Mr Lick at the Theatre of Dreams

[Mr Lick]

A few months ago my reckless youth finally started to catch up with me
It appeared that the more aggressive Squamous Cell Carcinoma had taken a grip on my left cheek. (that’s facial, you sick bastards).

I believe this may have been the result of drifting into a drunken stuper on a Majorcan beach in the mid 90’s following a quite lengthy liquid lunch with a couple of pals and awaking some hours later with the skin on my cheek the colour of an extremely embarrassed tomato. I was about to pay the price for that particular misadventure.

A fairly swift visit to a dermatology unit at a large hospital in deepest Issan was in order, and so having received a recommendation from a friend I set forth the very next day for an examination of the said gremlin.

It was a state funded hospital and upon my arrival, following several enquiries I was eventually led by a very charming but aging nurse to my final destination.

Now if I mention that there just happened to be around 2 billion other people at the same waiting area I may just be exaggerating just a tad, although judging by the staggering numbers it could well have been a red shirt rally and not wishing to feel the full force of their wrath by inadvertantly whispering the word Abhisit, I kept mum and commenced a head count only to be halted dead in my tracks when an apparition of a bearded man with 5 loaves and 2 fish suddenly appeared before me.

My initial feelings on surveying the painful phenomenon of the huge crowd was to cry out ‘’Come on you bunch of raving hypochondriacs, get back to work.’’ You can’t all be claiming compensation from the government for being a victim of the Bangkok riots surely?

I just couldn’t understand it, there was an alien attached to my face and for the rest of these malingerers there wasn’t even a plaster/bandage between them.

‘’Slackers, make way for an emergency case’’

Now having completed several hundred forms, each of which required only my name/address/ D.O.B, the receptionist assured me that I would be seen asap and gave me a tag with the figures 4,990 embossed upon it.
She then quite amusingly asked me to take a seat. ‘’Take a seat, take a seat??? I enquired, ‘’What bloody seat would that be then??’’

Now, despite being 100 kms from home, it was by a quite incredible coincidence that at that very moment I spotted my next door neighbour and her husband. Having dispensed with our normal cuddle and necking session his wife informed me that she had a dicky heart, as not surpringly did her husband, and that they were here, like the other 5000 to receive a medical report in order to fraudulently claim a disability allowance from the government.

Well it has to be said that the government would most probably only waste that money on bomb detectors/water management projects so best in your pocket my lovely eh. I quickly added that If her husband had a problem convincing the doc then i may be able to help out by breaking one of his legs, no shortage of wheelchairs about after all!

Anyway, after what seemed a year or two i was ushered forward to undertake a blood pressure test (not ideal after an era of painful thumb twiddling perhaps) and the all important weigh-in. With a nod and a wink from the English speaking receptionist I was swiftly whisked behind a curtain to be greeted by a plethora of student doctors who were naturally all very excited to see‘farang’.

The chief surgeon was also doing his rounds and quite worryingly started taking photo’s of the affected area on my face.

Following a period of amusing conversation between us an appointment was arranged for an op the following day. ‘’Quite brilliant’’, I replied, ‘’lets get the little devil out shall we””

Please be here 8 am I was informed, ‘’but my operation is geared for 2 pm yes?’’ ‘’That’s correct but please be here at 8 am sir’’ Following a phone call to my wife I was still none the wiser. ??????????????

Now being both a punctual animal and also a wee bit of a masochist I was at the hospital at 0740 hrs the following morning only to find that around 20 quite selfish natives had beaten me to the starting line.

Bugger, bugger, and bloody bugger!!. Strolling up and down the corridor whilst also trying desperately to amuse a 4 year girl with a few Mr Bean impressions it was 2 hours before I was beckoned inside in order to sign a form. ‘’2 hours wait to sign a bloody form??, 2 ruddy sodden hours??, Jolly good show!’’

’’Can you come back at 1pm sir?’’ Well if it’s to sign another bloody form I might as well wait, hardly worth leaving the premises really. Bugger the operation lets fill in a few more forms shall we?’’

