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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Por ~ the legend continues

    Word has reached me of a tale of derring do, straight from the outer reaches of Southeast Asia.

    The protagonist, as always, was Por.

    It's been five years since we last clinked shot glasses and spent the evening shouting gibberish at one another, but his memory remains fresh - a bit like a gaping wound that refuses to heal.

    Despite his rustic facade and dubious personal hygiene habits, Por is a gentleman who exudes mystery, intrigue, an interesting bouquet of vomit, urine and turpentine -- indeed he is a fellow bound of the annals of Isaan folklore. And the following only serves to bolster an already outstanding resume.

    Last month my wife and children journeyed back to Thailand to touch base with family and friends. Having ascertained that their flight back has been without incident on FlightRadar24, I settled in for a fortnight of heavy drinking and wanking.

    It wasn't long, however, before I received a FaceTime call from my daughter demanding that I make the rain stop. "We can't do anything," she said. "It just won't stop raining."

    Now three things struck me during the course of this phone call. 1. How the FUCK does my kid know how to use apps that I didn't even know existed. 2.We've got 3G access at the Farmhouse now? 3. What's that scratching sound in the background?

    "What's that scratching sound in the background?" I asked my daughter.

    "That's Por," she said. "He's sweeping the leaves."

    Five years since I heard hide or hair of the man, and he's still toiling away at those damn mango tree leaves. Cocked and loaded with his trusty broom, waiting for any leaf that dare have the gumption to fall within a three-kilometre radius. No sir! You shall be swept into a neat little pile and burnt with the rest, sir.

    With this I started to laugh uncontrollably, causing my daughter to hang up and our hamster to shuffle forth from its little house to question the fuss.

    The following morning I received another FaceTime call, this time from my youngest ... wait, she can using the fucking app too?

    "When can we come home," she said. "It's boring here."

    I was livid. This was a total outrage.

    "Never... EVER... speak ill of Isaan, my girl!"

    She hung up. And it was several days before I heard from them again, but the lugubrious tones of two bored girls had been replaced with nervous shrieks of excitement as they held up before the camera what look to be the malted skin of a small raptor.

    "A snake, a snake!" they cried, "And we found its skin under Por's annex."

    I asked to speak to my wife who confirmed that they'd just called the snake rescue service and had had a rather irate Indochinese spitting cobra removed from below Por's shed-cum-house.

    During the removal process, however, Por had looked slightly nonplussed, morose even.

    And it transpired that not only had Por been very much aware that he was sharing his living quarters with one of the most venomous reptiles on the planet, but he'd been feeding the fucker too.

    I shook my head in wonderment.

    Look up the word 'legend' in the dictionary and you'll see the silhouette of a man sweeping. Well, you won't, but you understand my point...

  2. #2
    En route
    Cujo's Avatar
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    Thought you'd died.

  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Still kickin' ass and takin' names, yo.

  4. #4
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    Nice for the family to get back in touch with their roots. Alex Hailey you are not, but the man that is Por, is indeed, leg end.

    When are you back in the land of smirks and coups.? Or have you been banned yet?

  5. #5
    ความรู้ลึกลับ HuangLao's Avatar
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    Homesickness balances out nicely.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Word has reached me of a tale of derring do, straight from the outer reaches of Southeast Asia.

    The protagonist, as always, was Por.

    It's been five years since we last clinked shot glasses and spent the evening shouting gibberish at one another, but his memory remains fresh - a bit like a gaping wound that refuses to heal.

    Despite his rustic facade and dubious personal hygiene habits, Por is a gentleman who exudes mystery, intrigue, an interesting bouquet of vomit, urine and turpentine -- indeed he is a fellow bound of the annals of Isaan folklore. And the following only serves to bolster an already outstanding resume.

    Last month my wife and children journeyed back to Thailand to touch base with family and friends. Having ascertained that their flight back has been without incident on FlightRadar24, I settled in for a fortnight of heavy drinking and wanking.

    It wasn't long, however, before I received a FaceTime call from my daughter demanding that I make the rain stop. "We can't do anything," she said. "It just won't stop raining."

    Now three things struck me during the course of this phone call. 1. How the FUCK does my kid know how to use apps that I didn't even know existed. 2.We've got 3G access at the Farmhouse now? 3. What's that scratching sound in the background?

    "What's that scratching sound in the background?" I asked my daughter.

