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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Death to the Songtheaw Driver

    Right now, at this precise moment , if I were to happen upon a chicken of any size, weight, pertness of crest, clucking ability, manicure mismanagement, ability to squawk blue fucking murder at its mate eight fucking amphurs up the road, I would caress its feathered, furrowed brow whilst lovingly buggering the living shat out of it.

    Hark! Such an unsavoury opening gambit, I hear you outwardly muse. Was conjuring images of an anal engagement with a farmyard animal really necessary or indeed relevant to the eventual outcome of this story/rant/frothing at the mouth INSANITY?

    Well, yes it was. Because now you have an inkling of an idea about my thoughts regarding life in the big city. About how I would rather spend an afternoon wildly rolling around in the hay with pair of sexually uncertain weasels than suffer the malfunctioning minds of the local peasants who go about their business in the city as if they are the most important people in the fucking world. Well, here’s the news Somjit, you selfish kunt; You aren’t important, I fucking AM – so get that Songthaew out of my fucking face before I comprehensively assault you with contents of my bowels.

    So swiftly moving on to my new found nemesis – The Songtheaw Driver.

    Take my previous arch rival ‘the cat’, for example – I’d rather spend six months in quarantine with fifty of those fuckers than share 50 metres of road with one of these so called ‘taxi drivers’. You aren’t a taxi driver, mate; you’re a fucking disgrace to the world of motoring. Your ilk should be rounded up in a local park, airlifted somewhere over the middle of the fucking Pacific Ocean and dropped in it.

    Allow me to regale my most recent encounter with one of these barbarians.

    The angry sun was perhaps enough to make even the most serene of souls dramatically morph into snarling beast with an unsightly nervous tic, so as I cruised leisurely along one of the busy roads which help comprise of the absolute concrete mayhem that is downtown Korat City, with a Songthaew heavy breathing up my arse, I began to feel nauseous with anger, an emotion which amplified 10 fold after he over took me, drove back into the slow lane and stopped to pick up more selfish fucking passengers. Just stopped! Could you have not just waited five more seconds, you gaping kunt of a person?

    However, it appeared this wasn’t to be an isolated incident – quite the contrary; it in fact became a trend. Heavy breathing – over take – stop. Heavy breathing – over take- stop. Heavy breathing – overtake – STOP!

    After the third infraction I could contain myself no longer. I maneuvered my motorcycle with the deft poise of a spasticated tortoise, with a view to pull parallel to the driver’s side window. Whilst doing this I reached into the realms of my mind’s thesaurus for apt wordage to spit at the offending motorist.

    There he sat, proud as an infant who had just spent 10 minutes smearing his own shit over the living room floor. My eyes met his, although he was wearing dark glasses, and I made to speak:

    ‘I hate you’ I said.

    ‘jufguhfuuhhfarangojfjuifhuhfih’ he cleverly retorted.

    ‘I hate you and I hope you die in the near future’ I continued

    ‘gygdygudgugdHIUKHAOhdugtdyyd’ he quipped, quite, quite brilliantly, I might add.

    Now, although this was the end of the conversation and it hadn’t been as productive as it may have been should I had been carrying a 12 bore double barrel shot gun, I still departed feeling very much like the victor. Oh yes, indeed! I had told him, albeit in a foreign language, clearly and concisely, EXACTLY what I thought of him, and my wishes for the remainder of his existence after we parted company. ‘I hate you and I want you to die’ may not be the most cutting of offensive remarks, but the message it conveyed was nonnegotiable – no grey areas here, ladies and gentlemen.

    I continued along the shop boarded street and ticked up yet another great victory.

    Then he over took me and stopped again.

  2. #2
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    ossierob's Avatar
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    another well written and entertaining rant slappers....always good to wake up to a laugh
    Just a Member number

  3. #3
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    This motorbike you were on.
    Was it's engine running and gears engaged or were you pushing it?
    Or was this the Millenium Falcon of all songtheaws?

    not for a minute doubting that the villain was worthy of death in the near future, just trying to get my head around the scenario.