At 1230 hrs I returned and made my way to the theatre, where posted outside my name was listed as a patient to undergo excruciating pain at 2 pm precisely. My confidence was now at an all time high thinking, ‘well at least they got something right’

My attention was suddenly drawn to music being played on a lower floor so being an inquisitive soul,I stumbled down the flight of stairs to encounter a karaoke machine, singer and dancers strutting their stuff in the corridor adjacent to the staff restaurant.

My god, what great therapy for those like myself awaiting an impending operation or for those just feeling down in the dumps I thought.

At 1.10 pm I returned upstairs quite fortunately at the very moment my name was being called as the next victim to experience extreme torture.

On entering the gates of hell I was to be greeted by a few rather attractive female members of the surgical team and following a period of amusing repartee I was requested to take off my rings and place them in plastic cover along with all my other worldly goods which would then be sealed for safekeeping. I smiled momentarily at the mere suggestion that anything, yes, anything could be presumed safe anywhere in Thailand.

I then had to explain to them that a speeding cricket ball had flattened one of my rings some 30 years past and that it simply won’t budge.
I suggested that they cut it off but they must have thought I meant my finger as there were huge giggles and bags of perspiration from myself I might add when a small axe was produced.

Whilst pondering their ring removal problem I undressed behind a curtain, donned a surgical cloak and returned only to be frisked by a rather delectable young nurse. ‘’Sir, you still have your underwear on, can you remove please?’’.
My standard reply of ‘yours first’ unfortunately fell on deaf ears as also did my mention that ‘we don’t do that sort of thing in England you know’.

Back behind the curtain, returning once more, feeling a wee bit more vulnerable without my Mohammed Ali boxers, the nurse started to frisk me again, so I returned the favour. Oh how we laughed!

The offending ring was eventually removed from my hand with similar finesse of that of a docker munching on a BigMac.

Despite the use of KY jelly a few fleshy gouge marks were evident but then being inside a government sponsored torture chamber one perhaps could expect no less.

Now, being wheeled into an operating theatre whilst prostrate isn’t exactly my idea of fun but for those who paint and decorate for a living I suppose it can prove fairly interesting and perhaps even financially rewarding providing ones survives the op that is.

A hypodermic needle, roughly the size of a Maori spear, was jabbed into my face on several occasions and thus the operation to remove my looks and soul got underway.

The soothing Thai music playing in the background had me dozing off in no time at all, although I was to experience a very sudden and rude awakening when the good doctor removed some flesh from a part of my face that hadn’t been localized. It was then to my surprise I discovered that the word ‘Ouch’ uttered in a controlled manner, isn’t apparently recognized universally, as in ‘OK’ or ‘CocaCola’ so when he cauterized the very same area a few moments later I shouted ‘Stop, ok I admit I am the murderous Lord Lucan, please stop, please!,These words appeared momentarily to grab his attention.

‘’Solly, solly sir’’

‘’Apology accepted, mai pen rai, Crack on old boy.’’

It was a little later that I became extremely grateful I hadn’t plumped for a general anesthetic, when unbeknown to the medical staff the cape covering my face/neck collapsed when a surgical tray was pressed against it depriving me of oxygen for an indeterminate period. I quite frantically managed to free my hands and fight my way out, possibly a nanosecond before lapsing into unconciousness, a coma and eventual death.

Lots of stitching, skin grafting, and bandaging, the size of which could possibly have me auditioning for the lead part in the next sequel of the motion picture ‘The Mummy’ and the op was finally all over. It was only when I was back in reception and regaining my feet that I realised an astonishing 3.5 hours had elapsed. Now losing all sense of time can have it’s drawbacks as thoughts that suddenly entering my cranium were: Has Greece defaulted yet?, are Chelsea still in the Champions League?, etc: etc:

Several minutes later, having reclaimed what remained of my senses, underpants, the rest of my prized possessions and of course not forgetting to double check the contents of my wallet I was escorted to the cashier’s desk where I was requested to pay the princely sum of 7,500 baht for the operation. What an incredible bargain I thought, I just can’t wait to get back here and save some more cash.