    "That's Por," she said. "He's sweeping the leaves."

    Five years since I heard hide or hair of the man, and he's still toiling away at those damn mango tree leaves. Cocked and loaded with his trusty broom, waiting for any leaf that dare have the gumption to fall within a three-kilometre radius. No sir! You shall be swept into a neat little pile and burnt with the rest, sir.

    With this I started to laugh uncontrollably, causing my daughter to hang up and our hamster to shuffle forth from its little house to question the fuss.

    The following morning I received another FaceTime call, this time from my youngest ... wait, she can using the fucking app too?

    "When can we come home," she said. "It's boring here."

    I was livid. This was a total outrage.

    "Never... EVER... speak ill of Isaan, my girl!"

    She hung up. And it was several days before I heard from them again, but the lugubrious tones of two bored girls had been replaced with nervous shrieks of excitement as they held up before the camera what look to be the malted skin of a small raptor.

    "A snake, a snake!" they cried, "And we found its skin under Por's annex."

    I asked to speak to my wife who confirmed that they'd just called the snake rescue service and had had a rather irate Indochinese spitting cobra removed from below Por's shed-cum-house.

    During the removal process, however, Por had looked slightly nonplussed, morose even.

    And it transpired that not only had Por been very much aware that he was sharing his living quarters with one of the most venomous reptiles on the planet, but he'd been feeding the fucker too.

    I shook my head in wonderment.

    Look up the word 'legend' in the dictionary and you'll see the silhouette of a man sweeping. Well, you won't, but you understand my point...
    I think your girls are lucky to have a dad who can wax so lyrically. It will stand them in good stead in the long run, despite that he wanks and drinks in their absence.
    BTW, beer is malted, not snakes. They moult.

  7. #7
    I am in Jail
    stroller's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Switch View Post
    When are you back in the land of smirks and coups.?
    "When will you be back in the land of smirks and coups?"

    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Look up the word 'legend' in the dictionary
    I had to look up "lugubrious".

  8. #8
    Member Bettyboo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Still takin' ass and kickin' names, yo.
    I've heard a lot of that goes on, late at night, in car parks all around South London.

  9. #9
    Thailand Expat lom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo View Post
    I've heard a lot of that goes on, late at night, in car parks all around South London.
    With lambs.
    You can guess what your doner kebab has been into.

    (or what has been into your doner kebab..)

  10. #10
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Back in town soon-ish. I've had plenty of opportunity to take holidays out there, but it a but fuck that to be quite frank. I see no essence in it. None at all.

  11. #11
    R.I.P. Luigi's Avatar
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    Quality, as always.

    Cheers Slap.

  12. #12
    Thailand Expat
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    Good to hear from you.

    Now about that kitten bound first edition.......

  13. #13
    Jail me Jack meoff's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OhOh View Post
    Now about that kitten bound first edition.......
    Yea
    Won't be buying a sequel.

  14. #14
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    Old Thai bloke find snake in isaan shack. what's in chapter 2, Slap, Old Thai bird makes a bowl of sticks in dishwater and calls it Curry?

  15. #15
    Pedantic bastard
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    Quote Originally Posted by pseudolus View Post
    Old Thai bloke find snake in isaan shack. what's in chapter 2, Slap, Old Thai bird makes a bowl of sticks in dishwater and calls it Curry?
    You need to read it (or read it again).

    Por did not find the snake. He knew it was there and had been feeding it.

  16. #16
    Southern Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Look up the word 'legend' in the dictionary and you'll see the silhouette of a man sweeping.
    In my dictionary that silhouette is under bellend and it's a white stick not a broom the daft fuck is carrying.

    The bite of this snake is potentially lethal to an adult human. Deaths, which generally happen due to paralysis and consequent asphyxiation, mainly occur in rural areas where the procurement of[at]antivenin[at]is difficult.

    If the snake spits venom into the eyes of an individual, the individual will experience immediate and severe pain as well as temporary and sometimes even permanent blindness

  17. #17
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by nidhogg View Post
    You need to read it (or read it again).

    Por did not find the snake. He knew it was there and had been feeding it.
    Feeding it what? Laos Khao? not sure if Por would have the mental wherewithal to catch and keep alive rodents and insect to feed a killing machine snake that would evade him like the plague anyway. Skin found. Snake found. The rest is showbiz?

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