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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    The Worst Toilet in Isaan

    “THUD – STAB – SQUEEZE – PUNT – JAB – KICK – WRENCH – BIFF – WALLOP – KERRRPLUNK!”

    “I’m not going down without a fight! Take that, you fascist bastard –THWACK! And this, you lecherous swine – BASH! Oh, you want more I see! Well get a load of this, you sanctimonious fuck – ALAKAZAM! “

    I’ve just relayed, verbatim, a heated conversation which took place between a rogue morsel of local fare and my large intestines, several hazy evening’s ago.

    As you can probably gather, the offending cuisine lacked somewhat in terms of vocabulary and sentence structure and apparently even required the use of Roget’s Thesaurus in order to fashion the aforementioned scrawl, but, despite a strong finish from the large intestines, which featured a last gasp five syllable flurry, the contaminated foodstuff, as always, triumphed, with quite devastating results.

    The bickering commenced as I was maneuvering my Honda Wave, which although is completely fucking broken, still somehow manages to chauffeur my ample frame from here to there , along a well vegetated section of country lane.

    Upon the comprehensive slaying of my bowels I quickly reasoned that I should relieve myself, without delay, in my underpants. The victory had been exact and absolute, allowing me virtually no leeway at all for a buttock clench followed by the glorious volley of fecal discharge in an anonymous convenience. Oh how I so yearned for a fucking convenience.

    But what’s this? Oh my good God! Could it surely be?

    On the far right corner of the horizon, which was now barely visible due to the fact that I was nearly crying with pain, was a little shop. God, I love little shops!

    I pointed my motorcycle towards the convenience store, which appeared to glisten with a Utopian aura, and raced towards it in a state of anal suction.

    “CANIBORRAYASHITTER?” Being polite was obviously of the essence but I was a hair’s breath away from messing myself in front of the instant noodle stand.

    After having been scrutinized for what felt like the combined duration of every dump I’ve ever taken in my life, I was finally pointed towards a shed. They obviously had their own toilet within the shop, but my current gait probably suggested that I wasn’t here for a quick wee-wee – and that I might irreparably destroy anything that came into contact with my buttocks.

    Charging through an assortment of cobweb drenched boxes and other various ‘small shop’ paraphernalia, I eventually happened upon the bog, and with a deft hop, skip and a jump, landed on the fucker with my pants down….

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    It was only when I peered back into le toilette to observe the damage that I took in my
    surroundings.



    Next time I’ll probably opt for the underpants…

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat
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    Welcome home, other than name dropping that guy Roget a fair attempt. Pictures of the shop bar stock and nibbles wouldn't go amiss if you are still there

  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OhOh
    Pictures of the shop bar stock and nibbles wouldn't go amiss if you are still there
    Class. Pure class...


  4. #4
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    I work in a Thai school that has about 900 students and 90 staff and 1 real toilet on the entire premises. The rest are those squatter things with the tub of filthy water behind it and a plastic whatever to pour the water over your backside. No soap in the bathrooms unless I put it there and no toilet paper.
    I suggested they spend only a few hundred Baht (no exaggeration) and use the existing plumbing to at least put in those bum guns, but that has not happened, apparently because they have always done it the above way, it's a Thai school tradition.

    Oh yes, we do pass out annual "health" inspection. What would we need to do to fail?

  5. #5
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BobR
    What would we need to do to fail?
    Short of shatting in the inspector's mouth, you'd be pretty hard pushed I'd imagine..

  6. #6
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    Glad to see you're back!


  7. #7
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    11.16 and am pissimg myself with tears in the eyes reading this.

  8. #8
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    I'm sittin here with sunsetter. He said your a c.".........

  9. #9
    I am in Jail
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post

    It was only when I peered back into le toilette to observe the damage that I took in my
    surroundings.



    Next time I’ll probably opt for the underpants…
    Still nowhere near as bad as the toilets we had to endure on a daily basis at the summer camps in France 40 something years ago.

  10. #10
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    One I was obliged to use in Lagos Airport had millions of worms swimming around in the bowl!

  11. #11
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smug Farang Bore
    He said your a c.".........
    ...isn't cold enough? Needs filter replacement? Is too noisy?

    What the fuck is wrong with my a.c?

    Yes, re French shatters - they were literally a hole in the floor if I remember right. Totally unsatisfactory way to take a shite..unless you're French. They might like the aiming process, because bogs generally aren't armed to the back teeth with Lugers and robust knackerwurst.

  12. #12
    Tonguin for a beer
    Bung's Avatar
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    ^^ I sympathise with you, Lagos airport shitters must be right up there for disgustfulness.

    I had a crap in rural Africa once, it was just a tin shack and some floorboards over a pit with a hole in it. My aim was better than most even though I had a dicky knee and had to leave one leg extended out in front of me. I got up and heard a buzzing noise and curiously there was a sliver of light shining right down into the pit through a crack in the shed.

    I had to have a look and it was literally alive with worms or something heaving about. I didn't pause to find out exactly.
    Fahn Cahn's

  13. #13
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Next time I’ll probably opt for the underpants…
    Are your grungy grey speedos any more hygenic than that bog?

    Photographic evidence is not needed thankyou.

  14. #14
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    Are your grungy grey speedos any more hygenic than that bog?
    Says the man whose avatar is a stick figure playing a trumpet out of his jacksy..