A few weeks have followed and things have now run their course, no infections, no more dressings and as my wife has so kindly mentioned I can now step outside my castle to wave at the neighbouring children without fear of giving them lifelong screaming nightmares.

[jumbo]

Nice story

[MANICHAEAN]

If it's any consolation, I've been through a bit of it myself after all that sun from the Middle East and Africa. Had two lumps cut out of my chest, but that was no big deal. Felt a bit of scraping after the injections, but no pain at all. Nice clean couple of stitches on both locations too.

The more difficult condition is the actinic keritosis: face, ears, neck and arms. Either you get the deep freezing nitrogen spray or you have to apply a cream called efudix over a period of three weeks. It makes your skin look red raw and just inhibits the external growth of cells. As you have noted, if on your face, it frightens the horses!

[Albert Shagnastier]

Best of luck with the recovery mate.

Where has the news in pictures thread gone?

[Mr Lick]

^^ I've had a few skin cancer surgical removals myself in recent years in the UK and also this particular one was first removed around 3 years ago (informed at the time it was aggressive) unfortunately it reared it's ugly head again. Fingers crossed they managed to dig it all out on this occasion.

I have found Efudix to be quite effective on the scalp and thankfully dont need to use it very often.

After regular ops during the past 10 years I'd like to think that this is the last of my skin problems. I max out with the sun cream when playing golf, wear a hat and also use the umbrella regularly.

I hope that your skin problems will remain under control Manichaean. Never nice to go under the knife but as there are lots of people worse off than myself heathwise it always best to remain positive.


^ 'World News in Pictures' still around and updated daily Albert

[withnallstoke]

I max out with the sun cream when playing golf, wear a hat and also use the umbrella regularly.

Seems like an excessive handicap.

[Mr Lick]

^ Yes, for balancing all those whilst playing golf you'd expect at least a Crackerjack pencil and pen. CRACKERJACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mingmong]

all the best Mr Lick, something I will try and avoid being brought up in Singapore and Oz

Ive only been treated for Bangkok Dog Bite a few years ago, and I felt sorry for the Dog

[MANICHAEAN]

The thing with the skin cancer potential, is that at least you can see it without the need for scans. Therefore by definition, you can treat it early before it spreads.

[BobR]

Several minutes later, having reclaimed what remained of my senses, underpants, the rest of my prized possessions and of course not forgetting to double check the contents of my wallet I was escorted to the cashier’s desk where I was requested to pay the princely sum of 7,500 baht for the operation. What an incredible bargain I thought, I just can’t wait to get back here and save some more cash.

Hope you do not have any more problems, hope you do not have any more problems. I had the same thing done at Bangkok-Pattaya Hospital a few years back and it came to about 35,000 Baht.
There's a cream called Efudex, which is not officially available in Thailand, but some of the private hospitals have it. It miserable to use but really works well cleaning up sun damaged skin before it becomes cancerous. Worth reading about if you have that problem.

[Mr Lick]

Thanks Bob, my father has a regular supply of Efudix in the UK and passes on the odd tube to me every year.

I'll be going back to badger him again for some more in a couple of weeks time. At 87 he doesn't get out so much now so the sun ( when it decides to appear) doesn't pose a problem to him.

[dobella]

Mr. Lick, brilliantly put together piece you posted here, amusing but making light of a nasty affliction.
Wish you well mate and all the other guys on here who have this nasty illness.

[nigelandjan]

Funny but serious story ,, green in the bin

[nedwalk]

good luck mate, growing up in northern ozzie and running around on me bikes in just jeans and singlets, i have lost count how many bits i,ve had cut/frozen of me hands, arms, face, the only parts that are all clear are the ones that were covered up...these days its slip slop slap