Arabian Plights: Slap's impromptu Suk Soi Sam Sojourn/AKA Bangkok's a Shithole

[somtamslap]

I arrived at the British embassy overwhelmed with disgust. I felt unclean, besmirched, sickened almost to the point of projectile vomiting all over the relatively clean interior of the taxi we’d been travelling in. There was, of course, a reason for these feelings of utter revulsion: a reason which I simply tend to call 'Bangkok'.

What a fucking shithole!

Everywhere you look: filth, debauchery and desperation. Coupled-up with extreme humidity and a perpetually lingering odour synonymous of decomposing dogs dusted with droplets of cheap perfume and you have yourself quite the little Hell on Earth.

To the northeastern naysayers, the Isaan cynics, the big city dwellers who mock us upcountry occupants: I am laughing. I am laughing in your face. One Night in Bangkok doesn't make a hard man humble; it makes him walk around somehow summoning the will not to beat the fucking shit out of street vendors. It makes him choke on the stench of gutters cluttered with putrid refuse. It makes his stomach tremor to the point of bringing up bile upon unfortunately glimpsing a gaggle of repulsive lady-men flaunting their wares: their lips pouting through thick red gloss, their bouncing cleavage heaving in tight black tops, their cock and bollocks neatly secreted betwixt the buttocks. It makes him grimace at the sight of mile upon mile of uninspiring mildew and mould ridden concrete.

It, in a nutshell, makes him feel ill.

Give me the vast expanse of greenery comprising Isaan any day of the week - even if it is dappled with a large quota of lunacy. But at least it's lunacy in a pleasant environment.

Back at the embassy, and it's one minute, yes, one minute, past 11, and I'm being turned away from the gates by a peasant with a walkie-talkie.

"Grant me an unhindered path before I spank your face with my passport, you unsightly oik."

Nothing. He stood resolute, determined to impede my progress. Even the sacred Royal Coat of Arms emblem couldn't move this abhorrent hick.

"You come back tomorrow." seemed to be the only words in his vocabulary, and each syllable was a well-aimed shot at my patience. I wanted nothing more than to hurt this person with every last morsel of my might. I fantasised about punching him in the face and kicking him hard in the bollocks. But eventually, because my family was in tow, I yielded to his apparent authority and resigned myself to a night in the capital.

After a long journey down on the bus I was hot, sticky and tired, and the children were showing classic symptoms of the onset of ferocious whining.

Quickly! We must find a hotel and we must find it now!

We located a hotel situated on Sukhumvit Soi 3. It was full of Arab types; those of the heavily bewhiskered, rotund stomach set. I felt quite safe here. Although I was the only white face present, I was pretty sure that the place wouldn't succumb to a twat with an arsehole full of semtex.


Here's our room. Cozy isn't it?
Well not really. This picture was taken at about midday. The room did in fact have a window, but it opened up onto a fucking brick wall. And to supplement this gloom, come midnight we discovered that the 1300 baht room fee was inclusive of a fucking Arabian disco. Boom. Boom. Boom. All....FUCKING....night.



I consoled myself with an outlandish amount of food and drink.
First on the menu:
Burger King, of course!



Then I went next door to Carl's Junior.



Next I mulled over the advantages and disadvantages of dining on Arabian street fodder.
Advantages: It might taste nice.
Disadvantages: It probably won't taste nice and I'll spend the rest of the day purging my intestines of Uncle Mohammed's faeces.



I then went on to drink a lot of beer.



And eat more food: this Egyptian kebab was essentially unseasoned burger meat fashioned into the shape of elongated dog shit. But the bread was quite nice.

[Necron99]

Should have taken Por and let in loose in Soi Cowboy with a fist full of hundreds...

For science of course.

[somtamslap]

Should have taken Por

I bought a laser from a street hawker when I was half-cut. I always buy lasers in when I'm pissed. They just seem like such a fantastic idea at the time. Anyway, I took it back and showed the shopkeeper. He nearly had an orgasm when he saw the length of the beam, and he wants to come with me to Bangers next month to buy a hundred of them.

Could be interesting.

[Necron99]

Issan peasants, copious amounts of Lao Khao and powerful lasers.
What could possibly go wrong..

[withnallstoke]

meat fashioned into the shape of elongated dog shit.

They weren't "fashioned into the shape" of anything.

Those things were straight from the dogs arse, no doubt about it.

You horrible bastard.

[Bettyboo]

I always buy lasers in when I'm pissed.

