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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    The village is dead

    The village is dead.
    The lau doesn't flow.
    The chickens don't squawk.
    The roosters don't crow.


    The village is dead.
    The dogs deign to howl.
    The tokays are hushed.
    The felines don't prowl.


    The village is dead.
    The drunkards have slept.
    The shop is now empty
    The fat farang wept.


    As you may have gathered, the village is in fact dead.

    I received some extremely distressing news yesterday evening. I'd just downloaded an audio book which I intended to listen to within the cozy confines of my local watering hole. Audio books are fantastic for local shop use. Drunken peasants attempting to instigate a discussion are effortlessly banished with a point to the headphones and a shrug.

    I arrived at the establishment to an unprecedented sight: It was closed.

    Closed? CLOSED?!

    You're never closed!

    How dare you fucking close in my presence!

    Well, I can tell you I was having none of this.

    I dismounted my wheezing motorcycle and wrapped firmly on the metal shutter.

    - I demand an unhindered path to the refrigerator you sadistic bastard!

    Nothing. Not a word one.

    The sanctity of the book and beveraging hour had been irredeemably besmirched.

    I located a wandering drunkard and inquired into the whereabouts of the shopkeeper.

    Through a fog of ya-dong fumes I was able to unravel the fact that he'd had a motorcycle accident and broken his leg.

    Selfish! Totally fucking selfish! A complete lack of affinity concerning the wants and needs of others.

    I've just visited him in hospital with a get well soon card. And I do mean soon.

    Because the village, well, the village is dead.


  2. #2
    Thailand Expat
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    Rice, weddings & funerals, a family member sick, you name it- shop closed for the day. It's a real lottery finding a shop open here during rice harvest, although luckily we do have one shop in the village reliably open. That's the Lao way- your end of Isaan seems positively Thai in comparison slappa.

  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sabang
    although luckily we do have one shop in the village reliably open.
    This chap is ALWAYS open. He's literally had one day off in 10 years. I'm very disappointed indeed.

  4. #4
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I located a wandering drunkard and inquired into the whereabouts of the shopkeeper.
    did he have to remove his headphones first ?

  5. #5
    Lord of Swine
    Necron99's Avatar
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    3 words.

    Break and Enter.

  6. #6
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Get Por to knock up a wheelchair for the busted shopkeeper. He can use bits off the busted motosai.

    Or use bits off the busted shopkeeper to repair the motosai.

    Have you considered rellocation slapper?

  7. #7
    I am in Jail

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    Somtam I know you have never needed to before but couldn't you stock- up for
    emergencies such as these and then enjoy the joys of drinking and listening to
    literary classics in the comfort of your own home, or is there something about the local lau khau shop that is condusive to you imbibing of alcohol and listening pleasure?

  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by baldrick
    did he have to remove his headphones first ?
    I pressed pause for the occasion.
    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    Break and Enter.
    Break, enter, meet and old granny brandishing a shotgun. The shopkeeper will have prepared for this eventuality.


    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    Have you considered rellocation slapper?
    To another shop? Never!


    Quote Originally Posted by jamiejambos
    couldn't you stock- up for
    emergencies
    Most certainly not. Whatever's in my house gets drunk.


    Quote Originally Posted by jamiejambos
    and listening to
    literary classics
    Not really literary classics. I'm listening to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince at the moment.

  9. #9
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Check this out.

    In an attempt to keep themselves entertained while the shop is closed, the villagers have forged a new pastime.

    It's called Run over the fucking dog.

    Look at the malicious intent on this fucker's face...


  10. #10
    I am in Jail

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    Well Somtam that in it's self will become one if it isn't already.
    You do have my sympathy though ,as does the poor bugger with the broken - leg.

  11. #11
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jamiejambos
    You do have my sympathy though ,as does the poor bugger with the broken - leg.
    I shall pass them on. Throw in some Reiki vibes too. The shop needs to be open.

  12. #12
    Have you got any cheese Thetyim's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I located a wandering drunkard and inquired into the whereabouts of the shopkeeper.
    That was your big mistake.
    You should have inquired where he got his Lao Khao from.

  13. #13
    I am in Jail
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by sabang
    although luckily we do have one shop in the village reliably open.
    This chap is ALWAYS open. He's literally had one day off in 10 years. I'm very disappointed indeed.
    But why were you so rude, maybe he was dead.

  14. #14
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by leemo
    But why were you so rude
    I was crude, lewd, shrewd, and at one point I nearly pooed, but I was never, ever rude.

  15. #15
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thetyim
    You should have inquired where he got his Lao Khao from.
    He had the look of desperation about him which suggested he'd been snorting the residue from bottle caps for the past two hours.

  16. #16
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    he'd been snorting the residue from bottle caps for the past two hours.
    Not to be sniffed at.

  17. #17
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    True wankereds snort. Supping is for poofs.

  18. #18
    I'm in Jail

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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    The village is dead. The lau doesn't flow. The chickens don't squawk. The roosters don't crow. The village is dead. The dogs deign to howl. The tokays are hushed. The felines don't prowl. The village is dead. The drunkards have slept. The shop is now empty The fat farang wept.
    You sure you have no access to alcohol ?

  19. #19
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Never fear online shopping is available.
    Click on beverages, snacks and desserts and fill that trolley.
    Hello welcome

  20. #20
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    You sure you have no access to alcohol ?
    I resorted to eating lau khao labels.


    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    Never fear online shopping is available.
    I'm interested. If they deliver within the second.

  21. #21
    Thailand Expat
    Mid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    The village is dead.
    https://teakdoor.com/the-teakdoor-lou...-your-ban.html

  22. #22
    Thailand Expat
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    The OP reminds me of this classic:


  23. #23
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Check this out.

    In an attempt to keep themselves entertained while the shop is closed, the villagers have forged a new pastime.

    It's called Run over the fucking dog.

    Look at the malicious intent on this fucker's face...


    Probably seen the size of it's dick, and gone ballistic with jealousy.?

  24. #24
    Lord of Swine
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    I think the OP has actually exposed himself here, in more ways than one....

    Look at this. See it?




    Streetlamps! Every bleeding 20 feet!
    And that black line along the road, a gutter?
    And that big bin...garbage services!
    No roving packs of soi dogs?

    Issanic village my ass, may as well be living in the Ritz.

  25. #25
    I'm in Jail

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    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    Click on beverages, snacks and desserts and fill that trolley. Hello welcome
    And be prepared to beat the living shit out of the delivery guy when he comes empty handed between the hours 2-5 PM

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