“THUD – STAB – SQUEEZE – PUNT – JAB – KICK – WRENCH – BIFF – WALLOP – KERRRPLUNK!”
“I’m not going down without a fight! Take that, you fascist bastard –THWACK! And this, you lecherous swine – BASH! Oh, you want more I see! Well get a load of this, you sanctimonious fuck – ALAKAZAM! “
I’ve just relayed, verbatim, a heated conversation which took place between a rogue morsel of local fare and my large intestines, several hazy evening’s ago.
As you can probably gather, the offending cuisine lacked somewhat in terms of vocabulary and sentence structure and apparently even required the use of Roget’s Thesaurus in order to fashion the aforementioned scrawl, but, despite a strong finish from the large intestines, which featured a last gasp five syllable flurry, the contaminated foodstuff, as always, triumphed, with quite devastating results.
The bickering commenced as I was maneuvering my Honda Wave, which although is completely fucking broken, still somehow manages to chauffeur my ample frame from here to there , along a well vegetated section of country lane.
Upon the comprehensive slaying of my bowels I quickly reasoned that I should relieve myself, without delay, in my underpants. The victory had been exact and absolute, allowing me virtually no leeway at all for a buttock clench followed by the glorious volley of fecal discharge in an anonymous convenience. Oh how I so yearned for a fucking convenience.
But what’s this? Oh my good God! Could it surely be?
On the far right corner of the horizon, which was now barely visible due to the fact that I was nearly crying with pain, was a little shop. God, I love little shops!
I pointed my motorcycle towards the convenience store, which appeared to glisten with a Utopian aura, and raced towards it in a state of anal suction.
“CANIBORRAYASHITTER?” Being polite was obviously of the essence but I was a hair’s breath away from messing myself in front of the instant noodle stand.
After having been scrutinized for what felt like the combined duration of every dump I’ve ever taken in my life, I was finally pointed towards a shed. They obviously had their own toilet within the shop, but my current gait probably suggested that I wasn’t here for a quick wee-wee – and that I might irreparably destroy anything that came into contact with my buttocks.
Charging through an assortment of cobweb drenched boxes and other various ‘small shop’ paraphernalia, I eventually happened upon the bog, and with a deft hop, skip and a jump, landed on the fucker with my pants down….
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
It was only when I peered back into le toilette to observe the damage that I took in my
surroundings.
Next time I’ll probably opt for the underpants…