[somtamslap]

What could possibly go wrong..

I foresee a lot of blind people fumbling around my village.

Those things were straight from the dogs arse, no doubt about it.

That meal was a twat. I was so angry that I retired to the hotel and had a game snooker to calm me down.

A little Islamic chap trotted up and started sniffing around the table. I asked him if he wanted a game. He said yes, he would very much like to play. He asked me where I was from, I replied I was travelling on a British passport. I returned the inquiry, he told me was from Iraq. I asked him what he was doing in Bangkok. He said he was trying to get a visa for the U.S, but he hasn't got any friends to help him, and would I help him, and did I have any work he could do?

After five minutes of a similar line of questioning, I violently smashed the reds up, put down my cue and went to 7/11.

[withnallstoke]

I violently smashed the reds up, put down my cue and went to 7/11.

So, reading between the lines, the Iraqi dwarf spurned your offer of an impromptu etching exhibition.

[snakeeyes]

Slap , where did you stay ? , the Grace hotel opposite the Bamboo bar .

[bsnub]

Epic slap as always.

[grasshopper]

I can see you at the Phil Collins revival concert now, laser in hand.

[somtamslap]

So, reading between the lines, the Iraqi dwarf spurned your offer of an impromptu etching exhibition.

I got offered hot sex with an Arabian harlot more than once. I declined. How do you bugger someone in a burka?

[somtamslap]

Slap , where did you stay ? , the Grace hotel opposite the Bamboo bar .

Yes, that's the one. How did you guess?

[withnallstoke]

How do you bugger someone in a burka?

You remove your burka.

[snakeeyes]

Slap , where did you stay ? , the Grace hotel opposite the Bamboo bar .

Yes, that's the one. How did you guess?

It's the only one with snooker tables and theres fat Thai ladies everywhere ,

[somtamslap]

I can see you at the Phil Collins revival concert now

A Collins ditty was pan-piping as I ate that dog shit kebab. Truth.

You remove your burka.

I'm not allowed to. Allah told me.

[kingwilly]

Everywhere you look: filth, debauchery and desperation. Coupled-up with extreme humidity and a perpetually lingering odour synonymous of decomposing dogs dusted with droplets of cheap perfume and you have yourself quite the little Hell on Earth.

To the northeastern naysayers, the Isaan cynics, the big city dwellers who mock us upcountry occupants: I am laughing. I am laughing in your face. One Night in Bangkok doesn't make a hard man humble; it makes him walk around somehow summoning the will not to beat the fucking shit out of street vendors. It makes him choke on the stench of gutters cluttered with putrid refuse. It makes his stomach tremor to the point of bringing up bile upon unfortunately glimpsing a gaggle of repulsive lady-men flaunting their wares: their lips pouting through thick red gloss, their bouncing cleavage heaving in tight black tops, their cock and bollocks neatly secreted betwixt the buttocks. It makes him grimace at the sight of mile upon mile of uninspiring mildew and mould ridden concrete.

It, in a nutshell, makes him feel ill.

Yet last month my colleagues from Indonesia were saying how clean it looked compared to Jakarta....

[somtamslap]

theres fat Thai ladies everywhere

I'll tell you what, I've never seen so many grim Thai lasses. And some of the sois looked like downtown Mogadishu. Lots of menacing looking gentlemen of the darker persuasion sprawled out in front of massage parlours.

[somtamslap]

Yet last month my colleagues from Indonesia were saying how clean it looked compared to Jakarta...

It's anything but clean. It's a burning cauldron of shit and depravity.

[snakeeyes]

theres fat Thai ladies everywhere

I'll tell you what, I've never seen so many grim Thai lasses. And the some of the sois looked like downtown Mogadishu. Lots of menacing looking gentlemen of the darker persuasion sprawled out in front of massage parlours.

All my charlie I bought off the chocolate men down there, that's their soi , got to know a few of them and got a good deal no rubbish ,

[aging one]

And you did not eat the best food on the street.. oh my.....

[kingwilly]

Yet last month my colleagues from Indonesia were saying how clean it looked compared to Jakarta...

It's anything but clean. It's a burning cauldron of shit and depravity.

Compared to...

[Latindancer]

And some of the sois looked like downtown Mogadishu. Lots of menacing looking gentlemen of the darker persuasion sprawled out in front of massage parlours.

It's paradise for them....they're used to this :

[jizzybloke]

Didn't tell anyone you were here, POOF!

[The Fresh Prince]

A well written winge. Bloody northerners.