  15. #15
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    No bog about, racing through the countryside without hope. there on the horizon as fate would have it, a sight only a mother could love, Thailand's best and only hope for Somtamslap's moment of complete torment, a noodle shop sans crapper on the horizon. Although in deepest pain Somtamslap manages his best wai, please lady I'm crapping my shorts and am in desperate need to utilize your crapper? She shrugs her shoulders and flicks her snakelike eyes toward the bog in the rear. Desperate as he was, Slap manages to saunter toward this bog with dignity and manhood in tack while his ass crack is at the bursting point. He enters, not looking at his surroundings only a vision of the squatter there focused he rips his levi's off and briefs squatting in one motion and ahhhaaa!, out it comes, one weeks worth of lao, Chiang, several doses of pla plo, corn bits, crab claws, salad papaya, blood and other segments of internal meaty products lacking description. then the odor a la plume, wow! Slap almost passes out, but manages to pull his briefs up, shit stains and all, levis up and twisted about his anguished torso he saunters out into the mid day sun. Damm he thinks, what a perfect day here in Slapsville. The owner of the bog holds her hand out for the 3 baht payment required. Generosity being one of Slaps best character traits gives her 5 baht and tells her, John Wayne style, "keep the change."

  16. #16
    ding ding ding
    Spin's Avatar
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    I remember when stroller posted a pic of the bathroom in his home.

    It was just like the pic above.

  17. #17
    I am in Jail

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    About time you traded that old honda wave in for something more convenient Slapper

    Toilet motorcycle runs on human turd power
    Japanese toilet manufacturer Toto is rolling out a motorcycle with a built-in toilet that runs on the power of human shit. The Toilet Bike Neo also talks and plays music.





    Toilet motorcycle runs on human poo power | Crave - CNET

  18. #18
    R.I.P

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  19. #19
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    The toillet i've seen are very good, especially at road side petrol stops, kept spotless, even the outside surrounds with neet gardens etc, sure put Australia to shame, but then Thailand does'nt have the vandalisum problem.

  20. #20
    Tonguin for a beer
    Bung's Avatar
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    I must say I was impressed with the urinal at Hong Kong airport. There was a guy standing by the end of it with a mop and as soon as you finished he would give it a deft swipe at the floor below it for any stray droplets and go back to standing at the ready.

    Very efficient.

  21. #21
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    I can recall and also smell the half drum cans used in base camp in Vietnam when assigned to shitter detail. You would pull the half drum out and the first whiff would almost knock you over and convulse you into a arch of spewing breakfast heave into the red earth. Next optically you'd see the entire shit filled drum mass swirling about in a torrent of life. Maggots ruled our shitters. Everyone it seems had dysentery or at a minimum diarrhea and there was seldom any solids contained within these drums and a lot more blood and tissue as I reflect. Once outside the crapper structure and pulled about 15 feet from them you doused them with diesel and lit them up all at once. Black smoke and the smell of shit filled the skys.

    On garbage runs we filled the deuce and a half dump truck with all our garbage and sometimes our shit when some fucker with a bar decided it was better to haul these open containers in a swirling mass to the local dump rather than burn it. My one and only experience of this mode of deposition was terrible to say the least.

    You had to ride in the bed of the truck along with all the garbage and shit cans. The shit rocked to and fro and spilled out onto the surface and splattered as chance would have it on your clothes or skin. Being the NFG in the group I was not looking at this as a life experience that would change me forever.

    Surprise, as we pulled into the garbage heap we saw what seemed to me like dozens of small people wearing black and white pajamas all rushing towards us. I thought , shit we're being attacked by the VC, but no, they were hungry and wanted to be the first to receive our fresh garbage. One of the older G.I.s that accompanied us on our virgin tour to the garbage heap had a smile coming out of his tortured face. "Watch this!," he said. As the vietnamese children and mamma sans came up close to the rear of the truck he began pouring the shit drums down on them. All the while laughing like some maniac. Even in those circumstances I was reflecting on just what kind of fucking person is this? What am I doing here? Looking down on those poor unfortunate people who are now scurrying around trying to avoid the shit throwers best efforts at degradation. finally, at last all the shit was gone. Finished as it were. the duece and a half began to lift up and dump its contents onto the existing heap of garbage and human waste. The black and white, now brown people came swarming into the fray. Each battling for some tasty morsel left by some foreign trooper on his mess tray.

    It all comes back to me in between success and humility crisis in this life. A vision and experience that will live forever in my memory. Thank God that was my first and last trip to the dump. The shit continued to pile up for the next 16 months on my tour, but nothing could erase that single event from my memory of mans inhumanity to his fellow man.

  22. #22
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    mingmong's Avatar
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    is that a Incontinental V Twin above?

  23. #23
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    Hey don't knock it as 40 years ago your chances of finding any toilet were pretty poor in most villages. Oh the days of finding a tree to squat by.

  24. #24
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    MAN O MAN...LOOKS LIKE THE HOUSE I BOUGHT MY MOTHER-IN-LAW!!!!

  25. #25
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    Issan Toilet...

    Quote Originally Posted by Kwang View Post
    About time you traded that old honda wave in for something more convenient Slapper

    Toilet motorcycle runs on human turd power
    Japanese toilet manufacturer Toto is rolling out a motorcycle with a built-in toilet that runs on the power of human shit. The Toilet Bike Neo also talks and plays music.





    Toilet motorcycle runs on human poo power | Crave - CNET
    An absolutely Priceless suggestion to the pressing motion of Somtamslap...

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