent fun..

  24. #24
    Pronce. PH said so AGAIN!
    slackula's Avatar
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    Why is it always 'shoe string' when talking about finances but 'shoe lace' when talking about tying up shoes?
    bibo ergo sum
    If you hear the thunder be happy - the lightening missed.
    This time.

  25. #25

    R.I.P.


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    Poor people use string to tie their shoes.

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