  4. #4
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    ^ I was riding my bike as any upstanding responsible pillar of the community would - in the correct manner.

    The offending vehicle was fucking bi-polar.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    ^ I was riding my bike as any upstanding responsible pillar of the community would - in the correct manner.

    The offending vehicle was fucking bi-polar.
    ALL Thai drivers are bi-polar. Especially the bus, tuk tuk, songkhew, and truck drivers.

  6. #6
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    Bangkok buses have similar habits. One put the missus into hospital for seven months doing the 'overtake and stop in front of you' maneuver. Only this one didn't bother passing her before pulling in.
    The airport metal detectors always go off when she goes through now.

  7. #7
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Serves you right Slapper.

    All the rantings against your idyllic country retreat are brought sharply into focus.
    Get out of the big smoke sharpish.
    Return to the country.
    Embrace the cat, the chicken, the granny and the fools.
    Get back down to the shop to drink Lao Kao and eat small live animals.
    Get Somjit to make you a double barrelled shotgun.
    Get revenge.

  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    Get back down to the shop to drink Lao Kao and eat small live animals.
    *sighs*

    They sort of laugh at you in the city when you order a jug of LK. Back in the country they laugh at you if you don't and call you a fucking ponce.

  9. #9
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    ^Sad what education does to them in the city.

  10. #10
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by ltnt
    Sad what education does to them in the city.
    Personally I'm not an advocate of 'education' in Third World countries. We need people to point and laugh at..

  11. #11
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    Should've smashed his fukin head in. Poof. Limp-wristed light-weight actionless poof... Buy a gun and kill these fukers. Better still, make your own.
    How do I post these pictures???

  12. #12
    splendid and tremendous
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    ^ Of course, Betsy, I omitted the part where I later followed him home and slew his whole family before burning down their fucking house.

  13. #13
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    ^ respect.



    Double respect.



    Tripple respect.

    How do I post these pictures???

  14. #14
    splendid and tremendous
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    ^...innit..

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    ^ Of course, Betsy, I omitted the part where I later followed him home and slew his whole family before burning down their fucking house.

    I love a happy ending

  16. #16
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    ^ I bet you do you dirty old git...
    How do I post these pictures???

  17. #17
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Lick
    I love a happy ending
    As do I. Massage establishmets would be pointless should they not exist.

    Hi, I'd like a massage please and make sure you do that thing where your nigh on wanking me off but pretending your not and I'll walk out of this place with a sack fit to combust.

  18. #18
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    Ditch the motorbike, STS, and invest in an alternative mode of transport: the Thunderbird Mole.



    Let's see how keen they are on the old overtake-stop-in-front-of-you manoeuvre now.
    The sleep of reason brings forth monsters.

  19. #19
    splendid and tremendous
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    I actually had one of these chaps in mind..



    Move or I will shoot you in the face with a cannon before flattening your gook ass..

  20. #20
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    ^ Have you no shame? As a visitor in this ignorant slant eyed local one needs to keep up appearances and tanks just aren't part of the mafia mechanized transport system here. Doubt that Somchi could figure out how to use "lateral direction controls." Try the three wheeled type of motorcy and some insect spray.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by ltnt
    Sad what education does to them in the city.
    Personally I'm not an advocate of 'education' in Third World countries. We need people to point and laugh at..
    No need to worry they're being taught by TEFLERS from TD. Education, whats that?

  22. #22
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by ltnt
    Try the three wheeled type of motorcy and some insect spray.

  23. #23
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    ^ Very effective and cheap operation. No degree required.

  24. #24
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    Move to the jungle like me and those folk don't bother you cos they don't exist.

    I need another visit to Chumphon to get me bowels back in order.

    I laugh as I overtake children on bicycles. ha hahahahah
    Heart of Gold and a Knob of butter.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo View Post
    ^ respect.



    Double respect.



    Tripple respect.

    Don't be dissin Dappy

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